Full Moon

Note: And, I'm back :) This will explain why I've been missing.

They say it is darkest before dawn but it’s darker when it’s a sky with no moon, and you have a darker soul. The roads were lit with the dull yellow streetlights, but the shadows they cast seemed as lifeless as the lights themselves. That night, I felt like a stranger in my own city. I felt as though the city was trying to alienate me as much I was trying to get away from it. I sped through the empty roads, occasionally driving past a vehicle headed towards what I was getting away from. Always towards. Never away. It seemed, literally and figuratively, I was alone in my journey.

Alone, never lonely. I’d always defined myself that way. But then, the world of difference between the two terms, seemed not to exist. It was just me, with all my material possessions that mattered to me the most, speeding out, getting away. As I drove over the sea, the air that quite uniquely belonged to just my city, seemed to suffocate me. As soon as I crossed the city limits, I looked back, without knowing what I was looking back for. I’d thought it was relief, but maybe I was wrong. The tension within me seemed to lift, with the sun that was rising along the horizon. My destination till then was undecided, but it took me a split second to decide. I’d wanted to run, and run I would. I wouldn’t be alone. I wouldn’t have company, I would have competition. I’d race the sun, to the shores each evening; I’d race to be the one out first at dawn.

The first couple of days passed by with my eyes set on the sun alone. All that mattered to me then, was winning. My days ended at the top of hills along my way, where I sat watching the sun go down. I’d stay at the hill tops long after the sun had disappeared behind the hills in the distance, covering behind the clouds. Coward, I’d said. When I turned around, it was dark again, but when I looked up, a couple of days later, there was the faintest sliver of white- the moon was starting to show again.

I was driving along a road that seemed to have no beginning or end, with just plain unused land all around me, no hint of civilization around for as far as I could see. Soon after I passed a fork, in the road, I looked into the rearview mirror and found a dog following my car. I ignored it as just another dog chasing behind a car, but five minutes later it was still there. It looked like it had slowed down a bit, but it still continued to run. I stopped the car, waiting to see what it would do. I expected it to sniff around for a bit before heading back, but it just came and stopped by my door. It looked at me once, and then it just sort of made up its mind to be my designated companion for the ride. I opened the door to let it in, and after getting in with one pounce, it primly shuffled around in the seat till his head was hanging out. So much for company!

The next couple of days were spent along with my silent companion, and I was happier for it. I’d never had a pet, and thus, never appreciated the comfort or quiet assurance a person cannot provide at times. The Dog (I refused to name it) knew just how to be. We were two souls, in no hurry to get anywhere once the sun had set. My soul was starting to warm up, and the sky lighten a little bit more each night, with the moon showing itself a little more each day. Funny to think I’d never even have noticed it back home. ‘Back home’… I was surprised I could still call it that.

Finally one day, I reached the end of all the land I’d ever known. I finally got to see where the sun went to hide its head under the sand till the next day. Well, maybe a little beyond the sand, to the surf, and a little beyond that. Water, for as far as I could see, nothing more, nothing less, and the sun, sinking low beneath it. Long after the sun was gone, the Dog and I sat by the sea, watching the last few birds make their way back home. Watching little boats, heading back to shore, filled to capacity with fish (I’d have to find one of those for dinner later), fisherman gaily calling out to each other, happy talk about their lucky catch for the day, and anticipation of going home to a warm home-cooked meal. I sat until it was all dark, maybe I had dozed off for a bit, lost in the silence except for the waves crashing till the Dog’s bark woke me. The water had just about reached us, it was time to head back, he seemed to say as he ran away.

I ran after it. I had no name to call out for, just blindly followed the barks in the dark. I slowed down when it got a little lighter, we’d reached some sort of little settlement, and the sights and sounds (ands smell) told me it was a fishermen’s village. The Dog’s barking got louder, and I picked up pace, only to find it jumping around in abandon with little kids who took turns running away and rolling around in the sand with it. The sight stilled me. What wouldn’t I give for such abandon, and no worries! The Dog sensed I was there, and came up to me, almost dragging and pushing me towards the kids who hesitated no more than a minute to accept me considering I was with the Dog. That’s how the Dog earned us our first warm home cooked meal in days.

And of course, then I had to leave. As a token of my gratitude for the free meal and shelter for the night, I offered the fisherman a drop to some place if he wanted to go. No sooner than I had spoken, than my car was filled with people. Men and women who had work in the nearby town, and kids who had no work, but wouldn’t miss a car ride with a Dog. I worried a little for all my stuff that was getting cramped up, and my guitar that the kids seemed to find a little amusing, but the ride to the town was unlike any other. The elders kept me busy with their talk, and even though I barely got a word in, it was the most I’d spoken, except with the Dog. We got to the market and the grownups decided I could be left with the kids to watch over them for a while, and we spent a few hours, Dog and I, entertaining them. I even played some music for them, and that made me realize how much I’d missed it! The familiar sting of the strings beneath my fingers- sweet pain!

Dog decided that would be our mode of travel for the rest of my journey. Hed decide who our company for the day would be and I’d exchange free rides, and some time of human company for a free ride to some place, or a free song on my guitar.

Just as suddenly the Dog decided to join me, it decided to abandon me. So much for being man’s best friend huh! We were atop one of the hills closer to home again, and I was busy looking around the place. Unlike the past few days, I had no one for company. I didn’t realize when the Dog stealthily got away. I waited, a long time, for it to show up, but it didn’t. And I knew, that it wouldn’t, no matter how long I’d waited. Maybe it had found someone else who needed the company more than me. As I lay down to sleep, I realized that I’d be home the next night.

I woke up to a faint drizzle, and keeping in mind that it was my last day of journeying, and since the Dog was no longer by my side, I decided to journey alone. Familiar roads now, familiar sights, I’d been here a lot of times even when I wasn’t running away. The air seemed to get familiar too. I made no stops, paid no heed to my craving stomach, and finally as it got dark, I turned onto the final road that would lead me Home. The beauty of my city is that, no matter how long you’ve been away, you’ll always know when you’re back. Back again driving over the sea, this time I was driving in the same direction as everyone else, though I did spot the few that were running away.

I was home. Maybe not forever, maybe I’d only returned to say goodbye. Maybe I’d set out again, soon, looking for something I don’t know that I’m looking for. Maybe I’ll always leave, only to return. Because, and I’m ready to accept it, no place will ever be home, but the best of us need to get out of it sometime.

As soon as I got out of my car, I heard a cloud burst, and huge drops of the rain that had been threatening me all day, poured over me. I let it all sink in, let the water drench me to my bones, stretched out my hands, with my eyes closed, leaving all my senses open to just feeling the rain. As I opened my eyes and looked up at the sky, I noticed the moon. A full moon. Bright and shining, but alone.

Alone. Not lonely.

Song Recommendation: 'Full Moon' by the Black Ghosts

Note: If you're read it all, thanks. A little long, but it had months of venting cramped in it, and i couldn't bring myself to edit any part of it. Will try again in a more stable frame of mind, if ever :)