Happy Birthday to me :)

A wise man once told me, “You can claim to live by your own rules, all you want, but the real challenge is in going out of your own comfort zone, not others’”. So there I was, fidgeting about, waiting for the clock to strike ‘nerves hour’, asking myself to ‘Stop it!’ - and back to step one. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and barley had time to register my change in expression to mocking laughter, before I was back at uncertainty, just as I heard the doorbell go off. “Well”, I said to myself, “This is as good as it’s gonna get” and headed out.

Being greeted with that familiar warm smile helped the nerves some.

“Door, huh? Nice touch. I expected a car honk.”

“I wanted to do this right”

“So are my flowers in the car?”

“Nah, even I couldn’t get away with that”

We headed to a nice restaurant and over a leisurely, wonderful meal (and dessert that gave me a peek onto what heaven might feel like), we ate, laughed and talked. It was nothing new, and yet nothing that we had ever done before. In contrast to my nerves earlier, I was starting to wonder now, Why hadn’t we don’t this before? But there’d be time for that later. I would obviously be spending a lot of time going over tonight in my mind; for now, I wanted to merely enjoy the moment and build up on memories.

Far too soon, in my opinion, we were done with dinner and walking back towards the car. And even with the contended sigh that I got into the car with, I almost wished we weren’t here already. Registering who I was with, I realized I could actually say it out loud and I did.

“I thought you’d never ask” he smiled. “If it’s not too late, we could walk”.

When we stopped at a beach, I couldn’t help but smile. You could leave some things to fate, but knowing for sure what someone would like, comes with familiarity over time. And I was loving all the attention to detail. It was past the time tourists thronged the place, even past the time the creepies decided to take a walk. Now, there were just a few people around, minding their own business, enjoying the peace and quiet. After a few minutes of walking in comfortable silence, I felt his hand reach mine.

“Did you have fun tonight?”

“Yes, I did”

“I thought so; you can’t seem to shake that smile off your face.”

“Neither can you”

I had to ask what had been on my mind for along time now. “Why now?”

“Why anything, you know? Maybe because I just found the guts to ask you now. Mostly because it felt right, now. Any other time, might not have gone well, with either of us”

I knew what he was talking about. “Maybe it would have been better”

“No, I think we needed that stuff. We might be more cautious now. But that will make us value this more. I know that’s how it is for me”

“I’m not sure. I don’t…”

“That’s fine. I’ve been here a little longer than you have. I don’t mind waiting for you to catch up. Just as long as you don’t try to needlessly complicate this into something that it isn’t”

“What is on your mind”, he asked, and I realized I had been quiet for the past few minutes. A few minutes, a lot more steps, faint footprints in the sand, that would be gone with the next slight breeze, or wave that washed over them.

“Just thinking”. Answering his questioning glance, I said “About how well we know each other. And how simple this seems. And I can’t even remember the first time I met you. I normally do”

“Not everything has to be dramatic you know. You don’t have to hate or love a person when you first see them. They don’t have to make gallant efforts to get to the other side of that. Not everyone needs to have a song” I smiled at his last statement.

“That’s right actually. In fact we’ve been almost boring. We didn’t turn into best friends overnight, nor did I try to kill you. No one warned me to stay away from you”.

“No one forced us together either”

“No they didn’t, and yet here we are.”

“I’ve probably never said this, but you are a nice person”

“Nope, never said it before”

”You know what I mean, I don’t want that to change”

“Don’t. Don’t over analyse. Be impulsive. If tonight was fun, just enjoy it. Don’t worry about tomorrow”

A little reassured, we walked on, and even as I debated if our new found relationship could handle it, he said it himself, “that last bit should probably be left for when I am drunk” and we broke into laughter. With that, we were back to ‘normal’.

Just then, it started to rain, drizzles to big drops, to rain. We half ran, half laughed to the car, and as soon as we were locked in, he said, “I know you love it, but I don’t think either of us were dressed to get drenched tonight.” Then, in the light, noticing that we were splattered anyway, I laughed,”The best of both worlds!”

The journey back home, was mostly spent listening to and discussing music. The rain had gotten fiercer and noisier, and as always I was enthralled with the windshield getting covered with water drops, and the wiper swishing it away. Since before I could remember, I could watch this for ages.

Alas, as all things must, the journey ended and I was back behind the door where tonight started. We said our goodbyes, and I waited to see him take off and shut the door. A few minutes later, I was back in front of the same mirror, and this time all I could see was the smile that I still couldn’t shake off.

I heard the phone ring, and rolling my eyes thinking it would be one my friends calling to wish me, I felt the smile grow even wider when I saw who it really was.

“So, what is my song?”

“I thought you’d never ask”

Sometimes, all you need is one chance, to confirm what you've really known all along :-)

Note: To start with, happy birthday to me :-)

24 years, and while the world still hasn’t made much sense to me yet, ringing in a new year this year hasn’t been very scary.

P.S: I meant to title this post, 'Every song is...'

Song Recommendation: None, because I have too many to fit this post in my mind right now. But also because sometimes, you have to “make your own kind of music”

Happy Ending

Note: A slightly delayed farewell present, and dude, you gotta like this!

That time when you stole the last bit of dessert off of my plate before I could reach for it. I was so stuffed I couldn’t have eaten another bite anyway.

Me: I hate you.

You:(smiling): No, you don’t

That time when you dragged me with you, through the night, to trek up a hill and catch a rare sunrise. It was the most beautiful sight I’d ever seen, the best feeling ever to be above clouds with only the sun in distant view, surrounded by fog. Breathtaking.

Me: I hate you.

You:(smiling): No, you don’t

That time when I attempted to cook up a meal, (and NOT -as you put it- tried to kill us both in a kitchen fire) and burnt it, and you somehow performed magic (and NOT -as you put it- cooked another meal). We’ve survived quite a few decently cooked meals (by me of course!) after that, but it’s always that first one that comes to mind.

Me: I hate you.

You:(smiling): No, you don’t

That time when a movie I had been anticipating was finally in theatres. And I was ranting about wanting to watch it, but was unable to get tickets for almost a week, only to find out on the day of the release, that you had booked the tickets way in advance.

Me: I hate you.

You:(smiling): No, you don’t

That time when I was mighty pissed off at you for being out of town on my birthday, and had issued huge announcements about never wanting to see you again. I logged into my mail account at the end of the day, and the best birthday present ever awaited me: a video of you singing n playing my favorite song.

Me: I hate you.

You:(smiling): No, you don’t (and this part was also in the video after a perfectly timed pause for me to say ‘I hate you’)

So many times, so many memories, I could write an entire book recounting each of them, crystal clear in my mind. But really, it comes down to two incidents:

The time you told me about that interesting new job you were offered,

Me: I hate you.

You:(smiling): No, you don’t

 something you always wanted to do,

Me: I hate you.

You:(smiling): No, you don’t

with real good career prospects for the future and a good pay cheque to boot

Me: I HATE you.

You:(smiling): No, you don’t

It was so much better than what you were currently doing, and way better than what I was doing, and I must admit, I was a wee bit jealous.

And then you said, that the offer was for a post in an alien country, with slim chances of you returning in the near future, if at all. I could literally feel my heart falling down to my stomach with a loud thump, and knocking the wind out of me. For the last time,

Me: I hate you.

You:(smiling): No, you don’t

And then, today, now. At the airport, waiting (but not really) for the time when you must absolutely go inside, and then never come back. Fumbling over words, now, after all this time, all these memories, trying to make goodbye seem anything but. We’d been over this. We’d agreed it was for the best. It wasn’t an attempt for me to get you to wait. But it was just something I had to say. To complete this. To complete us.

Me: I love you.

You:(smiling): No, you don’t

The rest is a daze, the huge bear hug you enveloped me in, the one where our friends were alternatively shouting ‘CRY!’ And ‘GAY!’ You’d think they could be a bit more emotional. But really, where had all these emotions found me suddenly?

I remember turning away as you said your goodbyes to the rest. I couldn’t bear to say it one more time. By the time I looked back, you were on your way in. as always, you understood me perfectly.

“Sometimes we love with nothing more than hope. Sometimes we cry with everything except tears”

And yet, as you walked away, all I was left with was ‘A Tear In My Eye’.

Note: There you go! Don’t really like drawing from real life, but it was where the emotions got me. I feel so gay writing this, but don’t worry, even I were, I’d still love you ;)

I already do, and will, miss you like crazy!

Song Recommendation: just the lyrics this time that fit here:

"He's everything you want

He's everything you need

He's everything inside of you

That you wish you could be

He says all the right things

At exactly the right time

But he means nothing to you

And you don't know why"

Everything you want by Vertical Horizon

Rain and Reminiscence

Note: I should just state that i can't really do short posts :)

I rushed out of office, afraid I was gonna be very late for my girls-night-out and face the wrath of five angry, possibly drunk women. I’d rushed through the entire day, buried to my nose in work, with barely a break for lunch, so I wouldn’t be late. It’d been ages since we’d caught up, and tonight was a BIG reason to celebrate. I couldn’t wait to get out of office all day.

Damn! Just as I stepped out, it started to pour. Like, not a drizzle pour, not even vertical-columns-of-water pour, but the fierce-breezy-huge-big-drops-that-can-hurt-you-and-your-umbrella-doesn’t-stand-a-chance pour. Don’t get me wrong, I love the rains, I love getting drenched. Most days I gladly pretend umbrellas aren’t invented and give spaced-out looks (imagine ET saying ‘El-li-ot’) to the people on the streets who give me weird looks for this. But some days, a girl just wants to get home dry, so she can zap into clothes and mood appropriate for the party ahead. Drenched-to-the-bone was not a look I needed tonight. I wrestled open my umbrella (mutual dislike and all that) and then wrestled with it against the wind and the rain, honestly, cyclone anyone? The rain refused to let up. I refused to let down my umbrella, even though it squeaked and creaked (being so rarely used) and even threw a mighty tantrum and flipped over. No sirree, I was not giving up.

I stepped out beyond the huge gates (they call it a workplace, but if you ask me they’re secretly building a fortress to create and harbor zombies) into a pool of slush. Now this I definitely hated. My attempts to hail a cab seemed futile as I stubbornly simultaneously struggled to keep the umbrella overhead, and wade through ankle deep slush to any cab I could set my eyes on, even risking my life to step right in front of them, but to no avail. As always, cabs in this city were headed to some secret magical land, that us commuters never got to go to. As the hands on my watch started moving closer to ‘mortal peril’, I decided I had no option but to try and wade through more slush.

I set off in search of dryer land, but it seemed like it was almost time for the apocalypse and the city was drowning. I was probably imagining myself stuck and swinging between heaven and hell when I died, so much so, that I didn’t notice that the water had almost reached my knees now. I was seriously kidding about the city drowning! Could such a thing really happen? I stopped, right in the middle of the river that used to be an arterial road in the city, for a reality check. I could turn back, and head back to office, but really, swinging between heaven and hell through eternity seemed like a better option. I could move forward, and I could see that the water levels only seemed to rise ahead – Nah! Or I could wait here, right where I was, risk hypothermia, leptospirosis, pneumonia, at the very least, wrinkled skin like after you take a long bath. But did I really have an option?

I sighed heavenwards. I wished God would one day realize I wasn’t really competing with him. Maybe he got the sign, because just then, I noticed a bylane. I hadn’t used it earlier, since there were several constructions going on along that road, and now the offices there contributed to the exponential influx of traffic along this river/road. It seemed dryer, at least I wouldn’t have to worry about whether or not the thing that brushed my leg underwater was a twig or a snake or a rat or the aliens that were trying to invade the earth (more cooler than thinking about the apocalypse).

I waded my way through. Shook off the excess water from my shoes. Came very close to shaking myself like a dog, but it hadn’t stopped raining yet. Thankfully, I was more in control of my umbrella. I took out my phone to check for messages and/or last minute cancellation calls. None. I didn’t even have reception. Excuse me, but I thought I lived in a connected city. The lane was more or less empty. I got that feeling. Like in those horror movies, where the girl walks down the dark alley all by herself. But I put it aside as one more of my hyperactive thoughts this evening. All that coffee I had throughout the day to keep me going, was still keeping me going apparently. As I walked on, I saw more people walking along this lane, bordering on crowded. One of the things I’ve loved about rain is how it quietens everything else. All you can hear is the rain.

As I made my way through the river of people now, I spotted him, at a distance. I’d almost missed him, but in keeping with the movie-like feeling I had, I did a double take, and it was him. There was no mistaking his crazy hair, or his jacket (would he ever get a new one?). I waited for that weird reaction I always got when I used to see him, the fictional butterflies in the stomach, and the skipping of exactly one heart beat and the ten others that followed, making you painfully aware you had a heart and it needed oxygen. But it didn’t come. Was it not him or was I not staring hard enough? He turned around a bit later, and it was him. That lopsided grin, that laughter I almost could hear. I waited for the other emotions to settle in. The hurt, the anger, the pain – the pain always lasted the longest. Maybe because it was the amalgamation of the other two. Maybe because my head wanted to separate the other two, but no matter what I did, it always ended up, in pain.

My mind reeled back to those days, when I swung like crazy between the hurt and the anger. I remembered each of it vividly, but that was it. Just the memories. Not the emotions. "The saddest thing about love, is that not only the love cannot last forever, but even the heartbreak is soon forgotten." The lack of emotion worried me. A little. I didn’t have that feeling anymore when I used to dread each morning, when I was surrounded my overbearing reminders of him all around, when I wondered how I could possibly ever feel happy again. When had it stopped? It’s a shame I don’t remember the first time I smiled after that, but I am sure it had to do with the afore mentioned friends. Right. I needed to get to them. Still no reception. Ah! A few more seconds of staring never killed anyone. I wish I could get close enough to see those eyes. And yet, a part of me worried, that all those emotions were just pretending to be in control. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here, they seemed to tell me. Maybe it was me, but I could make out a bit of his tattoo peeking out from beneath his collar. The design used to be something that only I knew about. I wondered who else was in on the secret. I waited for the jealousy to set it. The insecurity. The fear. Nope. Still nothing.

By now, I was sure, I did look like a spaced out zombie, standing in the middle of a road, staring at a guy like a lovesick idiot. Except that I didn’t feel like one. I felt... nothing. And then I felt a little sad about feeling nothing. And then I felt a little angry for feeling sad about feeling nothing. I moved ahead, accepting the inevitable. I watched carefully his expressions change as he saw me, recognition dawned, his face broke into a smile and we exchanged greeting more apt for old friends meeting up. There- were all the reasons I’d loved him. And still… nothing. In keeping with the movie-like sequence, the rain picked up again, as did the breeze, and my poor old faithful umbrella (blue with snoopy on it) gave up with one final squeak, and some rattling of spokes, and flipped over for the last time. It had lived its largely unused life quite well. And I really wasn’t someone to cover when it rained. My phone also buzzed with a few messages then, all about my friends being stuck in places, and we would have to catch up another day. Usually it bummed me out when that happened, but I would catch up, and we’d have an even bigger reason to celebrate.

The rain seemed to catch up and it only seemed wise to get out of it for a bit. We headed to one of those coffee joints we used to frequent (and I’d refused to step in one after that) for some long time catching up with another… friend. The last thought on my mind was. Has it been a year already? Has it really been that long?

"I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded; not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night."

—    Khaled Hosseini (The Kite Runner)

Song Recommendation: ‘Echoes’ by Pink Floyd

~

Note: Phew! And this one pretty much wrote itself. Definitely not what I had thought of when I started with it. What I had thought of was just the ending bit. but now it seems sorta out of place for me. I don't know yet if I should edit it out... it stays till I can decide.

Also inspired by the ‘flood’ in Bombay on 26-Jul-2005. An experience like no other, truly!

The friends mentioned in the post should understand ;)

The Road (Not) Taken

Somebody tell me what’s wrong
I seem to have lost my way
The urge to get away from a crowd is strong
And alone my far flung thoughts lead me astray


I’m headed down memory lane
Down a boulevard of broken dreams
I have an insight into what might have been
And the bag of choices un-taken is bursting at its seams


Trying to figure out how I got here
The paths so crisscrossed, it’s a maze
I see the paths I almost took, and the ones I did
Smiles await me at the end of the lanes
And not always at the ends of the ones I walked


I wonder what I’d do,
If I could go back and rewrite the past
Would I take on paths un-trodden?
Or would I still be here wondering?


Choices made, shattered dreams, broken promises
Will I ever know where I went wrong?
Maybe if I’d tried harder, held on longer?


Maybe I gave up too soon,
Or maybe, not soon enough?

~

Note: Just scribbles. Wasn't gonna put it up here, but then, I did.

~

Song Recommendation: Too many come to mind, but the line that fits the best:

'The time is gone, the song is over, thought I'd something more to say' -Time