Rain and Reminiscence

Note: I should just state that i can't really do short posts :)

I rushed out of office, afraid I was gonna be very late for my girls-night-out and face the wrath of five angry, possibly drunk women. I’d rushed through the entire day, buried to my nose in work, with barely a break for lunch, so I wouldn’t be late. It’d been ages since we’d caught up, and tonight was a BIG reason to celebrate. I couldn’t wait to get out of office all day.

Damn! Just as I stepped out, it started to pour. Like, not a drizzle pour, not even vertical-columns-of-water pour, but the fierce-breezy-huge-big-drops-that-can-hurt-you-and-your-umbrella-doesn’t-stand-a-chance pour. Don’t get me wrong, I love the rains, I love getting drenched. Most days I gladly pretend umbrellas aren’t invented and give spaced-out looks (imagine ET saying ‘El-li-ot’) to the people on the streets who give me weird looks for this. But some days, a girl just wants to get home dry, so she can zap into clothes and mood appropriate for the party ahead. Drenched-to-the-bone was not a look I needed tonight. I wrestled open my umbrella (mutual dislike and all that) and then wrestled with it against the wind and the rain, honestly, cyclone anyone? The rain refused to let up. I refused to let down my umbrella, even though it squeaked and creaked (being so rarely used) and even threw a mighty tantrum and flipped over. No sirree, I was not giving up.

I stepped out beyond the huge gates (they call it a workplace, but if you ask me they’re secretly building a fortress to create and harbor zombies) into a pool of slush. Now this I definitely hated. My attempts to hail a cab seemed futile as I stubbornly simultaneously struggled to keep the umbrella overhead, and wade through ankle deep slush to any cab I could set my eyes on, even risking my life to step right in front of them, but to no avail. As always, cabs in this city were headed to some secret magical land, that us commuters never got to go to. As the hands on my watch started moving closer to ‘mortal peril’, I decided I had no option but to try and wade through more slush.

I set off in search of dryer land, but it seemed like it was almost time for the apocalypse and the city was drowning. I was probably imagining myself stuck and swinging between heaven and hell when I died, so much so, that I didn’t notice that the water had almost reached my knees now. I was seriously kidding about the city drowning! Could such a thing really happen? I stopped, right in the middle of the river that used to be an arterial road in the city, for a reality check. I could turn back, and head back to office, but really, swinging between heaven and hell through eternity seemed like a better option. I could move forward, and I could see that the water levels only seemed to rise ahead – Nah! Or I could wait here, right where I was, risk hypothermia, leptospirosis, pneumonia, at the very least, wrinkled skin like after you take a long bath. But did I really have an option?

I sighed heavenwards. I wished God would one day realize I wasn’t really competing with him. Maybe he got the sign, because just then, I noticed a bylane. I hadn’t used it earlier, since there were several constructions going on along that road, and now the offices there contributed to the exponential influx of traffic along this river/road. It seemed dryer, at least I wouldn’t have to worry about whether or not the thing that brushed my leg underwater was a twig or a snake or a rat or the aliens that were trying to invade the earth (more cooler than thinking about the apocalypse).

I waded my way through. Shook off the excess water from my shoes. Came very close to shaking myself like a dog, but it hadn’t stopped raining yet. Thankfully, I was more in control of my umbrella. I took out my phone to check for messages and/or last minute cancellation calls. None. I didn’t even have reception. Excuse me, but I thought I lived in a connected city. The lane was more or less empty. I got that feeling. Like in those horror movies, where the girl walks down the dark alley all by herself. But I put it aside as one more of my hyperactive thoughts this evening. All that coffee I had throughout the day to keep me going, was still keeping me going apparently. As I walked on, I saw more people walking along this lane, bordering on crowded. One of the things I’ve loved about rain is how it quietens everything else. All you can hear is the rain.

As I made my way through the river of people now, I spotted him, at a distance. I’d almost missed him, but in keeping with the movie-like feeling I had, I did a double take, and it was him. There was no mistaking his crazy hair, or his jacket (would he ever get a new one?). I waited for that weird reaction I always got when I used to see him, the fictional butterflies in the stomach, and the skipping of exactly one heart beat and the ten others that followed, making you painfully aware you had a heart and it needed oxygen. But it didn’t come. Was it not him or was I not staring hard enough? He turned around a bit later, and it was him. That lopsided grin, that laughter I almost could hear. I waited for the other emotions to settle in. The hurt, the anger, the pain – the pain always lasted the longest. Maybe because it was the amalgamation of the other two. Maybe because my head wanted to separate the other two, but no matter what I did, it always ended up, in pain.

My mind reeled back to those days, when I swung like crazy between the hurt and the anger. I remembered each of it vividly, but that was it. Just the memories. Not the emotions. "The saddest thing about love, is that not only the love cannot last forever, but even the heartbreak is soon forgotten." The lack of emotion worried me. A little. I didn’t have that feeling anymore when I used to dread each morning, when I was surrounded my overbearing reminders of him all around, when I wondered how I could possibly ever feel happy again. When had it stopped? It’s a shame I don’t remember the first time I smiled after that, but I am sure it had to do with the afore mentioned friends. Right. I needed to get to them. Still no reception. Ah! A few more seconds of staring never killed anyone. I wish I could get close enough to see those eyes. And yet, a part of me worried, that all those emotions were just pretending to be in control. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here, they seemed to tell me. Maybe it was me, but I could make out a bit of his tattoo peeking out from beneath his collar. The design used to be something that only I knew about. I wondered who else was in on the secret. I waited for the jealousy to set it. The insecurity. The fear. Nope. Still nothing.

By now, I was sure, I did look like a spaced out zombie, standing in the middle of a road, staring at a guy like a lovesick idiot. Except that I didn’t feel like one. I felt... nothing. And then I felt a little sad about feeling nothing. And then I felt a little angry for feeling sad about feeling nothing. I moved ahead, accepting the inevitable. I watched carefully his expressions change as he saw me, recognition dawned, his face broke into a smile and we exchanged greeting more apt for old friends meeting up. There- were all the reasons I’d loved him. And still… nothing. In keeping with the movie-like sequence, the rain picked up again, as did the breeze, and my poor old faithful umbrella (blue with snoopy on it) gave up with one final squeak, and some rattling of spokes, and flipped over for the last time. It had lived its largely unused life quite well. And I really wasn’t someone to cover when it rained. My phone also buzzed with a few messages then, all about my friends being stuck in places, and we would have to catch up another day. Usually it bummed me out when that happened, but I would catch up, and we’d have an even bigger reason to celebrate.

The rain seemed to catch up and it only seemed wise to get out of it for a bit. We headed to one of those coffee joints we used to frequent (and I’d refused to step in one after that) for some long time catching up with another… friend. The last thought on my mind was. Has it been a year already? Has it really been that long?

"I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded; not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night."

—    Khaled Hosseini (The Kite Runner)

Song Recommendation: ‘Echoes’ by Pink Floyd

~

Note: Phew! And this one pretty much wrote itself. Definitely not what I had thought of when I started with it. What I had thought of was just the ending bit. but now it seems sorta out of place for me. I don't know yet if I should edit it out... it stays till I can decide.

Also inspired by the ‘flood’ in Bombay on 26-Jul-2005. An experience like no other, truly!

The friends mentioned in the post should understand ;)

Imploding

Similarities bore.
Differences frustrate.

I think it’s time I moved on.
I’ve stared at this rock long enough, waiting for it to show me the face of God.

It ain’t gonna happen.



OK, somebody help me move!!!



`

Full Moon

Note: And, I'm back :) This will explain why I've been missing.

They say it is darkest before dawn but it’s darker when it’s a sky with no moon, and you have a darker soul. The roads were lit with the dull yellow streetlights, but the shadows they cast seemed as lifeless as the lights themselves. That night, I felt like a stranger in my own city. I felt as though the city was trying to alienate me as much I was trying to get away from it. I sped through the empty roads, occasionally driving past a vehicle headed towards what I was getting away from. Always towards. Never away. It seemed, literally and figuratively, I was alone in my journey.

Alone, never lonely. I’d always defined myself that way. But then, the world of difference between the two terms, seemed not to exist. It was just me, with all my material possessions that mattered to me the most, speeding out, getting away. As I drove over the sea, the air that quite uniquely belonged to just my city, seemed to suffocate me. As soon as I crossed the city limits, I looked back, without knowing what I was looking back for. I’d thought it was relief, but maybe I was wrong. The tension within me seemed to lift, with the sun that was rising along the horizon. My destination till then was undecided, but it took me a split second to decide. I’d wanted to run, and run I would. I wouldn’t be alone. I wouldn’t have company, I would have competition. I’d race the sun, to the shores each evening; I’d race to be the one out first at dawn.

The first couple of days passed by with my eyes set on the sun alone. All that mattered to me then, was winning. My days ended at the top of hills along my way, where I sat watching the sun go down. I’d stay at the hill tops long after the sun had disappeared behind the hills in the distance, covering behind the clouds. Coward, I’d said. When I turned around, it was dark again, but when I looked up, a couple of days later, there was the faintest sliver of white- the moon was starting to show again.

I was driving along a road that seemed to have no beginning or end, with just plain unused land all around me, no hint of civilization around for as far as I could see. Soon after I passed a fork, in the road, I looked into the rearview mirror and found a dog following my car. I ignored it as just another dog chasing behind a car, but five minutes later it was still there. It looked like it had slowed down a bit, but it still continued to run. I stopped the car, waiting to see what it would do. I expected it to sniff around for a bit before heading back, but it just came and stopped by my door. It looked at me once, and then it just sort of made up its mind to be my designated companion for the ride. I opened the door to let it in, and after getting in with one pounce, it primly shuffled around in the seat till his head was hanging out. So much for company!

The next couple of days were spent along with my silent companion, and I was happier for it. I’d never had a pet, and thus, never appreciated the comfort or quiet assurance a person cannot provide at times. The Dog (I refused to name it) knew just how to be. We were two souls, in no hurry to get anywhere once the sun had set. My soul was starting to warm up, and the sky lighten a little bit more each night, with the moon showing itself a little more each day. Funny to think I’d never even have noticed it back home. ‘Back home’… I was surprised I could still call it that.

Finally one day, I reached the end of all the land I’d ever known. I finally got to see where the sun went to hide its head under the sand till the next day. Well, maybe a little beyond the sand, to the surf, and a little beyond that. Water, for as far as I could see, nothing more, nothing less, and the sun, sinking low beneath it. Long after the sun was gone, the Dog and I sat by the sea, watching the last few birds make their way back home. Watching little boats, heading back to shore, filled to capacity with fish (I’d have to find one of those for dinner later), fisherman gaily calling out to each other, happy talk about their lucky catch for the day, and anticipation of going home to a warm home-cooked meal. I sat until it was all dark, maybe I had dozed off for a bit, lost in the silence except for the waves crashing till the Dog’s bark woke me. The water had just about reached us, it was time to head back, he seemed to say as he ran away.

I ran after it. I had no name to call out for, just blindly followed the barks in the dark. I slowed down when it got a little lighter, we’d reached some sort of little settlement, and the sights and sounds (ands smell) told me it was a fishermen’s village. The Dog’s barking got louder, and I picked up pace, only to find it jumping around in abandon with little kids who took turns running away and rolling around in the sand with it. The sight stilled me. What wouldn’t I give for such abandon, and no worries! The Dog sensed I was there, and came up to me, almost dragging and pushing me towards the kids who hesitated no more than a minute to accept me considering I was with the Dog. That’s how the Dog earned us our first warm home cooked meal in days.

And of course, then I had to leave. As a token of my gratitude for the free meal and shelter for the night, I offered the fisherman a drop to some place if he wanted to go. No sooner than I had spoken, than my car was filled with people. Men and women who had work in the nearby town, and kids who had no work, but wouldn’t miss a car ride with a Dog. I worried a little for all my stuff that was getting cramped up, and my guitar that the kids seemed to find a little amusing, but the ride to the town was unlike any other. The elders kept me busy with their talk, and even though I barely got a word in, it was the most I’d spoken, except with the Dog. We got to the market and the grownups decided I could be left with the kids to watch over them for a while, and we spent a few hours, Dog and I, entertaining them. I even played some music for them, and that made me realize how much I’d missed it! The familiar sting of the strings beneath my fingers- sweet pain!

Dog decided that would be our mode of travel for the rest of my journey. Hed decide who our company for the day would be and I’d exchange free rides, and some time of human company for a free ride to some place, or a free song on my guitar.

Just as suddenly the Dog decided to join me, it decided to abandon me. So much for being man’s best friend huh! We were atop one of the hills closer to home again, and I was busy looking around the place. Unlike the past few days, I had no one for company. I didn’t realize when the Dog stealthily got away. I waited, a long time, for it to show up, but it didn’t. And I knew, that it wouldn’t, no matter how long I’d waited. Maybe it had found someone else who needed the company more than me. As I lay down to sleep, I realized that I’d be home the next night.

I woke up to a faint drizzle, and keeping in mind that it was my last day of journeying, and since the Dog was no longer by my side, I decided to journey alone. Familiar roads now, familiar sights, I’d been here a lot of times even when I wasn’t running away. The air seemed to get familiar too. I made no stops, paid no heed to my craving stomach, and finally as it got dark, I turned onto the final road that would lead me Home. The beauty of my city is that, no matter how long you’ve been away, you’ll always know when you’re back. Back again driving over the sea, this time I was driving in the same direction as everyone else, though I did spot the few that were running away.

I was home. Maybe not forever, maybe I’d only returned to say goodbye. Maybe I’d set out again, soon, looking for something I don’t know that I’m looking for. Maybe I’ll always leave, only to return. Because, and I’m ready to accept it, no place will ever be home, but the best of us need to get out of it sometime.

As soon as I got out of my car, I heard a cloud burst, and huge drops of the rain that had been threatening me all day, poured over me. I let it all sink in, let the water drench me to my bones, stretched out my hands, with my eyes closed, leaving all my senses open to just feeling the rain. As I opened my eyes and looked up at the sky, I noticed the moon. A full moon. Bright and shining, but alone.

Alone. Not lonely.

Song Recommendation: 'Full Moon' by the Black Ghosts

Note: If you're read it all, thanks. A little long, but it had months of venting cramped in it, and i couldn't bring myself to edit any part of it. Will try again in a more stable frame of mind, if ever :)