Rain and Reminiscence

Note: I should just state that i can't really do short posts :)

I rushed out of office, afraid I was gonna be very late for my girls-night-out and face the wrath of five angry, possibly drunk women. I’d rushed through the entire day, buried to my nose in work, with barely a break for lunch, so I wouldn’t be late. It’d been ages since we’d caught up, and tonight was a BIG reason to celebrate. I couldn’t wait to get out of office all day.

Damn! Just as I stepped out, it started to pour. Like, not a drizzle pour, not even vertical-columns-of-water pour, but the fierce-breezy-huge-big-drops-that-can-hurt-you-and-your-umbrella-doesn’t-stand-a-chance pour. Don’t get me wrong, I love the rains, I love getting drenched. Most days I gladly pretend umbrellas aren’t invented and give spaced-out looks (imagine ET saying ‘El-li-ot’) to the people on the streets who give me weird looks for this. But some days, a girl just wants to get home dry, so she can zap into clothes and mood appropriate for the party ahead. Drenched-to-the-bone was not a look I needed tonight. I wrestled open my umbrella (mutual dislike and all that) and then wrestled with it against the wind and the rain, honestly, cyclone anyone? The rain refused to let up. I refused to let down my umbrella, even though it squeaked and creaked (being so rarely used) and even threw a mighty tantrum and flipped over. No sirree, I was not giving up.

I stepped out beyond the huge gates (they call it a workplace, but if you ask me they’re secretly building a fortress to create and harbor zombies) into a pool of slush. Now this I definitely hated. My attempts to hail a cab seemed futile as I stubbornly simultaneously struggled to keep the umbrella overhead, and wade through ankle deep slush to any cab I could set my eyes on, even risking my life to step right in front of them, but to no avail. As always, cabs in this city were headed to some secret magical land, that us commuters never got to go to. As the hands on my watch started moving closer to ‘mortal peril’, I decided I had no option but to try and wade through more slush.

I set off in search of dryer land, but it seemed like it was almost time for the apocalypse and the city was drowning. I was probably imagining myself stuck and swinging between heaven and hell when I died, so much so, that I didn’t notice that the water had almost reached my knees now. I was seriously kidding about the city drowning! Could such a thing really happen? I stopped, right in the middle of the river that used to be an arterial road in the city, for a reality check. I could turn back, and head back to office, but really, swinging between heaven and hell through eternity seemed like a better option. I could move forward, and I could see that the water levels only seemed to rise ahead – Nah! Or I could wait here, right where I was, risk hypothermia, leptospirosis, pneumonia, at the very least, wrinkled skin like after you take a long bath. But did I really have an option?

I sighed heavenwards. I wished God would one day realize I wasn’t really competing with him. Maybe he got the sign, because just then, I noticed a bylane. I hadn’t used it earlier, since there were several constructions going on along that road, and now the offices there contributed to the exponential influx of traffic along this river/road. It seemed dryer, at least I wouldn’t have to worry about whether or not the thing that brushed my leg underwater was a twig or a snake or a rat or the aliens that were trying to invade the earth (more cooler than thinking about the apocalypse).

I waded my way through. Shook off the excess water from my shoes. Came very close to shaking myself like a dog, but it hadn’t stopped raining yet. Thankfully, I was more in control of my umbrella. I took out my phone to check for messages and/or last minute cancellation calls. None. I didn’t even have reception. Excuse me, but I thought I lived in a connected city. The lane was more or less empty. I got that feeling. Like in those horror movies, where the girl walks down the dark alley all by herself. But I put it aside as one more of my hyperactive thoughts this evening. All that coffee I had throughout the day to keep me going, was still keeping me going apparently. As I walked on, I saw more people walking along this lane, bordering on crowded. One of the things I’ve loved about rain is how it quietens everything else. All you can hear is the rain.

As I made my way through the river of people now, I spotted him, at a distance. I’d almost missed him, but in keeping with the movie-like feeling I had, I did a double take, and it was him. There was no mistaking his crazy hair, or his jacket (would he ever get a new one?). I waited for that weird reaction I always got when I used to see him, the fictional butterflies in the stomach, and the skipping of exactly one heart beat and the ten others that followed, making you painfully aware you had a heart and it needed oxygen. But it didn’t come. Was it not him or was I not staring hard enough? He turned around a bit later, and it was him. That lopsided grin, that laughter I almost could hear. I waited for the other emotions to settle in. The hurt, the anger, the pain – the pain always lasted the longest. Maybe because it was the amalgamation of the other two. Maybe because my head wanted to separate the other two, but no matter what I did, it always ended up, in pain.

My mind reeled back to those days, when I swung like crazy between the hurt and the anger. I remembered each of it vividly, but that was it. Just the memories. Not the emotions. "The saddest thing about love, is that not only the love cannot last forever, but even the heartbreak is soon forgotten." The lack of emotion worried me. A little. I didn’t have that feeling anymore when I used to dread each morning, when I was surrounded my overbearing reminders of him all around, when I wondered how I could possibly ever feel happy again. When had it stopped? It’s a shame I don’t remember the first time I smiled after that, but I am sure it had to do with the afore mentioned friends. Right. I needed to get to them. Still no reception. Ah! A few more seconds of staring never killed anyone. I wish I could get close enough to see those eyes. And yet, a part of me worried, that all those emotions were just pretending to be in control. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here, they seemed to tell me. Maybe it was me, but I could make out a bit of his tattoo peeking out from beneath his collar. The design used to be something that only I knew about. I wondered who else was in on the secret. I waited for the jealousy to set it. The insecurity. The fear. Nope. Still nothing.

By now, I was sure, I did look like a spaced out zombie, standing in the middle of a road, staring at a guy like a lovesick idiot. Except that I didn’t feel like one. I felt... nothing. And then I felt a little sad about feeling nothing. And then I felt a little angry for feeling sad about feeling nothing. I moved ahead, accepting the inevitable. I watched carefully his expressions change as he saw me, recognition dawned, his face broke into a smile and we exchanged greeting more apt for old friends meeting up. There- were all the reasons I’d loved him. And still… nothing. In keeping with the movie-like sequence, the rain picked up again, as did the breeze, and my poor old faithful umbrella (blue with snoopy on it) gave up with one final squeak, and some rattling of spokes, and flipped over for the last time. It had lived its largely unused life quite well. And I really wasn’t someone to cover when it rained. My phone also buzzed with a few messages then, all about my friends being stuck in places, and we would have to catch up another day. Usually it bummed me out when that happened, but I would catch up, and we’d have an even bigger reason to celebrate.

The rain seemed to catch up and it only seemed wise to get out of it for a bit. We headed to one of those coffee joints we used to frequent (and I’d refused to step in one after that) for some long time catching up with another… friend. The last thought on my mind was. Has it been a year already? Has it really been that long?

"I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded; not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night."

—    Khaled Hosseini (The Kite Runner)

Song Recommendation: ‘Echoes’ by Pink Floyd

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Note: Phew! And this one pretty much wrote itself. Definitely not what I had thought of when I started with it. What I had thought of was just the ending bit. but now it seems sorta out of place for me. I don't know yet if I should edit it out... it stays till I can decide.

Also inspired by the ‘flood’ in Bombay on 26-Jul-2005. An experience like no other, truly!

The friends mentioned in the post should understand ;)