To love at all

It started so simple, a cheerful introduction...

I gave you a smile, but you wanted my words.

A phrase,a dialog, conversations that never ran cold...

I gave you my words, but you wanted my art.

A melody, a lyric, emotions immortalised in song...

I gave you my art, but you wanted my heart.

To hold on, I tried, but you wanted it all...

I gave you my heart, but you wanted my soul.

Follow this link for a beautiful illustration on the quote this post is titled after

Happy Birthday to me :)

A wise man once told me, “You can claim to live by your own rules, all you want, but the real challenge is in going out of your own comfort zone, not others’”. So there I was, fidgeting about, waiting for the clock to strike ‘nerves hour’, asking myself to ‘Stop it!’ - and back to step one. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and barley had time to register my change in expression to mocking laughter, before I was back at uncertainty, just as I heard the doorbell go off. “Well”, I said to myself, “This is as good as it’s gonna get” and headed out.

Being greeted with that familiar warm smile helped the nerves some.

“Door, huh? Nice touch. I expected a car honk.”

“I wanted to do this right”

“So are my flowers in the car?”

“Nah, even I couldn’t get away with that”

We headed to a nice restaurant and over a leisurely, wonderful meal (and dessert that gave me a peek onto what heaven might feel like), we ate, laughed and talked. It was nothing new, and yet nothing that we had ever done before. In contrast to my nerves earlier, I was starting to wonder now, Why hadn’t we don’t this before? But there’d be time for that later. I would obviously be spending a lot of time going over tonight in my mind; for now, I wanted to merely enjoy the moment and build up on memories.

Far too soon, in my opinion, we were done with dinner and walking back towards the car. And even with the contended sigh that I got into the car with, I almost wished we weren’t here already. Registering who I was with, I realized I could actually say it out loud and I did.

“I thought you’d never ask” he smiled. “If it’s not too late, we could walk”.

When we stopped at a beach, I couldn’t help but smile. You could leave some things to fate, but knowing for sure what someone would like, comes with familiarity over time. And I was loving all the attention to detail. It was past the time tourists thronged the place, even past the time the creepies decided to take a walk. Now, there were just a few people around, minding their own business, enjoying the peace and quiet. After a few minutes of walking in comfortable silence, I felt his hand reach mine.

“Did you have fun tonight?”

“Yes, I did”

“I thought so; you can’t seem to shake that smile off your face.”

“Neither can you”

I had to ask what had been on my mind for along time now. “Why now?”

“Why anything, you know? Maybe because I just found the guts to ask you now. Mostly because it felt right, now. Any other time, might not have gone well, with either of us”

I knew what he was talking about. “Maybe it would have been better”

“No, I think we needed that stuff. We might be more cautious now. But that will make us value this more. I know that’s how it is for me”

“I’m not sure. I don’t…”

“That’s fine. I’ve been here a little longer than you have. I don’t mind waiting for you to catch up. Just as long as you don’t try to needlessly complicate this into something that it isn’t”

“What is on your mind”, he asked, and I realized I had been quiet for the past few minutes. A few minutes, a lot more steps, faint footprints in the sand, that would be gone with the next slight breeze, or wave that washed over them.

“Just thinking”. Answering his questioning glance, I said “About how well we know each other. And how simple this seems. And I can’t even remember the first time I met you. I normally do”

“Not everything has to be dramatic you know. You don’t have to hate or love a person when you first see them. They don’t have to make gallant efforts to get to the other side of that. Not everyone needs to have a song” I smiled at his last statement.

“That’s right actually. In fact we’ve been almost boring. We didn’t turn into best friends overnight, nor did I try to kill you. No one warned me to stay away from you”.

“No one forced us together either”

“No they didn’t, and yet here we are.”

“I’ve probably never said this, but you are a nice person”

“Nope, never said it before”

”You know what I mean, I don’t want that to change”

“Don’t. Don’t over analyse. Be impulsive. If tonight was fun, just enjoy it. Don’t worry about tomorrow”

A little reassured, we walked on, and even as I debated if our new found relationship could handle it, he said it himself, “that last bit should probably be left for when I am drunk” and we broke into laughter. With that, we were back to ‘normal’.

Just then, it started to rain, drizzles to big drops, to rain. We half ran, half laughed to the car, and as soon as we were locked in, he said, “I know you love it, but I don’t think either of us were dressed to get drenched tonight.” Then, in the light, noticing that we were splattered anyway, I laughed,”The best of both worlds!”

The journey back home, was mostly spent listening to and discussing music. The rain had gotten fiercer and noisier, and as always I was enthralled with the windshield getting covered with water drops, and the wiper swishing it away. Since before I could remember, I could watch this for ages.

Alas, as all things must, the journey ended and I was back behind the door where tonight started. We said our goodbyes, and I waited to see him take off and shut the door. A few minutes later, I was back in front of the same mirror, and this time all I could see was the smile that I still couldn’t shake off.

I heard the phone ring, and rolling my eyes thinking it would be one my friends calling to wish me, I felt the smile grow even wider when I saw who it really was.

“So, what is my song?”

“I thought you’d never ask”

Sometimes, all you need is one chance, to confirm what you've really known all along :-)

Note: To start with, happy birthday to me :-)

24 years, and while the world still hasn’t made much sense to me yet, ringing in a new year this year hasn’t been very scary.

P.S: I meant to title this post, 'Every song is...'

Song Recommendation: None, because I have too many to fit this post in my mind right now. But also because sometimes, you have to “make your own kind of music”

Happy Ending

Note: A slightly delayed farewell present, and dude, you gotta like this!

That time when you stole the last bit of dessert off of my plate before I could reach for it. I was so stuffed I couldn’t have eaten another bite anyway.

Me: I hate you.

You:(smiling): No, you don’t

That time when you dragged me with you, through the night, to trek up a hill and catch a rare sunrise. It was the most beautiful sight I’d ever seen, the best feeling ever to be above clouds with only the sun in distant view, surrounded by fog. Breathtaking.

Me: I hate you.

You:(smiling): No, you don’t

That time when I attempted to cook up a meal, (and NOT -as you put it- tried to kill us both in a kitchen fire) and burnt it, and you somehow performed magic (and NOT -as you put it- cooked another meal). We’ve survived quite a few decently cooked meals (by me of course!) after that, but it’s always that first one that comes to mind.

Me: I hate you.

You:(smiling): No, you don’t

That time when a movie I had been anticipating was finally in theatres. And I was ranting about wanting to watch it, but was unable to get tickets for almost a week, only to find out on the day of the release, that you had booked the tickets way in advance.

Me: I hate you.

You:(smiling): No, you don’t

That time when I was mighty pissed off at you for being out of town on my birthday, and had issued huge announcements about never wanting to see you again. I logged into my mail account at the end of the day, and the best birthday present ever awaited me: a video of you singing n playing my favorite song.

Me: I hate you.

You:(smiling): No, you don’t (and this part was also in the video after a perfectly timed pause for me to say ‘I hate you’)

So many times, so many memories, I could write an entire book recounting each of them, crystal clear in my mind. But really, it comes down to two incidents:

The time you told me about that interesting new job you were offered,

Me: I hate you.

You:(smiling): No, you don’t

 something you always wanted to do,

Me: I hate you.

You:(smiling): No, you don’t

with real good career prospects for the future and a good pay cheque to boot

Me: I HATE you.

You:(smiling): No, you don’t

It was so much better than what you were currently doing, and way better than what I was doing, and I must admit, I was a wee bit jealous.

And then you said, that the offer was for a post in an alien country, with slim chances of you returning in the near future, if at all. I could literally feel my heart falling down to my stomach with a loud thump, and knocking the wind out of me. For the last time,

Me: I hate you.

You:(smiling): No, you don’t

And then, today, now. At the airport, waiting (but not really) for the time when you must absolutely go inside, and then never come back. Fumbling over words, now, after all this time, all these memories, trying to make goodbye seem anything but. We’d been over this. We’d agreed it was for the best. It wasn’t an attempt for me to get you to wait. But it was just something I had to say. To complete this. To complete us.

Me: I love you.

You:(smiling): No, you don’t

The rest is a daze, the huge bear hug you enveloped me in, the one where our friends were alternatively shouting ‘CRY!’ And ‘GAY!’ You’d think they could be a bit more emotional. But really, where had all these emotions found me suddenly?

I remember turning away as you said your goodbyes to the rest. I couldn’t bear to say it one more time. By the time I looked back, you were on your way in. as always, you understood me perfectly.

“Sometimes we love with nothing more than hope. Sometimes we cry with everything except tears”

And yet, as you walked away, all I was left with was ‘A Tear In My Eye’.

Note: There you go! Don’t really like drawing from real life, but it was where the emotions got me. I feel so gay writing this, but don’t worry, even I were, I’d still love you ;)

I already do, and will, miss you like crazy!

Song Recommendation: just the lyrics this time that fit here:

"He's everything you want

He's everything you need

He's everything inside of you

That you wish you could be

He says all the right things

At exactly the right time

But he means nothing to you

And you don't know why"

Everything you want by Vertical Horizon

A Change of Perspective

How do you know if your world has crashed?

How can you tell one thing isn’t right when all of it is in disarray?

You need a frame of reference,

One thing to measure it by

One thing that stayed as it was, that didn’t crash

While everything around did…

But you notice not what stayed,

All you can see is the chaos,

All you worry about is what’s not there anymore

What can never come back…

It takes but a second to catch your own reflection

Off of some broken shiny object

To make you realize that you are the one thing that is still upright

The only thing that remained

Intact, if only by appearance…

It takes several moments more

For you to realize there is only one thing to do

Try and resuscitate whatever can be

And to clean up the mess the rest made

And as you try to start to do so

And fail at each attempt,

Just as you are about to give up,

You realize all you need is a change of perspective

All that crashed, was you

Everything else remained just the same as before

The biggest of problems seem minuscule when a new one comes along...

Expressing the only way I can...

Rain and Reminiscence

Note: I should just state that i can't really do short posts :)

I rushed out of office, afraid I was gonna be very late for my girls-night-out and face the wrath of five angry, possibly drunk women. I’d rushed through the entire day, buried to my nose in work, with barely a break for lunch, so I wouldn’t be late. It’d been ages since we’d caught up, and tonight was a BIG reason to celebrate. I couldn’t wait to get out of office all day.

Damn! Just as I stepped out, it started to pour. Like, not a drizzle pour, not even vertical-columns-of-water pour, but the fierce-breezy-huge-big-drops-that-can-hurt-you-and-your-umbrella-doesn’t-stand-a-chance pour. Don’t get me wrong, I love the rains, I love getting drenched. Most days I gladly pretend umbrellas aren’t invented and give spaced-out looks (imagine ET saying ‘El-li-ot’) to the people on the streets who give me weird looks for this. But some days, a girl just wants to get home dry, so she can zap into clothes and mood appropriate for the party ahead. Drenched-to-the-bone was not a look I needed tonight. I wrestled open my umbrella (mutual dislike and all that) and then wrestled with it against the wind and the rain, honestly, cyclone anyone? The rain refused to let up. I refused to let down my umbrella, even though it squeaked and creaked (being so rarely used) and even threw a mighty tantrum and flipped over. No sirree, I was not giving up.

I stepped out beyond the huge gates (they call it a workplace, but if you ask me they’re secretly building a fortress to create and harbor zombies) into a pool of slush. Now this I definitely hated. My attempts to hail a cab seemed futile as I stubbornly simultaneously struggled to keep the umbrella overhead, and wade through ankle deep slush to any cab I could set my eyes on, even risking my life to step right in front of them, but to no avail. As always, cabs in this city were headed to some secret magical land, that us commuters never got to go to. As the hands on my watch started moving closer to ‘mortal peril’, I decided I had no option but to try and wade through more slush.

I set off in search of dryer land, but it seemed like it was almost time for the apocalypse and the city was drowning. I was probably imagining myself stuck and swinging between heaven and hell when I died, so much so, that I didn’t notice that the water had almost reached my knees now. I was seriously kidding about the city drowning! Could such a thing really happen? I stopped, right in the middle of the river that used to be an arterial road in the city, for a reality check. I could turn back, and head back to office, but really, swinging between heaven and hell through eternity seemed like a better option. I could move forward, and I could see that the water levels only seemed to rise ahead – Nah! Or I could wait here, right where I was, risk hypothermia, leptospirosis, pneumonia, at the very least, wrinkled skin like after you take a long bath. But did I really have an option?

I sighed heavenwards. I wished God would one day realize I wasn’t really competing with him. Maybe he got the sign, because just then, I noticed a bylane. I hadn’t used it earlier, since there were several constructions going on along that road, and now the offices there contributed to the exponential influx of traffic along this river/road. It seemed dryer, at least I wouldn’t have to worry about whether or not the thing that brushed my leg underwater was a twig or a snake or a rat or the aliens that were trying to invade the earth (more cooler than thinking about the apocalypse).

I waded my way through. Shook off the excess water from my shoes. Came very close to shaking myself like a dog, but it hadn’t stopped raining yet. Thankfully, I was more in control of my umbrella. I took out my phone to check for messages and/or last minute cancellation calls. None. I didn’t even have reception. Excuse me, but I thought I lived in a connected city. The lane was more or less empty. I got that feeling. Like in those horror movies, where the girl walks down the dark alley all by herself. But I put it aside as one more of my hyperactive thoughts this evening. All that coffee I had throughout the day to keep me going, was still keeping me going apparently. As I walked on, I saw more people walking along this lane, bordering on crowded. One of the things I’ve loved about rain is how it quietens everything else. All you can hear is the rain.

As I made my way through the river of people now, I spotted him, at a distance. I’d almost missed him, but in keeping with the movie-like feeling I had, I did a double take, and it was him. There was no mistaking his crazy hair, or his jacket (would he ever get a new one?). I waited for that weird reaction I always got when I used to see him, the fictional butterflies in the stomach, and the skipping of exactly one heart beat and the ten others that followed, making you painfully aware you had a heart and it needed oxygen. But it didn’t come. Was it not him or was I not staring hard enough? He turned around a bit later, and it was him. That lopsided grin, that laughter I almost could hear. I waited for the other emotions to settle in. The hurt, the anger, the pain – the pain always lasted the longest. Maybe because it was the amalgamation of the other two. Maybe because my head wanted to separate the other two, but no matter what I did, it always ended up, in pain.

My mind reeled back to those days, when I swung like crazy between the hurt and the anger. I remembered each of it vividly, but that was it. Just the memories. Not the emotions. "The saddest thing about love, is that not only the love cannot last forever, but even the heartbreak is soon forgotten." The lack of emotion worried me. A little. I didn’t have that feeling anymore when I used to dread each morning, when I was surrounded my overbearing reminders of him all around, when I wondered how I could possibly ever feel happy again. When had it stopped? It’s a shame I don’t remember the first time I smiled after that, but I am sure it had to do with the afore mentioned friends. Right. I needed to get to them. Still no reception. Ah! A few more seconds of staring never killed anyone. I wish I could get close enough to see those eyes. And yet, a part of me worried, that all those emotions were just pretending to be in control. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here, they seemed to tell me. Maybe it was me, but I could make out a bit of his tattoo peeking out from beneath his collar. The design used to be something that only I knew about. I wondered who else was in on the secret. I waited for the jealousy to set it. The insecurity. The fear. Nope. Still nothing.

By now, I was sure, I did look like a spaced out zombie, standing in the middle of a road, staring at a guy like a lovesick idiot. Except that I didn’t feel like one. I felt... nothing. And then I felt a little sad about feeling nothing. And then I felt a little angry for feeling sad about feeling nothing. I moved ahead, accepting the inevitable. I watched carefully his expressions change as he saw me, recognition dawned, his face broke into a smile and we exchanged greeting more apt for old friends meeting up. There- were all the reasons I’d loved him. And still… nothing. In keeping with the movie-like sequence, the rain picked up again, as did the breeze, and my poor old faithful umbrella (blue with snoopy on it) gave up with one final squeak, and some rattling of spokes, and flipped over for the last time. It had lived its largely unused life quite well. And I really wasn’t someone to cover when it rained. My phone also buzzed with a few messages then, all about my friends being stuck in places, and we would have to catch up another day. Usually it bummed me out when that happened, but I would catch up, and we’d have an even bigger reason to celebrate.

The rain seemed to catch up and it only seemed wise to get out of it for a bit. We headed to one of those coffee joints we used to frequent (and I’d refused to step in one after that) for some long time catching up with another… friend. The last thought on my mind was. Has it been a year already? Has it really been that long?

"I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded; not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night."

—    Khaled Hosseini (The Kite Runner)

Song Recommendation: ‘Echoes’ by Pink Floyd

~

Note: Phew! And this one pretty much wrote itself. Definitely not what I had thought of when I started with it. What I had thought of was just the ending bit. but now it seems sorta out of place for me. I don't know yet if I should edit it out... it stays till I can decide.

Also inspired by the ‘flood’ in Bombay on 26-Jul-2005. An experience like no other, truly!

The friends mentioned in the post should understand ;)

Imploding

Similarities bore.
Differences frustrate.

I think it’s time I moved on.
I’ve stared at this rock long enough, waiting for it to show me the face of God.

It ain’t gonna happen.



OK, somebody help me move!!!



`

A Momentary Lapse of Reason

Note: Another attempt at fiction after quite some time. Tried to keep it short.

I think relationships can be defined by big moments that don't happen. ...Or by the little ones that do.

I don’t know where I went wrong. I don’t know if it one big thing, or one tiny thing, or several tiny things. I don’t know if the whole thing was wrong in the first place, but I did not see it coming.

I remember the first time I saw you. He and I were going to watch a movie, and you rudely cut into line before us. Then you lit a cigarette and gloriously ignored my coughing.

You turned around with the tickets in hand, and smiled, no laughed at Her, ran up to Her and almost snatching the slushie from Her hand, gulped down the last of it.

A common friend introduced us a few days later. I didn’t realize then it was you. You still don’t know. You gave a customary nod and smile towards me at my introduction, not really taking in any information about me. At the end of the party, I was waiting for Him to pick me up, saying my goodbyes to my friends. You - the party animal - was amongst the last to leave. Again, a cursory nod, and you were off, without a good bye or ‘hope to see you again’

Fate played a cruel game. He and you became friends. Back then, I saw it as being forced into your company. I took it as you trying to steal Him away from me. What with all our ‘dates’ moving from just the two of Us, to including you, and maybe more guys, hanging out at sports bars. I was jealous for the first time, and because of a guy. Not a good feeling.

I’d come home from a week long business trip. I’d been dying to see Him after being away for so long, but to my disappointment, when I got off the plane, He called to say, He was stuck at work with a deadline. Instead, He’d asked you to pick me up. Maybe it was the long flight, but mostly it was you that made me reply, ‘If you can’t come, I’ll make it home myself, I don’t need a stupid driver’. Of course, when I turned around, you were standing right there, after eavesdropping on my not-so-soft-spoken conversation and fake-grinned ‘your chauffeur is here ma’am’.

His birthday was around the corner. I couldn’t think of a good enough gift to get Him. And I wanted it to be special. ‘What do you get a guy who has me?’ I asked. You named a book, which has gone on to become amongst his most favorite books. I hadn’t realized you read. Heck, I hadn’t realized we talked enough, for you to be suggesting gift ideas, and me to be accepting them. It was when He gave me the biggest grin ever when He ripped open the present, that I realized I couldn’t have gotten Him anything better. I turned around to smile thanks at you, but you were too busy stuffing your face with cake.

It’d crept up on me, I’m sure. How else could I not have realized we were becoming friends? The frequency of calls increased, the subjects, moving from just one question to long discussions. When did I start talking to you? When did I start laughing with you? When did you become among the first people to know anything that happened with me? He didn’t mind our friendship. In fact He was glad for it. I’m not of the stone-age mindset, but I wish for once He’d have a tiny problem with it. He didn’t.

Our jobs often took us to different cities. We spent precious little time together. I would miss Him terribly when He wasn’t here with me. Another place, I wouldn’t mind. But here, home didn’t seem home without Him. Phone calls, no matter how long, or detailed, could only comfort so much. You became the one I turned to. I’d often tag along with you and Her. Funny, I never wondered if She felt the same as you did initially, while hanging out with us. She didn’t seem to mind, and She and I got to be friends too. But seeing you with Her, got harder with time. Maybe I misunderstood.

The two of you together, always reminded me of the two of us. If not in how you were, then in how you were not. Mostly the latter. I always thought ours was a grown up mature relationship, and yours most obviously wasn’t. The silly arguments, and the mushy making up, the giggling and the touching, the wanting to know about every second of the other’s life- I thought we were way over that. Again I misunderstood. I openly made jokes about how childish you two were, but I was just being jealous. I was missing Him way too much. But I thought I was too mature to simply call Him ten times a day just to hear his voice.

You sensed something was amiss. You tried your best to cheer me up. It worked, but only when I was with you. When you weren’t around, my mind was even more confused now. Missing Him and you. I should’ve seen it coming at least then but I didn’t. i was just missing Him, and you distracted me. I knew this. Then why?

How did we end up there? How could I have misunderstood so much? How did I end up being so confused. I never stopped loving Him, I never thought any one else could ever take his place. Yet there we were. Watching a movie, one afternoon. Some stupid zombie type movie, none the less. I laughed appropriately at all the bits that were “scary”. I don’t know how it happened. Suddenly I was very aware of the fact that I wasn’t looking at the screen, but watching your expressions change. I smiled when you gaily laughed. I smirked at your disgusted expression during the zombie-eating-human bits.

But what got me back, was when you turned to look at me. First you were still laughing at some scene, then your expression changed to a smirk, wondering what I was thinking, and finally as realization dawned, your face dropped, and your eyes closed in disappointment.

‘This isn’t’

‘I know’

‘He’s my friend’

‘I know’

‘He truly loves you’

‘I love Him too’

‘I love Her’

‘I know’

‘I’m sorry…’

‘No, it’s my fault’

‘I can’t…’

‘I don’t know what I was thinking’

‘This isn’t’

‘I… know’

Song Recommendation: ‘One Slip’ by Pink Floyd

Note: The story is fictional, the idea is not. Maybe I can come up with His and Her part of the story. Kind of feel sorry for them.

Broken

Note: Apparently, I love drama.

I’m a hoarder. I love collecting stuff. Most of all, I love collecting tiny pebbles. I used to have loads of them. Picked up mainly at beaches. Different shapes, different textures, different sizes. Each one, unique. That’s what I liked best about them. I liked them all, but none of them were exactly the same as another.

One day, when the pebbles grew a little larger in number than I could manage with ease, I got a beautiful glass jar to keep them in. With the pebbles all piled up together, the glass jar seemed a pleasant sight to look at, with the different colors within it, reflecting light at different angles. I placed it right where the first rays of the morning sun could hit it, and the first thing I saw each morning when I awoke. And I smiled each time I looked at it. Slowly, but surely the jar began to fill up. More pebbles of more colors, shapes, sizes and textures. Each time, I thought one more wouldn’t fit into it, I’d just shake the jar a bit, and the pebbles within would move, to accommodate the new one.

Then one day, two things happened. I got a new pebble to add to my collection, but before I got to add it to the jar, I found out there were going to be guests coming over. The guests included children, which included a lot of running around, and into things, and my first thought went out to my pebbles. I wasn’t very keen on handing out my pebbles to them yet either. So I took the jar and I placed it on a very high shelf, where none of the little hands could reach for it.

All was well for most of the time, until my worst fears came true, when one of the kids, running amok (why aren’t there leashes for those things? :-P) headed straight for the shelf. In my minds eye, I almost saw it before it happened, but was dumbstruck. In slow-mo I watched the kid run into the shelf, and then bounce off its door and run out of the room, without breaking pace, getting away from the other kids behind him. I stared up where the jar, shaken from its position wobbled a bit, then stilled dangerously onto the edge of its base, before making its journey downwards.

I lunged for it, trying to protect it, but from across the room, my move didn’t do much good. I halted, suddenly, and closed my eyes just when it hit the floor. But I could not shut down the sounds that followed. The glass shattering, the pebbles scattering, the gasps of the people followed by their sudden silence. I opened my eyes, to the blurry (I was NOT gonna cry) mess in front of me. Each precious pebble I’d so carefully sought and guarded, there amongst bits of glass. I tried to salvage a few, but the jar had shattered into so many little pieces, I couldn’t touch a pebble without getting any glass in my fingers. My bloodied fingers finally made me stop, And I resigned to the fact that I could never have those back again.

Walked out this morning/ Don't believe what I saw/ A hundred billion bottles/ Washed up on the shore/ Seems I'm not alone at being alone/ A hundred billion castaways/ Looking for a home - Message in a Bottle by Police

I have that one new pebble that I hadn’t yet added to the jar. Maybe I’ll start over, or maybe I’ll add it to the trash bag with all the others.

(More Than) Empty Conversations

Note: Another long one. Be warned.

I’d had one of those days, when everything was well on its way downhill, and going further down. It was late at night, way past the time I’d be allowed to walk into my hostel. ‘Guess I’ll just have to jump the wall again’ I’d thought, as I made my way down to the sea facing promenade. It was, as it always is, almost full of couples. I found a spot that was well lit and therefore relatively couple-free. I’d settled on the concrete and was blankly staring at the water, almost black in the dark, crashing onto the rocks. I couldn’t take my eyes off of them, and was sort of glad as it was finally letting me blank out a bit.

‘Those rocks’, (I’d jumped a foot into the air), ‘are sharp. They’ll bruise pretty badly. And the water. If the tide catches up, it could get real tricky.’ I’d been trying to get my breath back as he finished with ‘Could hurt someone real bad, but probably won’t kill’. With my senses (and my ass back on the concrete) back, I’d realized I knew the guy. Correction, I knew of him. He’d been one of those guys, that everyone knew, popular, and not necessarily in a good way. I had an easy way of categorizing people like him – Jerk. Great! And he has to be suicidal. Excuse me if I’m not out saving the world and its mortals tonight. ‘Not worth it, if you wanna kill yourself’, he smirked. I decided he wasn’t worth a response, gave him my best What-is-your-f-ing-problem? look and went back to staring at the dark rocks and water.

‘I almost didn’t recognize you.’ Yeah well, remind me to thank all the Gods there might be. As if he’d heard me, and yet, as though he was talking to himself he continued, ‘Your camera. You always seem to be behind it, you seem incomplete without it.’ Before I could think it through, I pointed at my back-pack and said ‘It’s in here. Not feeling much like taking pictures tonight.’ Now I wondered why I was justifying myself to him. And what the hell does he mean, incomplete without it? I’m without it lots of times… sometimes…occasionally. And how did he notice anyway? He’d have to be around to notice, and he pretty sure wasn’t., was he?

I’d never spoken to him, never so much as acknowledged or been acknowledged by him, and I sure didn’t want to start now, when I was at my anti-social best. ‘So, what is a girl like you doing here at a time like this?’ he asked. Two questions immediately arose in my mind. He wanted to be all chatty now? And Girl like me? Again, thoughtlessly, and a bit irritated, I answered ‘My boyfriend ran away with my best friend, so...’ As can be expected, I was greeted with silence. It was my turn to smirk when I looked around and saw his look that screamed too-much-information. Surprising even myself, I let out a laugh, and then laughed some more when he gave me another look that clearly said he thought I’d lost it. Between laughs, I confessed ‘It’s just a phrase my friend uses.’ His look didn’t change, and I explained further, ‘You know when you have a problem that seems to be bigger than the world to you, but insignificant to most people? This phrase is the mother of all such problems’. He nodded, but he still looked a bit unsure of my sanity.

We’d sat for a few more minutes in silence and strangely, I wasn’t minding the company. Even stranger, once I’d started, I wanted to talk more. So I continued. ‘It’s been a really bad day. Just had to get away from it all, you know.’ I didn’t know what I’d expected, but certainly not his ‘Yes, I do.’ I’d waited for him to continue, say something more, but right from the start he’d be the one who controlled our ‘conversation’, and he said nothing more. As time passed us by, and waves crashed at out feet dangling over the edge, we rifted in and out of conversations. Him doing most of the talking, me getting in a few questions, but not all the answers. Turned out, we’d both frequented this place often, but never bumped into each other. I’d thought that in my year and a half in this city, I’d been the most regular visitor at this spot, even counting the couples, but he’d beaten me at that.

Randomly he’d ask me a question like ‘So then what is your boyfriend-ran-away-with-your-best-friend-problem?’ that would follow a completely harmless question like, ‘what other places in the city do you haunt?’ Maybe it was that I’d had a crappy day, or just that I was expecting some deep introspection tonight, but I felt myself open up, like I hadn’t in ages. Maybe I’d sub-consciously known what was in store for the future of this conversation. More times than one, I was more than halfway through saying something, before I myself comprehended the magnitude of what I was telling him. Like ‘when I left home, I was so sure of myself, I knew what I wanted, and I knew I could never get that back home.’ He didn’t prompt, he didn’t assume, he didn’t judge. Maybe that was what made me continue, ‘I left everything behind there, everything. And now, I don’t even know what I’m doing, why I’m doing it or even whom I’m doing it for.’ ‘Sometimes you’re not supposed to. Until the end. But no matter what you do, there is almost always the time and concession to go back a few steps and correct your mistakes.’ While I stared in shock at the profundity in his words, it was his turn to laugh out aloud, as he said ‘that’s a phrase I read somewhere. Personally I think you’re screwed. Maybe you ought to jump.’ I’d almost pushed him into the water then.

Couples around us left, a few more came, but even they left before we’d moved. Mostly it had been just long periods of silence. Twice, I distinctly remembered, he’d handed me those small glasses of coffee. I’d never even noticed when he’d gone and come back. He’d probably got it from one of those vendors, which set up stalls for creatures of the night like us. To my question, ‘Why do you pretend to be such a jerk?’, he’d answered, ‘the same reason you pretend not to care.’ No direct answers. While I’d learnt a lot more about him; that he hated movies, just had to always listen to music (I could see his earplugs dangling beneath his collar, and some music blasting from it), and surprise, surprise, that he was actually well read, I still didn’t know anything about him. But even as I asked the questions, I didn’t push him for the answers.

We’d danced around the questions the other asked, at some point we’d gotten up and walked a bit along the promenade, thrown pebbles into the sea trying to see who could throw it the farthest (even though we couldn’t actually see the stones), none of the things I’d ever imagined I’d be doing that night, much less with him. Honestly, before I’d realized it, we noticed it getting lighter around us, the sun was rising. I’d taken out my camera, for a few morning shots, shots that I never would have gotten considering the unearthly hour for me. He’d got us more coffee, and as we sat drinking it, I managed to get a few candid shots of his, as he answered, or avoided answering a question of mine. ‘What is a guy like you doing here at a time like this?’ I asked. ‘Remember your phrase?’ he asked me. ‘Yes’. ‘I was the boyfriend’. Even though it didn’t answer my question, I thought that was all I was going to get, and went back to my coffee. Surprising me for the umpteenth time, he said, softly, ‘I cheated on my girlfriend, with her best friend’. Needless to say, I didn’t have a response, preferring to slurp at that last bit of bitter black liquid at the bottom of the glass. ‘So you see, I am a jerk.’ We sat in silence for a few minutes, till I heard and was nearly blinded by the flash of my own camera. ‘The hunter becomes the hunted’, he grinned. And a smile crept onto my face, as I looked at the picture. I hated pictures of myself, but this was a good one. Nothing pretty about it, just candid. Me staring out at the ocean, with some of it in the frame, and the soft light of sunrise.

‘Anyway, time for me to go’. Just like that. Abrupt. Just like everything the night had been. Weirdly, I didn’t find it awkward, or rude. ‘Yeah, me too. My roomie’s gonna …’ I stopped at his too-much-information look and smiled, as he stood up and turned to walk away. No goodbye. ‘Hey’, I called out, ‘what were you really doing here tonight?’ I don’t know why I’d asked him that. It wasn’t that he’d have given me an answer then. But then he stopped mid stride, turned around and said ‘Considering jumping down onto those rocks.’ He smiled at the look on my face and waved.

I saw him next a couple of days later in college. We passed each other along a corridor, him with those jerk friends of his, me rushing out. We looked at each other, but there wasn’t recognition on either of our faces, no acknowledgement of that night.

When I’d been uploading my most recent batch of pictures that night, I suddenly realized, I had none of those shots of his I’d taken. Mine, of course was still there. The only evidence.

That was the last I saw him.

That was two years ago.

A couple of nights ago, I happened to go back to that place, not unlike the several other times I had done since then. But that night, I saw him there. He was sitting there at the same spot, where we’d had our last coffee. This time, when we looked at each other, we acknowledged it.

As happens sometimes a moment settled... and hovered and remained for much more than a moment. And sound stopped and movement stopped… for much, much more than a moment. And then the moment was gone.

Note: Credit to my friend (who doesn't want it), for the phrase 'My Boyfriend Ran Away with my Best Friend' as a categorization for earth-shattering problems :-p


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Song Recommendation: Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd

The Greatest Game Ever Played

She decided, this time to win the Greatest Game Ever Played.

She knew the perfect opponent to pick, the player who never strayed.

He owned the game and she’d been hurt at it,

It wasn’t a situation he would forfeit.

And so when she asked him ‘What the rules for the Game may be?’

He said ‘Whatever you want them to be’

He thought he couldn’t lose at a game invented by him

And she thought she couldn’t lose if the rules were hers.

His only condition: ‘No one knows about this but you and me’

Hers: ‘You can’t fall in love with me’

The rules and conditions were quickly agreed upon,

Coz it fit what they each wanted right from the dawn.

And so the Game started, and for sure it was like no other.

No candlelit dinners, no long walks and surely no promises of forever.

Such an easy relationship they had never known,

where regrets and emotional burdens were never borne.

She cherished her little secret; glad the world didn’t know every bit of her life,

He loved that she didn’t cling, and that to pamper her he didn’t have to strive.

So ‘blissed’ were they in their assumed victories approaching fast,

Neither realized the day either should have won was long past.

Alas! As happens often, when things are going too right,

Reality hit them right in the face with a light shining too bright.

While they still followed each of her rules to the book,

The conditions, they both seemed to have let off the hook.

They both wished to share their joy with a world so down in sorrow,

They each had started to wish a little more for tomorrow.

But he still thought the game was his,

She thought she could still bend the rules slightly and still win.

Until one day he could take it no more,

And said to her ‘This game doesn’t seem like mine any more. It has to end’

She knew she could take it either way now, maybe give herself another chance,

But she said instead ‘The rules are still mine, and the ball is now at your end’.

They both knew what had happened. She had given him the ‘trump’ card.

If he wanted to keep this game on, he’d have to initiate their steps on this boulevard.

He still thought the game was his, and could not let her win.

Even as he felt his heart break he said ‘Game over’ and left her in the din.

Neither had lost, but no one won. The game left at a stalemate. The pawns stuck in their places with no place to go

He was out wondering if the Game was ever worth his state. She sat writing her story so that the world would know.

Author’s note: Yay! Another try at writing a poem. This time with words that rhymed :) I find this poem extremely hilarious. Did you get the joke? My poem, my story ends here. But I told a couple of my friends I’d give them a happy ending at least once. If you wish to read, it, carry on.

A day passed, and then some.

They each realized the Game lost would not have felt so lonesome.

They bumped into each another one day, while their lives were still a mess.

At a romantic diner overlooking the beach none the less.

The irony not lost on them, they smiled honest smiles,

They fumbled over the first few words that seemed to lessen between them the miles.

Finally, he asked her ‘What the rules this time may be?’.

She smiled and said ‘Sill what I shall want them to be’

Authour’s note again: I know it should have ended ‘Whatever you want them to be’, but I couldn’t resist :-p 

And I feel like I’ve betrayed myself, but there you guys, there’s your extremely overrated ‘happy ending’.


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Song recommendation: Far Away by Nickelback