From Dusk to Dawn

I start at the end
I start by bidding people goodbye, and yet it isn’t me that’s leaving,
I’ve only just begun.

The number of people around me dwindles, even those separated through several time zones leave, 
One IM window at a time, till there are none.

A silence of the sort I’m unaccustomed to settles around me, deep enough to hear my thoughts,
Disrupted only by frantic keyboard clicks with which I attend to pressing matters at hand.

The luxuriously slow pace with which everything seems to move, lends an illusion of true disconnect from the world,
The only thing changing; the reflection of the glaring light from the screen

Occasionally, seemingly when my solitary existence gets too much to handle, I hear a beep, of an incoming mail,
that (stupidly) startles and amazes me – ‘I am not alone. There is someone else out there’


The momentary excitement is just that, but it’s something to get me through the next hour, maybe longer.
Phone calls are too much for my sleep addled brain to handle, even though it is one more contact to a world that seems so far away


As time passes by, I realize what a fictitious world I’ve made up in my mind
The sun does not rise as early as I imagined it would
There isn’t a way to tell by looking out the window if it’s a new day or midnight


If it weren’t for a clock, id easily believe I was stuck in time
Or if I let my imagination go wild, that I was moving at a supersonic speed, and everything around me was frozen in limbo.


Finally it’s time,
Sleep has successfully evaded me all night, and as I lay in bed soaking now in complete darkness and quiet, 
I start to think maybe sleep has left me entirely


Another stupid notion I’ve imagined I realize, as my mind moves to the unrealistic subconscious thoughts that can only qualify the start of a... good morning’s sleep :)

The Memory Remains

Deviating from the normal here - the following is neither a story nor an attempt at poetry. It is merely me recounting a memory I hope to have with me for years to come. (in a very long, very personal post)

It happens with the best bands. It happens with the best songs. It happened with Metallica. I don’t remember the first song I heard by them, but I know the first song that changed me – The Unforgiven. Over the years, I fell in love with more and more songs by them, I fell in love with the band themselves, and their stories. It raised a want within – the want to see them perform live. A few months ago, the rumours started – Metallica would be visiting India. There was hope, that fizzled when the rumours got more concrete, about Metallica visiting India, but in Gurgaon. That wasn’t an option. Then came the news – Bangalore too. Did I dare hope? Would I ever be able to see my dream come true? When confronted with a dilemma about a choice one has to make – there is only one thing to do. Stop thinking. I had a friend book the concert tickets for me, had the tickets booked a couple of months in advance, but I refused to think about it. I didn’t want to jinx it.

After months of waiting that I refused to acknowledge, the day was finally here. I would be leaving to watch the Gods of music, perform LIVE. There was a little nervousness, a little anxiety I felt all day that I couldn’t place, like something was about to go very wrong. It was mostly nervous excitement, but just before I left office I heard the news – the Gurgaon concert was cancelled. No wait, postponed. No wait, cancelled. So no one was sure. We started the train journey with uncertainty writ all over it. To add to it, tickets that should have been confirmed, weren’t. That left three of us, sharing a berth, sitting uncomfortably through the night, with me wondering – is this jinxed, or would we be third time lucky? After a long tiring journey, (for the nth time, Bombay-Bangalore needs a faster route by train), we reached our destination. And it was raining. Rain has always meant well for me. It was also a lot cooler than it is in Bombay this time of the year. The next day arrived, with overcast skies. Would it rain over the concert? I didn’t care if it flooded the city, as long as the concert happened. 

The pass said, ‘Gates open at 3’. But news was that people had been camping outside overnight. I reached the venue close to 3, where I was supposed to meet my friends. The queue seemed to stretch along the perimeter of the ground. A line of people in black, almost all in Metallica t-shirts, waiting patiently while the sun played hide and seek. I managed to bypass the crowd and get into the venue and met my friends. There were distinctly 3 groups of people I expected to be around. 2 of them had guys. So, just before we decided to make our way into the ground – there we were – 4 girls.

A little to be said about the management. Imagine a huge rectangle filled with people, with just 1 bit of a corner open, to let one person out at a time- that’s how they planned to let us in. Not very confidence-inspiring for us girls to be in a crowd full of testosterone fuelled metal heads. But we bravely made our way through, me fighting my claustrophobia- counting the number of steps we could move ahead, every few minutes – a grand total of 2. To add to it, guys around us were lighting up like chimneys. 6 steps inside – with stale air and cigarette smoke around, things didn’t look very promising for me. Just then there was some chaos at one end of the crowd, and we were pushed to a side. With mighty effort, our own and the guys around us, we managed to not be crushed. I looked behind for an escape route – there was none. Luckily, there was a small road-divider just besides the ‘wall’ we were against, and I got up on it, balanced precariously till the end of the rectangle. Finally, we were in. But wait, there were more queues to be stood in. Luckily these moved fast enough, and we also got a chance to have a couple of bites – all that we would eat all day that day.

Past that queue, we were finally IN. Rushing as ahead as we could. In the queues, they wrote the sections we were supposed to be in on our hands. Ours read ‘L6’, which happened to be the third section from the front. But no one seemed to be entering that, and seemed to be entering the section in front of that. We got into that one too. Then we noticed our magic entrance to the front. The section right in front was open and people were rushing into it. So did we. It felt good to be this close to the stage. They also stopped letting in people after a while, which meant we had lots of space to ourselves. We felt like royalty. By the time we were there, Inner Sanctum was done with their bit and Guillotine was on stage. Being a Delhi band, they were suitably boo-ed. But they managed to keep a straight face, and did their bit. Then there was a long wait while Biffy Clyro set up. Most of us sat down, saving up our energy for the main event. This was a band I didn’t know about till before I knew they were opening for Metallica. The last couple of songs they played were good, and it also rained while they were performing. It added to the atmosphere loads. Once they were done, was the long- almost insufferable- wait for Metallica to get on stage and get started. By this time, our spacious section was filling up with more and more people by the second. Also, because it had rained, there was less ground and more slush around, so the question of sitting down again was out.

The crowd was getting increasingly impatient and exponentially bigger. It had started to get darker, and the colour that ruled now was definitely black. At close to 8, the magic started. The lights went out, the traditional AC/DC track playing loudly, and then there were four- on stage.

The crowd went crazy. They started with ‘Creeping Death’ and as one the crowd rose. Singing, cheering, jumping, raising their hands in the respectful sign of the horns. You could feel the energy spreading through the crowd in waves. Suddenly all the space, lessening as it was, around us was taken up by more and more people. With each song that they played, moving onto for whom the bell tolls, fuel, the crowd seemed to get more energized, more enthusiastic, and chanting along the lyrics with no less conviction than believers at a prayer meet. I loved James Hetfeild talking to the crowd in between songs, loved watching the crowd hanging on desperately to every word, cheering, being taken in by the music.

While the entire duration of the show had everyone singing along, head banging (violently at times, I had hair-whiplash marks on the back of my neck the next day :-P), and going hoarse cheering, and fingers frozen in the sign of the horn, a few songs stood out:

1. The crowd, swaying as one, cell phones raised high, to nothing else matters. Being the only non-heavy-metal track they played that night, it was the only few moments with everyone just singing along, feeling the magic that the song creates, every time I hear it. And going by everyone around me, I’m guessing it’s the same for everyone else there too.
2. My favorite Metallica concert song of all times: master of puppets. One of their most energized, crowd, designed to drive crowds crazy everywhere, and every single person yelling back ‘master’ at Hetfield with total conviction. He never comes across as less than a ‘master of puppets’ in this one.
3. Undoubtedly, something that everyone there will remember – the memory remains. The band started the song, crowds went crazy, and when they got to the na-na-na part of the songs, there was just no stopping us. Even when the part of the song was done, the crowd kept on humming it, and the band had to wait before continuing. Lars, kept cheering the crowd on while James just seemed amused. Everyone broke into applause at the end of it, Metallica got the stage back to themselves, finished the song, and James ended it with ‘You are beautiful, Bangalore!’.
4. The pyrotechnics during ‘Fuel’ and ‘Enter Sandman’. I know it’s not uncommon for a concert, but it always makes me fall a little more in love with Hetfield.

The band also did their bit of drama, pretending to leave the stage. But everyone who is a true blue Metallica fan knows that they never leave their concerts, without a) a cover song, and b) introducing themselves. Fans waited impatiently for them to come back on. They played ‘Am I Evil’, and the crowd, having re-energized themselves in the previous couple of minutes, was BACK! James did some more drama with putting his guitar on (everyone cheered), taking it off (everyone boo-ed) a few times. One guy behind me yelled loudly, ‘yeh humko fuck raha hai’. Then they got on to play ‘Battery’ and just when it seemed it would really be the end (the crowd did not want it to end, and even though exhaustion and claustrophobia was finally catching up with me, I did not want it to end either), James announced their final song for the night, in ‘three simple words’. He did not need to tell us what they were, because once again, in unison, everyone yelled back at him… ‘Seek and Destroy’. Absolute mania.

Then the part that makes Metallica, Metallica. They each came on stage to say their good byes:

James Hetfield announcing once again that Metallica loved Bangalore, asking how it felt to be alive in India, that they had waited for a long time for this, but most importantly, that it changed his life. Mine too – I screamed, with 40000 others. Robert Trujillo, was the one to watch out for throughout the show. Being on the bass guitar, he pranced around the stage, and we got to see the most of him right in front of us, less than 10 feet away. You have to love watching him play with James, love his spider meets crab way of going real low on his guitar and prancing around. Towards the end, he spun round and round on stage his guitar, slung around his neck, swinging around in an outer circle to his own spinning. On the mike, he – growled, once, twice, thrice, and the crow growled right back. But Lars, my favorite drummer said the words the crowd was dying for – ‘Is it just me that thinks Metallica should come back to India?’ I’d like to think I was the first to scream back, ‘yes you should!’ For the millionth time that night, the crowd went berserk, and Lars promised that they would make it happen. I hope they keep that promise, but even if they don’t that night was more than I could ever have asked for. Finally they each walked across the stage, throwing around picks (a whole lot of them, and I didn’t even get one :-() almost causing a stampede, and Lars even gave away his drumsticks. They took their final bows, one arm around the other and the other raised high. The crowd saluted them back the same way, and it was the end of a truly magical night.

I’ve already mentioned before that the crowd around was awesome too, truly there for the music. Considering the crowd was almost all male, there was pushing and shoving and aggression, but there was no stampede and except for the occasional headbutts due to all the headbanging, no one was hurt. I remember, sometime in between, a couple of girls managed to squeeze their way to right behind where we were starting, and asked, all pretty, if they could go further ahead. You’ll know what I meant when I say the crowd there was all for the music; because the boys they asked, replied back with ‘absolutely not’ and went back to enjoying the music. The cops forming the human chain keeping us further away from the barricade were mighty sweet too. They never pushed back till everyone was right at the barricade, and then too, they were as polite as they could be. In fact when James came to the part of the stage we were standing right in front of, the guards even let a  few of us go right up to the barricade. Another big fat cop came right after and pushed us back into the crowd, but for what it was worth, we were right there! They even passed out water occasionally, and when you’ve been on your feet, jumping around screaming your head off, you know what a boon that is. We overheard a couple of cops cribbing about the ‘kind’ of music and wondering how people enjoyed it, but for all their ignorance, kudos to them for a job well done. There were a couple of slightly older men that I noticed in the crowd too, enjoying the music like they had attained nirvana. I can only imagine what it must have been like for them, having waited most of their lives to watch legends from their younger years playing live in front of them – a dream come true, am sure. Then there was this guy who had got along his younger brother, all of a ripe age of 14. I loved how big-brotherly he seemed, am sure he had gotten a huge list of to-dos from his family, but he kept watching out for his little brother, making sure he was still standing in the crowd, ensuring he had pulled his jacket over his head when it started to rain, and also trying to keep him right in the front, to get an unobstructed view. When Metallica came on, and the crowd went crazy, they got separated for a bit, and he was constantly seeking him out in the crowd. Towards the end, I saw him lift his kid brother high, sp he had the perfect view. I am sure the kid must have gone back to school being the coolest kid of his age.

There was some chaos getting out of the grounds again, thanks to the mis-management, just not enough space for everyone to get out quickly enough. People got impatient and brought down one of those cloth partitions blocking the exit. The exhaustion, the noise, the smoke had finally caught up. By the time we got out onto the road, our group of 4 that had somehow managed to be together during the concert, had separated. i told my friend who was with me, to find the others and meet me across the road, where I headed to sit down on the footpath to overcome the nauseating feeling creeping over me. I wasn’t the only one, the road was full of people sitting down  anywhere they could find, also trying to find the rest of their groups, and getting back some of their energy. I don’t know if it was planned to be so, but there were no active mobile networks in the area, adding to the chaos. We had a tough time locating the cab we had booked for us, and then a tough time finding a place to eat, considering everything shuts down in Bangalore, super early, before we finally made it back to our room. Everyone else crashed almost immediately, but I still had some of that adrenaline rush left over, and stayed up late into the night, reliving the moments.

Because we crashed with barely talking after the concert, the next day, or afternoon, by the time everyone woke up was all about reliving the night – through the blurred pics and videos on our phones, and hunting through TV channels for news about the concert, and letting it sink in – I WENT FOR A METALLICA CONCERT!

Things seem different after this concert. I feel different. I take music seriously. I judge people by the music they listen to. I’ve believed in the healing power music has. I’ve believed it is a religion, and I got to see the gods I follow, so I know it isn’t blind faith. I’ve seen the power of music, the power it has to change someone, the power to teach, the power to bring someone together. This concert has strengthened all of these convictions, and even though there are a couple of more months to go before this year ends, it has been the perfect way to end a year that has brought about significant changes in me. A year where I’ve decided and strived to put myself first, where I’ve made an effort to venture out of my comfort zone and into territories I wouldn’t imagine considering before. Most importantly, a year where I’ve been the reason for my happiness, and found that I am truly my best friend. This concert helped me realize all of this. Most people won’t understand this feeling. Most people don’t even get why I had to be at the concert, or why I feel the elation from it. Am sure, normal routine will take over and this feeling will wilt with time, and in time all of this will purely be a memory. Am sure there will be times when I will be happier than I can even imagine now, and times when I will not be sure if I can face the day. But if I can remember what I felt like during those two hours, and now, just the memories will suffice then.

So I don’t know about you, but IT CHANGED MY LIFE.

Song recommendations: http://www.metallica.com/tour/oct-30-2011-bangalore.asp

Pics: http://www.metallica.com/photo-gallery/oct-30-2011-bangalore-gallery.asp

Happy Birthday to me :)

A wise man once told me, “You can claim to live by your own rules, all you want, but the real challenge is in going out of your own comfort zone, not others’”. So there I was, fidgeting about, waiting for the clock to strike ‘nerves hour’, asking myself to ‘Stop it!’ - and back to step one. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and barley had time to register my change in expression to mocking laughter, before I was back at uncertainty, just as I heard the doorbell go off. “Well”, I said to myself, “This is as good as it’s gonna get” and headed out.

Being greeted with that familiar warm smile helped the nerves some.

“Door, huh? Nice touch. I expected a car honk.”

“I wanted to do this right”

“So are my flowers in the car?”

“Nah, even I couldn’t get away with that”

We headed to a nice restaurant and over a leisurely, wonderful meal (and dessert that gave me a peek onto what heaven might feel like), we ate, laughed and talked. It was nothing new, and yet nothing that we had ever done before. In contrast to my nerves earlier, I was starting to wonder now, Why hadn’t we don’t this before? But there’d be time for that later. I would obviously be spending a lot of time going over tonight in my mind; for now, I wanted to merely enjoy the moment and build up on memories.

Far too soon, in my opinion, we were done with dinner and walking back towards the car. And even with the contended sigh that I got into the car with, I almost wished we weren’t here already. Registering who I was with, I realized I could actually say it out loud and I did.

“I thought you’d never ask” he smiled. “If it’s not too late, we could walk”.

When we stopped at a beach, I couldn’t help but smile. You could leave some things to fate, but knowing for sure what someone would like, comes with familiarity over time. And I was loving all the attention to detail. It was past the time tourists thronged the place, even past the time the creepies decided to take a walk. Now, there were just a few people around, minding their own business, enjoying the peace and quiet. After a few minutes of walking in comfortable silence, I felt his hand reach mine.

“Did you have fun tonight?”

“Yes, I did”

“I thought so; you can’t seem to shake that smile off your face.”

“Neither can you”

I had to ask what had been on my mind for along time now. “Why now?”

“Why anything, you know? Maybe because I just found the guts to ask you now. Mostly because it felt right, now. Any other time, might not have gone well, with either of us”

I knew what he was talking about. “Maybe it would have been better”

“No, I think we needed that stuff. We might be more cautious now. But that will make us value this more. I know that’s how it is for me”

“I’m not sure. I don’t…”

“That’s fine. I’ve been here a little longer than you have. I don’t mind waiting for you to catch up. Just as long as you don’t try to needlessly complicate this into something that it isn’t”

“What is on your mind”, he asked, and I realized I had been quiet for the past few minutes. A few minutes, a lot more steps, faint footprints in the sand, that would be gone with the next slight breeze, or wave that washed over them.

“Just thinking”. Answering his questioning glance, I said “About how well we know each other. And how simple this seems. And I can’t even remember the first time I met you. I normally do”

“Not everything has to be dramatic you know. You don’t have to hate or love a person when you first see them. They don’t have to make gallant efforts to get to the other side of that. Not everyone needs to have a song” I smiled at his last statement.

“That’s right actually. In fact we’ve been almost boring. We didn’t turn into best friends overnight, nor did I try to kill you. No one warned me to stay away from you”.

“No one forced us together either”

“No they didn’t, and yet here we are.”

“I’ve probably never said this, but you are a nice person”

“Nope, never said it before”

”You know what I mean, I don’t want that to change”

“Don’t. Don’t over analyse. Be impulsive. If tonight was fun, just enjoy it. Don’t worry about tomorrow”

A little reassured, we walked on, and even as I debated if our new found relationship could handle it, he said it himself, “that last bit should probably be left for when I am drunk” and we broke into laughter. With that, we were back to ‘normal’.

Just then, it started to rain, drizzles to big drops, to rain. We half ran, half laughed to the car, and as soon as we were locked in, he said, “I know you love it, but I don’t think either of us were dressed to get drenched tonight.” Then, in the light, noticing that we were splattered anyway, I laughed,”The best of both worlds!”

The journey back home, was mostly spent listening to and discussing music. The rain had gotten fiercer and noisier, and as always I was enthralled with the windshield getting covered with water drops, and the wiper swishing it away. Since before I could remember, I could watch this for ages.

Alas, as all things must, the journey ended and I was back behind the door where tonight started. We said our goodbyes, and I waited to see him take off and shut the door. A few minutes later, I was back in front of the same mirror, and this time all I could see was the smile that I still couldn’t shake off.

I heard the phone ring, and rolling my eyes thinking it would be one my friends calling to wish me, I felt the smile grow even wider when I saw who it really was.

“So, what is my song?”

“I thought you’d never ask”

Sometimes, all you need is one chance, to confirm what you've really known all along :-)

Note: To start with, happy birthday to me :-)

24 years, and while the world still hasn’t made much sense to me yet, ringing in a new year this year hasn’t been very scary.

P.S: I meant to title this post, 'Every song is...'

Song Recommendation: None, because I have too many to fit this post in my mind right now. But also because sometimes, you have to “make your own kind of music”

Succumb

Succumb to that voice in your heart, the one that says it’s time,

Succumb to heading towards where that voice leads you,

Succumb to that emotion budding deep in you, the one you know you will find exhilarance in,

Succumb to the feel of the soft, warm grains of sand beneath your feet,

Succumb to the feel of the moistness in the sand, as you walk further, towards that glorious sun in the distance,

Succumb to the nothingness of the precious few moments as you watch it sink, sink, sink,

Succumb, once it’s gone, to feeling the leftover warmth it left behind,

Succumb to closing your eyes and soaking in it,

Succumb also to that slight nip in the air, that proves the voice right,

Succumb to that unique tingle of that first drop making contact with your face,

Succumb to the sights and sounds around you now, as the drops touch you with increasing frequency,

Succumb to stretching your arms wide, ignorant to the world now, just embracing the sky if you could,

Succumb as you now feel the sun’s heat being replaced by the rain’s chill, drenching you,

Succumb to remaining motionless, till you can’t tell if it really is by choice,

Succumb finally, when you hear that amazing sounds of what they claim are clouds clashing, to opening your eyes, to catch that second of a glimpse of a flash of light,

Succumb to etching into memory, what you’ve seen in that flash, water, all around, for all you can see,

Succumb, when the chill reaches your bones, to that smile breaking up on your face,

Succumb, at that moment, to that brilliant warmth that magically radiates from within you outwards, from your bones, to your skin, to the air around you,

Succumb, to your emotions, to the environment, to your thoughts,

Be selfish, and succumb, to yourself…

Note: You might have been able to tell from my previous ‘rain’ posts, the rain, the ocean and I share a very special bond. The picture, was taken safely from the safety of my car, after I was done succumbing(if that’s even a word)….

Though, it’s the first rains that make it mighty special, the next time you think it will, head to your nearest shore :-)

Song recommendation: R.E.M.- I'll take the rain

Scars of War

... And she puts on warpaint,
           so no one can see the scars,

...And she paints a happy smile across her mouth,
         so no one looks into her eyes and realizes she is anything but.

I'm only laughing on the outside / My smile is just skin deep /
If you could see inside I'm really crying / You might join me for a weep
-The Joker 

Friend or Foe

An update after a long hiatus. This should explain it :)

I've made an acquaintance in recent times,

Although you’ve been around since before I learnt rhymes

I scorned at you, put you down as weak

You waited patiently till my times were bleak

I was left with no choice but to turn to you

With time I realized no one could be more true

Hated, I did, to be told what I didn’t want to hear

With you about that, I never had a fear

You made me face what I always knew

Steadily, surely, my faith in you grew

Everyone realized the change you brought in me

I realized I couldn’t return to who I used to be

Yet, of our association I had second thoughts

Many a battle with myself I fought

From a confidante you turned into my only refuge

Only on you, my thoughts I could deluge(?)

Often I tried to run away from you and hide

The harder I tried, the faster I was forced back to your side

Confined in the very fence I put up for my defense

Undecided friend or foe, I call you, Silence

Read somewhere: Boundaries don't keep others out, they fence you in.

Song Recommendation: The Sound of Silence- Simon and Garfunkel

Note: My second poem that rhymes :)

For quite some time have been hearing from a lot of people that I've "become very quiet" (I guess others can't hear the constant babble in my mind). One such comment and a 30 minute ride home at night inspired this.

So I can sort of rhyme now, but I wish I could rhyme in a less kiddish, less funnier way, at least when I'm not writing anything funny :-/