Happy Ending

Note: A slightly delayed farewell present, and dude, you gotta like this!

That time when you stole the last bit of dessert off of my plate before I could reach for it. I was so stuffed I couldn’t have eaten another bite anyway.

Me: I hate you.

You:(smiling): No, you don’t

That time when you dragged me with you, through the night, to trek up a hill and catch a rare sunrise. It was the most beautiful sight I’d ever seen, the best feeling ever to be above clouds with only the sun in distant view, surrounded by fog. Breathtaking.

Me: I hate you.

You:(smiling): No, you don’t

That time when I attempted to cook up a meal, (and NOT -as you put it- tried to kill us both in a kitchen fire) and burnt it, and you somehow performed magic (and NOT -as you put it- cooked another meal). We’ve survived quite a few decently cooked meals (by me of course!) after that, but it’s always that first one that comes to mind.

Me: I hate you.

You:(smiling): No, you don’t

That time when a movie I had been anticipating was finally in theatres. And I was ranting about wanting to watch it, but was unable to get tickets for almost a week, only to find out on the day of the release, that you had booked the tickets way in advance.

Me: I hate you.

You:(smiling): No, you don’t

That time when I was mighty pissed off at you for being out of town on my birthday, and had issued huge announcements about never wanting to see you again. I logged into my mail account at the end of the day, and the best birthday present ever awaited me: a video of you singing n playing my favorite song.

Me: I hate you.

You:(smiling): No, you don’t (and this part was also in the video after a perfectly timed pause for me to say ‘I hate you’)

So many times, so many memories, I could write an entire book recounting each of them, crystal clear in my mind. But really, it comes down to two incidents:

The time you told me about that interesting new job you were offered,

Me: I hate you.

You:(smiling): No, you don’t

 something you always wanted to do,

Me: I hate you.

You:(smiling): No, you don’t

with real good career prospects for the future and a good pay cheque to boot

Me: I HATE you.

You:(smiling): No, you don’t

It was so much better than what you were currently doing, and way better than what I was doing, and I must admit, I was a wee bit jealous.

And then you said, that the offer was for a post in an alien country, with slim chances of you returning in the near future, if at all. I could literally feel my heart falling down to my stomach with a loud thump, and knocking the wind out of me. For the last time,

Me: I hate you.

You:(smiling): No, you don’t

And then, today, now. At the airport, waiting (but not really) for the time when you must absolutely go inside, and then never come back. Fumbling over words, now, after all this time, all these memories, trying to make goodbye seem anything but. We’d been over this. We’d agreed it was for the best. It wasn’t an attempt for me to get you to wait. But it was just something I had to say. To complete this. To complete us.

Me: I love you.

You:(smiling): No, you don’t

The rest is a daze, the huge bear hug you enveloped me in, the one where our friends were alternatively shouting ‘CRY!’ And ‘GAY!’ You’d think they could be a bit more emotional. But really, where had all these emotions found me suddenly?

I remember turning away as you said your goodbyes to the rest. I couldn’t bear to say it one more time. By the time I looked back, you were on your way in. as always, you understood me perfectly.

“Sometimes we love with nothing more than hope. Sometimes we cry with everything except tears”

And yet, as you walked away, all I was left with was ‘A Tear In My Eye’.

Note: There you go! Don’t really like drawing from real life, but it was where the emotions got me. I feel so gay writing this, but don’t worry, even I were, I’d still love you ;)

I already do, and will, miss you like crazy!

Song Recommendation: just the lyrics this time that fit here:

"He's everything you want

He's everything you need

He's everything inside of you

That you wish you could be

He says all the right things

At exactly the right time

But he means nothing to you

And you don't know why"

Everything you want by Vertical Horizon

A Change of Perspective

How do you know if your world has crashed?

How can you tell one thing isn’t right when all of it is in disarray?

You need a frame of reference,

One thing to measure it by

One thing that stayed as it was, that didn’t crash

While everything around did…

But you notice not what stayed,

All you can see is the chaos,

All you worry about is what’s not there anymore

What can never come back…

It takes but a second to catch your own reflection

Off of some broken shiny object

To make you realize that you are the one thing that is still upright

The only thing that remained

Intact, if only by appearance…

It takes several moments more

For you to realize there is only one thing to do

Try and resuscitate whatever can be

And to clean up the mess the rest made

And as you try to start to do so

And fail at each attempt,

Just as you are about to give up,

You realize all you need is a change of perspective

All that crashed, was you

Everything else remained just the same as before

The biggest of problems seem minuscule when a new one comes along...

Expressing the only way I can...

Rain and Reminiscence

Note: I should just state that i can't really do short posts :)

I rushed out of office, afraid I was gonna be very late for my girls-night-out and face the wrath of five angry, possibly drunk women. I’d rushed through the entire day, buried to my nose in work, with barely a break for lunch, so I wouldn’t be late. It’d been ages since we’d caught up, and tonight was a BIG reason to celebrate. I couldn’t wait to get out of office all day.

Damn! Just as I stepped out, it started to pour. Like, not a drizzle pour, not even vertical-columns-of-water pour, but the fierce-breezy-huge-big-drops-that-can-hurt-you-and-your-umbrella-doesn’t-stand-a-chance pour. Don’t get me wrong, I love the rains, I love getting drenched. Most days I gladly pretend umbrellas aren’t invented and give spaced-out looks (imagine ET saying ‘El-li-ot’) to the people on the streets who give me weird looks for this. But some days, a girl just wants to get home dry, so she can zap into clothes and mood appropriate for the party ahead. Drenched-to-the-bone was not a look I needed tonight. I wrestled open my umbrella (mutual dislike and all that) and then wrestled with it against the wind and the rain, honestly, cyclone anyone? The rain refused to let up. I refused to let down my umbrella, even though it squeaked and creaked (being so rarely used) and even threw a mighty tantrum and flipped over. No sirree, I was not giving up.

I stepped out beyond the huge gates (they call it a workplace, but if you ask me they’re secretly building a fortress to create and harbor zombies) into a pool of slush. Now this I definitely hated. My attempts to hail a cab seemed futile as I stubbornly simultaneously struggled to keep the umbrella overhead, and wade through ankle deep slush to any cab I could set my eyes on, even risking my life to step right in front of them, but to no avail. As always, cabs in this city were headed to some secret magical land, that us commuters never got to go to. As the hands on my watch started moving closer to ‘mortal peril’, I decided I had no option but to try and wade through more slush.

I set off in search of dryer land, but it seemed like it was almost time for the apocalypse and the city was drowning. I was probably imagining myself stuck and swinging between heaven and hell when I died, so much so, that I didn’t notice that the water had almost reached my knees now. I was seriously kidding about the city drowning! Could such a thing really happen? I stopped, right in the middle of the river that used to be an arterial road in the city, for a reality check. I could turn back, and head back to office, but really, swinging between heaven and hell through eternity seemed like a better option. I could move forward, and I could see that the water levels only seemed to rise ahead – Nah! Or I could wait here, right where I was, risk hypothermia, leptospirosis, pneumonia, at the very least, wrinkled skin like after you take a long bath. But did I really have an option?

I sighed heavenwards. I wished God would one day realize I wasn’t really competing with him. Maybe he got the sign, because just then, I noticed a bylane. I hadn’t used it earlier, since there were several constructions going on along that road, and now the offices there contributed to the exponential influx of traffic along this river/road. It seemed dryer, at least I wouldn’t have to worry about whether or not the thing that brushed my leg underwater was a twig or a snake or a rat or the aliens that were trying to invade the earth (more cooler than thinking about the apocalypse).

I waded my way through. Shook off the excess water from my shoes. Came very close to shaking myself like a dog, but it hadn’t stopped raining yet. Thankfully, I was more in control of my umbrella. I took out my phone to check for messages and/or last minute cancellation calls. None. I didn’t even have reception. Excuse me, but I thought I lived in a connected city. The lane was more or less empty. I got that feeling. Like in those horror movies, where the girl walks down the dark alley all by herself. But I put it aside as one more of my hyperactive thoughts this evening. All that coffee I had throughout the day to keep me going, was still keeping me going apparently. As I walked on, I saw more people walking along this lane, bordering on crowded. One of the things I’ve loved about rain is how it quietens everything else. All you can hear is the rain.

As I made my way through the river of people now, I spotted him, at a distance. I’d almost missed him, but in keeping with the movie-like feeling I had, I did a double take, and it was him. There was no mistaking his crazy hair, or his jacket (would he ever get a new one?). I waited for that weird reaction I always got when I used to see him, the fictional butterflies in the stomach, and the skipping of exactly one heart beat and the ten others that followed, making you painfully aware you had a heart and it needed oxygen. But it didn’t come. Was it not him or was I not staring hard enough? He turned around a bit later, and it was him. That lopsided grin, that laughter I almost could hear. I waited for the other emotions to settle in. The hurt, the anger, the pain – the pain always lasted the longest. Maybe because it was the amalgamation of the other two. Maybe because my head wanted to separate the other two, but no matter what I did, it always ended up, in pain.

My mind reeled back to those days, when I swung like crazy between the hurt and the anger. I remembered each of it vividly, but that was it. Just the memories. Not the emotions. "The saddest thing about love, is that not only the love cannot last forever, but even the heartbreak is soon forgotten." The lack of emotion worried me. A little. I didn’t have that feeling anymore when I used to dread each morning, when I was surrounded my overbearing reminders of him all around, when I wondered how I could possibly ever feel happy again. When had it stopped? It’s a shame I don’t remember the first time I smiled after that, but I am sure it had to do with the afore mentioned friends. Right. I needed to get to them. Still no reception. Ah! A few more seconds of staring never killed anyone. I wish I could get close enough to see those eyes. And yet, a part of me worried, that all those emotions were just pretending to be in control. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here, they seemed to tell me. Maybe it was me, but I could make out a bit of his tattoo peeking out from beneath his collar. The design used to be something that only I knew about. I wondered who else was in on the secret. I waited for the jealousy to set it. The insecurity. The fear. Nope. Still nothing.

By now, I was sure, I did look like a spaced out zombie, standing in the middle of a road, staring at a guy like a lovesick idiot. Except that I didn’t feel like one. I felt... nothing. And then I felt a little sad about feeling nothing. And then I felt a little angry for feeling sad about feeling nothing. I moved ahead, accepting the inevitable. I watched carefully his expressions change as he saw me, recognition dawned, his face broke into a smile and we exchanged greeting more apt for old friends meeting up. There- were all the reasons I’d loved him. And still… nothing. In keeping with the movie-like sequence, the rain picked up again, as did the breeze, and my poor old faithful umbrella (blue with snoopy on it) gave up with one final squeak, and some rattling of spokes, and flipped over for the last time. It had lived its largely unused life quite well. And I really wasn’t someone to cover when it rained. My phone also buzzed with a few messages then, all about my friends being stuck in places, and we would have to catch up another day. Usually it bummed me out when that happened, but I would catch up, and we’d have an even bigger reason to celebrate.

The rain seemed to catch up and it only seemed wise to get out of it for a bit. We headed to one of those coffee joints we used to frequent (and I’d refused to step in one after that) for some long time catching up with another… friend. The last thought on my mind was. Has it been a year already? Has it really been that long?

"I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded; not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night."

—    Khaled Hosseini (The Kite Runner)

Song Recommendation: ‘Echoes’ by Pink Floyd

~

Note: Phew! And this one pretty much wrote itself. Definitely not what I had thought of when I started with it. What I had thought of was just the ending bit. but now it seems sorta out of place for me. I don't know yet if I should edit it out... it stays till I can decide.

Also inspired by the ‘flood’ in Bombay on 26-Jul-2005. An experience like no other, truly!

The friends mentioned in the post should understand ;)

Imploding

Similarities bore.
Differences frustrate.

I think it’s time I moved on.
I’ve stared at this rock long enough, waiting for it to show me the face of God.

It ain’t gonna happen.



OK, somebody help me move!!!



`

Full Moon

Note: And, I'm back :) This will explain why I've been missing.

They say it is darkest before dawn but it’s darker when it’s a sky with no moon, and you have a darker soul. The roads were lit with the dull yellow streetlights, but the shadows they cast seemed as lifeless as the lights themselves. That night, I felt like a stranger in my own city. I felt as though the city was trying to alienate me as much I was trying to get away from it. I sped through the empty roads, occasionally driving past a vehicle headed towards what I was getting away from. Always towards. Never away. It seemed, literally and figuratively, I was alone in my journey.

Alone, never lonely. I’d always defined myself that way. But then, the world of difference between the two terms, seemed not to exist. It was just me, with all my material possessions that mattered to me the most, speeding out, getting away. As I drove over the sea, the air that quite uniquely belonged to just my city, seemed to suffocate me. As soon as I crossed the city limits, I looked back, without knowing what I was looking back for. I’d thought it was relief, but maybe I was wrong. The tension within me seemed to lift, with the sun that was rising along the horizon. My destination till then was undecided, but it took me a split second to decide. I’d wanted to run, and run I would. I wouldn’t be alone. I wouldn’t have company, I would have competition. I’d race the sun, to the shores each evening; I’d race to be the one out first at dawn.

The first couple of days passed by with my eyes set on the sun alone. All that mattered to me then, was winning. My days ended at the top of hills along my way, where I sat watching the sun go down. I’d stay at the hill tops long after the sun had disappeared behind the hills in the distance, covering behind the clouds. Coward, I’d said. When I turned around, it was dark again, but when I looked up, a couple of days later, there was the faintest sliver of white- the moon was starting to show again.

I was driving along a road that seemed to have no beginning or end, with just plain unused land all around me, no hint of civilization around for as far as I could see. Soon after I passed a fork, in the road, I looked into the rearview mirror and found a dog following my car. I ignored it as just another dog chasing behind a car, but five minutes later it was still there. It looked like it had slowed down a bit, but it still continued to run. I stopped the car, waiting to see what it would do. I expected it to sniff around for a bit before heading back, but it just came and stopped by my door. It looked at me once, and then it just sort of made up its mind to be my designated companion for the ride. I opened the door to let it in, and after getting in with one pounce, it primly shuffled around in the seat till his head was hanging out. So much for company!

The next couple of days were spent along with my silent companion, and I was happier for it. I’d never had a pet, and thus, never appreciated the comfort or quiet assurance a person cannot provide at times. The Dog (I refused to name it) knew just how to be. We were two souls, in no hurry to get anywhere once the sun had set. My soul was starting to warm up, and the sky lighten a little bit more each night, with the moon showing itself a little more each day. Funny to think I’d never even have noticed it back home. ‘Back home’… I was surprised I could still call it that.

Finally one day, I reached the end of all the land I’d ever known. I finally got to see where the sun went to hide its head under the sand till the next day. Well, maybe a little beyond the sand, to the surf, and a little beyond that. Water, for as far as I could see, nothing more, nothing less, and the sun, sinking low beneath it. Long after the sun was gone, the Dog and I sat by the sea, watching the last few birds make their way back home. Watching little boats, heading back to shore, filled to capacity with fish (I’d have to find one of those for dinner later), fisherman gaily calling out to each other, happy talk about their lucky catch for the day, and anticipation of going home to a warm home-cooked meal. I sat until it was all dark, maybe I had dozed off for a bit, lost in the silence except for the waves crashing till the Dog’s bark woke me. The water had just about reached us, it was time to head back, he seemed to say as he ran away.

I ran after it. I had no name to call out for, just blindly followed the barks in the dark. I slowed down when it got a little lighter, we’d reached some sort of little settlement, and the sights and sounds (ands smell) told me it was a fishermen’s village. The Dog’s barking got louder, and I picked up pace, only to find it jumping around in abandon with little kids who took turns running away and rolling around in the sand with it. The sight stilled me. What wouldn’t I give for such abandon, and no worries! The Dog sensed I was there, and came up to me, almost dragging and pushing me towards the kids who hesitated no more than a minute to accept me considering I was with the Dog. That’s how the Dog earned us our first warm home cooked meal in days.

And of course, then I had to leave. As a token of my gratitude for the free meal and shelter for the night, I offered the fisherman a drop to some place if he wanted to go. No sooner than I had spoken, than my car was filled with people. Men and women who had work in the nearby town, and kids who had no work, but wouldn’t miss a car ride with a Dog. I worried a little for all my stuff that was getting cramped up, and my guitar that the kids seemed to find a little amusing, but the ride to the town was unlike any other. The elders kept me busy with their talk, and even though I barely got a word in, it was the most I’d spoken, except with the Dog. We got to the market and the grownups decided I could be left with the kids to watch over them for a while, and we spent a few hours, Dog and I, entertaining them. I even played some music for them, and that made me realize how much I’d missed it! The familiar sting of the strings beneath my fingers- sweet pain!

Dog decided that would be our mode of travel for the rest of my journey. Hed decide who our company for the day would be and I’d exchange free rides, and some time of human company for a free ride to some place, or a free song on my guitar.

Just as suddenly the Dog decided to join me, it decided to abandon me. So much for being man’s best friend huh! We were atop one of the hills closer to home again, and I was busy looking around the place. Unlike the past few days, I had no one for company. I didn’t realize when the Dog stealthily got away. I waited, a long time, for it to show up, but it didn’t. And I knew, that it wouldn’t, no matter how long I’d waited. Maybe it had found someone else who needed the company more than me. As I lay down to sleep, I realized that I’d be home the next night.

I woke up to a faint drizzle, and keeping in mind that it was my last day of journeying, and since the Dog was no longer by my side, I decided to journey alone. Familiar roads now, familiar sights, I’d been here a lot of times even when I wasn’t running away. The air seemed to get familiar too. I made no stops, paid no heed to my craving stomach, and finally as it got dark, I turned onto the final road that would lead me Home. The beauty of my city is that, no matter how long you’ve been away, you’ll always know when you’re back. Back again driving over the sea, this time I was driving in the same direction as everyone else, though I did spot the few that were running away.

I was home. Maybe not forever, maybe I’d only returned to say goodbye. Maybe I’d set out again, soon, looking for something I don’t know that I’m looking for. Maybe I’ll always leave, only to return. Because, and I’m ready to accept it, no place will ever be home, but the best of us need to get out of it sometime.

As soon as I got out of my car, I heard a cloud burst, and huge drops of the rain that had been threatening me all day, poured over me. I let it all sink in, let the water drench me to my bones, stretched out my hands, with my eyes closed, leaving all my senses open to just feeling the rain. As I opened my eyes and looked up at the sky, I noticed the moon. A full moon. Bright and shining, but alone.

Alone. Not lonely.

Song Recommendation: 'Full Moon' by the Black Ghosts

Note: If you're read it all, thanks. A little long, but it had months of venting cramped in it, and i couldn't bring myself to edit any part of it. Will try again in a more stable frame of mind, if ever :)

Deja vu/ Why?

2 things...

1. Déjà vu

(More Than) Empty Conversations

My favourite piece here so far...

I’m biased to my own stories, I’ll never make a good mom :-P

2. This is actually many things, but connected, for me :)

Why do we so often leave our best chances as last resorts?

Why do we often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude?

Why does it have to be All or nothing for me, ALL the time?

Why can’t I do goodbyes?

Why am I being SUCH a girl????

(ok, so maybe this doesn’t really belong here, but, mwa ha ha ha, MY BLOG, MY POSTS)

Also, the hiatus on stuff here is intentional, for those who asked :)

Coming back to Life

A million thoughts in my head,
A mind fuzzed with not enough sleep,
A thousand worries I shouldn’t have
Chaos all around, I’m still in another world

I enter through high arched doors,
Make my way towards the curved stairway
I hear the first faint sounds
A sound that will 'fix' it all
A sound that makes me smile
A sound that makes me forget all that’s wrong

I make my way up the stairs
The sounds getting louder and clearer
The sounds and sight i seek are right around the corner
The stairway lightens up as i climb on
The sound a final turn away
And I head into the shining sun

The thoughts lost,
The mind awakens,
The worries linger no more
And I’m in a world where I belong


Note: Another poem. Is it just me or too many of them here? Still don't think I can write one though.
'The Greatest Game Ever Played' remains a favorite. It rhymed :)

Song Recommendation: Doesn't fit here, but 'The Beautiful Letdown' by Switchfoot is on my mind right now.

The Road (Not) Taken

Somebody tell me what’s wrong
I seem to have lost my way
The urge to get away from a crowd is strong
And alone my far flung thoughts lead me astray


I’m headed down memory lane
Down a boulevard of broken dreams
I have an insight into what might have been
And the bag of choices un-taken is bursting at its seams


Trying to figure out how I got here
The paths so crisscrossed, it’s a maze
I see the paths I almost took, and the ones I did
Smiles await me at the end of the lanes
And not always at the ends of the ones I walked


I wonder what I’d do,
If I could go back and rewrite the past
Would I take on paths un-trodden?
Or would I still be here wondering?


Choices made, shattered dreams, broken promises
Will I ever know where I went wrong?
Maybe if I’d tried harder, held on longer?


Maybe I gave up too soon,
Or maybe, not soon enough?

~

Note: Just scribbles. Wasn't gonna put it up here, but then, I did.

~

Song Recommendation: Too many come to mind, but the line that fits the best:

'The time is gone, the song is over, thought I'd something more to say' -Time

A Momentary Lapse of Reason

Note: Another attempt at fiction after quite some time. Tried to keep it short.

I think relationships can be defined by big moments that don't happen. ...Or by the little ones that do.

I don’t know where I went wrong. I don’t know if it one big thing, or one tiny thing, or several tiny things. I don’t know if the whole thing was wrong in the first place, but I did not see it coming.

I remember the first time I saw you. He and I were going to watch a movie, and you rudely cut into line before us. Then you lit a cigarette and gloriously ignored my coughing.

You turned around with the tickets in hand, and smiled, no laughed at Her, ran up to Her and almost snatching the slushie from Her hand, gulped down the last of it.

A common friend introduced us a few days later. I didn’t realize then it was you. You still don’t know. You gave a customary nod and smile towards me at my introduction, not really taking in any information about me. At the end of the party, I was waiting for Him to pick me up, saying my goodbyes to my friends. You - the party animal - was amongst the last to leave. Again, a cursory nod, and you were off, without a good bye or ‘hope to see you again’

Fate played a cruel game. He and you became friends. Back then, I saw it as being forced into your company. I took it as you trying to steal Him away from me. What with all our ‘dates’ moving from just the two of Us, to including you, and maybe more guys, hanging out at sports bars. I was jealous for the first time, and because of a guy. Not a good feeling.

I’d come home from a week long business trip. I’d been dying to see Him after being away for so long, but to my disappointment, when I got off the plane, He called to say, He was stuck at work with a deadline. Instead, He’d asked you to pick me up. Maybe it was the long flight, but mostly it was you that made me reply, ‘If you can’t come, I’ll make it home myself, I don’t need a stupid driver’. Of course, when I turned around, you were standing right there, after eavesdropping on my not-so-soft-spoken conversation and fake-grinned ‘your chauffeur is here ma’am’.

His birthday was around the corner. I couldn’t think of a good enough gift to get Him. And I wanted it to be special. ‘What do you get a guy who has me?’ I asked. You named a book, which has gone on to become amongst his most favorite books. I hadn’t realized you read. Heck, I hadn’t realized we talked enough, for you to be suggesting gift ideas, and me to be accepting them. It was when He gave me the biggest grin ever when He ripped open the present, that I realized I couldn’t have gotten Him anything better. I turned around to smile thanks at you, but you were too busy stuffing your face with cake.

It’d crept up on me, I’m sure. How else could I not have realized we were becoming friends? The frequency of calls increased, the subjects, moving from just one question to long discussions. When did I start talking to you? When did I start laughing with you? When did you become among the first people to know anything that happened with me? He didn’t mind our friendship. In fact He was glad for it. I’m not of the stone-age mindset, but I wish for once He’d have a tiny problem with it. He didn’t.

Our jobs often took us to different cities. We spent precious little time together. I would miss Him terribly when He wasn’t here with me. Another place, I wouldn’t mind. But here, home didn’t seem home without Him. Phone calls, no matter how long, or detailed, could only comfort so much. You became the one I turned to. I’d often tag along with you and Her. Funny, I never wondered if She felt the same as you did initially, while hanging out with us. She didn’t seem to mind, and She and I got to be friends too. But seeing you with Her, got harder with time. Maybe I misunderstood.

The two of you together, always reminded me of the two of us. If not in how you were, then in how you were not. Mostly the latter. I always thought ours was a grown up mature relationship, and yours most obviously wasn’t. The silly arguments, and the mushy making up, the giggling and the touching, the wanting to know about every second of the other’s life- I thought we were way over that. Again I misunderstood. I openly made jokes about how childish you two were, but I was just being jealous. I was missing Him way too much. But I thought I was too mature to simply call Him ten times a day just to hear his voice.

You sensed something was amiss. You tried your best to cheer me up. It worked, but only when I was with you. When you weren’t around, my mind was even more confused now. Missing Him and you. I should’ve seen it coming at least then but I didn’t. i was just missing Him, and you distracted me. I knew this. Then why?

How did we end up there? How could I have misunderstood so much? How did I end up being so confused. I never stopped loving Him, I never thought any one else could ever take his place. Yet there we were. Watching a movie, one afternoon. Some stupid zombie type movie, none the less. I laughed appropriately at all the bits that were “scary”. I don’t know how it happened. Suddenly I was very aware of the fact that I wasn’t looking at the screen, but watching your expressions change. I smiled when you gaily laughed. I smirked at your disgusted expression during the zombie-eating-human bits.

But what got me back, was when you turned to look at me. First you were still laughing at some scene, then your expression changed to a smirk, wondering what I was thinking, and finally as realization dawned, your face dropped, and your eyes closed in disappointment.

‘This isn’t’

‘I know’

‘He’s my friend’

‘I know’

‘He truly loves you’

‘I love Him too’

‘I love Her’

‘I know’

‘I’m sorry…’

‘No, it’s my fault’

‘I can’t…’

‘I don’t know what I was thinking’

‘This isn’t’

‘I… know’

Song Recommendation: ‘One Slip’ by Pink Floyd

Note: The story is fictional, the idea is not. Maybe I can come up with His and Her part of the story. Kind of feel sorry for them.

Broken

Note: Apparently, I love drama.

I’m a hoarder. I love collecting stuff. Most of all, I love collecting tiny pebbles. I used to have loads of them. Picked up mainly at beaches. Different shapes, different textures, different sizes. Each one, unique. That’s what I liked best about them. I liked them all, but none of them were exactly the same as another.

One day, when the pebbles grew a little larger in number than I could manage with ease, I got a beautiful glass jar to keep them in. With the pebbles all piled up together, the glass jar seemed a pleasant sight to look at, with the different colors within it, reflecting light at different angles. I placed it right where the first rays of the morning sun could hit it, and the first thing I saw each morning when I awoke. And I smiled each time I looked at it. Slowly, but surely the jar began to fill up. More pebbles of more colors, shapes, sizes and textures. Each time, I thought one more wouldn’t fit into it, I’d just shake the jar a bit, and the pebbles within would move, to accommodate the new one.

Then one day, two things happened. I got a new pebble to add to my collection, but before I got to add it to the jar, I found out there were going to be guests coming over. The guests included children, which included a lot of running around, and into things, and my first thought went out to my pebbles. I wasn’t very keen on handing out my pebbles to them yet either. So I took the jar and I placed it on a very high shelf, where none of the little hands could reach for it.

All was well for most of the time, until my worst fears came true, when one of the kids, running amok (why aren’t there leashes for those things? :-P) headed straight for the shelf. In my minds eye, I almost saw it before it happened, but was dumbstruck. In slow-mo I watched the kid run into the shelf, and then bounce off its door and run out of the room, without breaking pace, getting away from the other kids behind him. I stared up where the jar, shaken from its position wobbled a bit, then stilled dangerously onto the edge of its base, before making its journey downwards.

I lunged for it, trying to protect it, but from across the room, my move didn’t do much good. I halted, suddenly, and closed my eyes just when it hit the floor. But I could not shut down the sounds that followed. The glass shattering, the pebbles scattering, the gasps of the people followed by their sudden silence. I opened my eyes, to the blurry (I was NOT gonna cry) mess in front of me. Each precious pebble I’d so carefully sought and guarded, there amongst bits of glass. I tried to salvage a few, but the jar had shattered into so many little pieces, I couldn’t touch a pebble without getting any glass in my fingers. My bloodied fingers finally made me stop, And I resigned to the fact that I could never have those back again.

Walked out this morning/ Don't believe what I saw/ A hundred billion bottles/ Washed up on the shore/ Seems I'm not alone at being alone/ A hundred billion castaways/ Looking for a home - Message in a Bottle by Police

I have that one new pebble that I hadn’t yet added to the jar. Maybe I’ll start over, or maybe I’ll add it to the trash bag with all the others.

Fade to Nothing

I had a dream last night.

I am walking down a road. It is unfamiliar to me, but not unknown. I’d never been down this one before, but the terrain, now that I knew. There’s a little bit of me, that tiny voice that loves the ‘unsafe’. This road has huge warning signs all over it. As I walk along, the person walking besides me (changing every second from person to person, everyone I ever knew and loved) keeps asking me to stop. Keeps telling me it is dangerous. Some try to move me away from it physically, but I somehow find the urge to keep going irresistible. The tiny voice in my head is having the time of its life, egging me on. ‘It will be so much fun. Aren’t you bored of being so nice all the time. Aren’t you just sick of doing what everyone else asks you to do? This one’s the biggest challenge I could find for now. If you conquer this, well, you will be basking in the rewards later, and these people will be your side, applauding you then.’ The voice is crazy with glee, overshadowing everyone else’s, and so I pay heed to it. Ignoring the pleas, ignoring the threats from some of my friends. I keep walking. Slowly, my companion fades. In phases, there is someone suddenly walking besides me, and a few steps later I am all alone. Even the voice in my head has left me. I have no company anymore, and if I have to walk down this road I am all by myself. I look back, once, to see if I should really go back, but there is nothing behind me. Nothing at all, just black emptiness. I look ahead and there is the road stretched out in front of me, flooded with blinding light. There is clearly only one way to go.

I’m walking and with each step I take, the ground behind me vanishes into nothingness. The road seems really easy. Is it really the one I’ve been seeking when I was walking through all the others? I know there is something brilliant waiting for me at the end of this road, but the details elude me. I just know that I have to keep walking, and while I cant wait to reach the end, I don’t want the road to end either. I realize that I’ve begun to run, run really fast, and it is so graceful, so fluid, that I almost shock myself into waking up. As I run along, the landscape keeps changing constantly, but one thing remains constant, the road behind me keeps turning into nothing. If it weren’t for the changing landscape, and the fact that I could feel my body move faster than ever, I would be simply standing in the same place staring out into the light, with nothing behind me. I have an aerial view of myself as I run, and I am the line that divides the road from nothing, as I keep moving, the darkness keeps moving, engulfing with it more and more of the road. As I run along, I still catch odd glimpses of people I know. People I’ve loved. Some just stand there, and I am unable to make out any more because I have run past them, and they have been engulfed into nothing. Some I spot from a little distance, they seem to try to mouth something out to me, but with the sounds of my footsteps and my breathing, I can’t hear a word they say. I try to stop a couple of times, but I am unable to, its like I am now a machine that has been set to run at a predetermined sped in a particular direction. Few, very few, try to run along, I spot them for longer periods, trying to keep up, stay with me, knowing I cannot understand, just quietly running along, with the occasional smile that is both meant to reassure me of their presence , and at the same time, sad. ‘Why sad?’ I wonder out aloud, ‘at least you care enough to try to keep up. The others didn’t even take a step‘. As soon as I say this out, their look changes to one of hurt. I do not know why, but immediately after they are left behind too.

I’m confused now, I want to continue, but I still want to stop and go back. I realized I can only go forward. My body has stopped being controlled by my brain, and is just moving ahead, and I realize all I can do now is give in, and wait and watch. I resume my aerial position, and watch as my body moves along the road, with the darkness moving in from behind. It suddenly hits me, I am not running away into the light, I am running away from the darkness, which is engulfing me fast from behind. I am surprised that my body knew this before my mind. Now I am glad that I’m moving away, though I am afraid what it means that my friends are being left behind. As soon as I think this, I spot one more moving ahead. One of my closest friends, my rock. Long before I reach there, my  friend has started to run, knowing that keeping up will require a huge head start. I know that my heart would be a little hurt, lacking the logic that my brain has. I would only have seen it as my friend running away, leaving me behind. My brain understands,  grasps the concept of the true friend and the fact that my heart will never forgive my friend for leaving me behind. I suddenly realize what me heart is asking my body to do, and I try to go back, force it into reason, but the attempt is futile. I can only watch, shocked, as I see myself catch up, and push - put out my arm, and use all the super-human force I seem to possess - my friend into the darkness.

My mind is reeling. From up here, with this objective view, I finally get the look of hurt on my friend’s face, and am ashamed of myself for putting it there. Another one lost into the darkness. All sorts of thoughts are running in my head now. Jumbled, in random order, with little or no reference. I am thinking back to all the times I let my heart decide before my mind, and I think back to the outcomes. Whoever said, listen to your heart over your mind, did they think it through? While I am still coping with the thoughts, still wondering about the kind of person I’ve been, I happen to look ahead, and happen to see what I instinctively know my body has not, the end of the road. Just as the darkness behind me, there is nothing beyond that point on the road ahead, and I am hurtling towards there. Even though I know, that I haven’t been the best person, survival instincts kick and in , and I rush towards my body, determined to get it under control again. I have to make it stop. I don’t know what will happen when I stop, will I just be stuck on the road, between two worlds of darkness? I shall be alone, I have myself pushed away anyone who ever cared. But I know I must stop. I have to. The aerial view I have shows me that we’re almost there at the edge. My heart and body still won’t listen to my mind. On the contrary, I see a smile on my lips, albeit disconnected from my eyes. My eyes look elated, not in a happy kind, just in the sense that says it knows its goal is achieved.

I am too late, in the end I won’t be able to save even myself. I see the light slimming down to a sliver and the last thing I can see is myself, jumping off the edge of the road, (which now seems to be a cliff) into nothing. And then there is only the darkness. The last thing I feel, is my feet leaving firm ground and jumping into nothing, the darkness I’ve been running from. As I feel the lurch of the ground slipping beneath my feet, I jerk awake, breathing as though I had actually run all that way. I do not know if, when I jumped, I managed to fly, or if I fell.

“Time takes it all whether you want it to or not, time takes it all. Time bares it away, and in the end there is only darkness. Sometimes we find others in that darkness, and sometimes we lose them there again.”

- Stephen King

Note: Didn't exactly think this one through. The work of a truly insomniac mind.

The brain is hazy between the real and the dream now.

~

Song Recommendation: Run Away by Staind