Coming back to Life

A million thoughts in my head,
A mind fuzzed with not enough sleep,
A thousand worries I shouldn’t have
Chaos all around, I’m still in another world

I enter through high arched doors,
Make my way towards the curved stairway
I hear the first faint sounds
A sound that will 'fix' it all
A sound that makes me smile
A sound that makes me forget all that’s wrong

I make my way up the stairs
The sounds getting louder and clearer
The sounds and sight i seek are right around the corner
The stairway lightens up as i climb on
The sound a final turn away
And I head into the shining sun

The thoughts lost,
The mind awakens,
The worries linger no more
And I’m in a world where I belong


Note: Another poem. Is it just me or too many of them here? Still don't think I can write one though.
'The Greatest Game Ever Played' remains a favorite. It rhymed :)

Song Recommendation: Doesn't fit here, but 'The Beautiful Letdown' by Switchfoot is on my mind right now.

The Road (Not) Taken

Somebody tell me what’s wrong
I seem to have lost my way
The urge to get away from a crowd is strong
And alone my far flung thoughts lead me astray


I’m headed down memory lane
Down a boulevard of broken dreams
I have an insight into what might have been
And the bag of choices un-taken is bursting at its seams


Trying to figure out how I got here
The paths so crisscrossed, it’s a maze
I see the paths I almost took, and the ones I did
Smiles await me at the end of the lanes
And not always at the ends of the ones I walked


I wonder what I’d do,
If I could go back and rewrite the past
Would I take on paths un-trodden?
Or would I still be here wondering?


Choices made, shattered dreams, broken promises
Will I ever know where I went wrong?
Maybe if I’d tried harder, held on longer?


Maybe I gave up too soon,
Or maybe, not soon enough?

~

Note: Just scribbles. Wasn't gonna put it up here, but then, I did.

~

Song Recommendation: Too many come to mind, but the line that fits the best:

'The time is gone, the song is over, thought I'd something more to say' -Time

A Momentary Lapse of Reason

Note: Another attempt at fiction after quite some time. Tried to keep it short.

I think relationships can be defined by big moments that don't happen. ...Or by the little ones that do.

I don’t know where I went wrong. I don’t know if it one big thing, or one tiny thing, or several tiny things. I don’t know if the whole thing was wrong in the first place, but I did not see it coming.

I remember the first time I saw you. He and I were going to watch a movie, and you rudely cut into line before us. Then you lit a cigarette and gloriously ignored my coughing.

You turned around with the tickets in hand, and smiled, no laughed at Her, ran up to Her and almost snatching the slushie from Her hand, gulped down the last of it.

A common friend introduced us a few days later. I didn’t realize then it was you. You still don’t know. You gave a customary nod and smile towards me at my introduction, not really taking in any information about me. At the end of the party, I was waiting for Him to pick me up, saying my goodbyes to my friends. You - the party animal - was amongst the last to leave. Again, a cursory nod, and you were off, without a good bye or ‘hope to see you again’

Fate played a cruel game. He and you became friends. Back then, I saw it as being forced into your company. I took it as you trying to steal Him away from me. What with all our ‘dates’ moving from just the two of Us, to including you, and maybe more guys, hanging out at sports bars. I was jealous for the first time, and because of a guy. Not a good feeling.

I’d come home from a week long business trip. I’d been dying to see Him after being away for so long, but to my disappointment, when I got off the plane, He called to say, He was stuck at work with a deadline. Instead, He’d asked you to pick me up. Maybe it was the long flight, but mostly it was you that made me reply, ‘If you can’t come, I’ll make it home myself, I don’t need a stupid driver’. Of course, when I turned around, you were standing right there, after eavesdropping on my not-so-soft-spoken conversation and fake-grinned ‘your chauffeur is here ma’am’.

His birthday was around the corner. I couldn’t think of a good enough gift to get Him. And I wanted it to be special. ‘What do you get a guy who has me?’ I asked. You named a book, which has gone on to become amongst his most favorite books. I hadn’t realized you read. Heck, I hadn’t realized we talked enough, for you to be suggesting gift ideas, and me to be accepting them. It was when He gave me the biggest grin ever when He ripped open the present, that I realized I couldn’t have gotten Him anything better. I turned around to smile thanks at you, but you were too busy stuffing your face with cake.

It’d crept up on me, I’m sure. How else could I not have realized we were becoming friends? The frequency of calls increased, the subjects, moving from just one question to long discussions. When did I start talking to you? When did I start laughing with you? When did you become among the first people to know anything that happened with me? He didn’t mind our friendship. In fact He was glad for it. I’m not of the stone-age mindset, but I wish for once He’d have a tiny problem with it. He didn’t.

Our jobs often took us to different cities. We spent precious little time together. I would miss Him terribly when He wasn’t here with me. Another place, I wouldn’t mind. But here, home didn’t seem home without Him. Phone calls, no matter how long, or detailed, could only comfort so much. You became the one I turned to. I’d often tag along with you and Her. Funny, I never wondered if She felt the same as you did initially, while hanging out with us. She didn’t seem to mind, and She and I got to be friends too. But seeing you with Her, got harder with time. Maybe I misunderstood.

The two of you together, always reminded me of the two of us. If not in how you were, then in how you were not. Mostly the latter. I always thought ours was a grown up mature relationship, and yours most obviously wasn’t. The silly arguments, and the mushy making up, the giggling and the touching, the wanting to know about every second of the other’s life- I thought we were way over that. Again I misunderstood. I openly made jokes about how childish you two were, but I was just being jealous. I was missing Him way too much. But I thought I was too mature to simply call Him ten times a day just to hear his voice.

You sensed something was amiss. You tried your best to cheer me up. It worked, but only when I was with you. When you weren’t around, my mind was even more confused now. Missing Him and you. I should’ve seen it coming at least then but I didn’t. i was just missing Him, and you distracted me. I knew this. Then why?

How did we end up there? How could I have misunderstood so much? How did I end up being so confused. I never stopped loving Him, I never thought any one else could ever take his place. Yet there we were. Watching a movie, one afternoon. Some stupid zombie type movie, none the less. I laughed appropriately at all the bits that were “scary”. I don’t know how it happened. Suddenly I was very aware of the fact that I wasn’t looking at the screen, but watching your expressions change. I smiled when you gaily laughed. I smirked at your disgusted expression during the zombie-eating-human bits.

But what got me back, was when you turned to look at me. First you were still laughing at some scene, then your expression changed to a smirk, wondering what I was thinking, and finally as realization dawned, your face dropped, and your eyes closed in disappointment.

‘This isn’t’

‘I know’

‘He’s my friend’

‘I know’

‘He truly loves you’

‘I love Him too’

‘I love Her’

‘I know’

‘I’m sorry…’

‘No, it’s my fault’

‘I can’t…’

‘I don’t know what I was thinking’

‘This isn’t’

‘I… know’

Song Recommendation: ‘One Slip’ by Pink Floyd

Note: The story is fictional, the idea is not. Maybe I can come up with His and Her part of the story. Kind of feel sorry for them.

Broken

Note: Apparently, I love drama.

I’m a hoarder. I love collecting stuff. Most of all, I love collecting tiny pebbles. I used to have loads of them. Picked up mainly at beaches. Different shapes, different textures, different sizes. Each one, unique. That’s what I liked best about them. I liked them all, but none of them were exactly the same as another.

One day, when the pebbles grew a little larger in number than I could manage with ease, I got a beautiful glass jar to keep them in. With the pebbles all piled up together, the glass jar seemed a pleasant sight to look at, with the different colors within it, reflecting light at different angles. I placed it right where the first rays of the morning sun could hit it, and the first thing I saw each morning when I awoke. And I smiled each time I looked at it. Slowly, but surely the jar began to fill up. More pebbles of more colors, shapes, sizes and textures. Each time, I thought one more wouldn’t fit into it, I’d just shake the jar a bit, and the pebbles within would move, to accommodate the new one.

Then one day, two things happened. I got a new pebble to add to my collection, but before I got to add it to the jar, I found out there were going to be guests coming over. The guests included children, which included a lot of running around, and into things, and my first thought went out to my pebbles. I wasn’t very keen on handing out my pebbles to them yet either. So I took the jar and I placed it on a very high shelf, where none of the little hands could reach for it.

All was well for most of the time, until my worst fears came true, when one of the kids, running amok (why aren’t there leashes for those things? :-P) headed straight for the shelf. In my minds eye, I almost saw it before it happened, but was dumbstruck. In slow-mo I watched the kid run into the shelf, and then bounce off its door and run out of the room, without breaking pace, getting away from the other kids behind him. I stared up where the jar, shaken from its position wobbled a bit, then stilled dangerously onto the edge of its base, before making its journey downwards.

I lunged for it, trying to protect it, but from across the room, my move didn’t do much good. I halted, suddenly, and closed my eyes just when it hit the floor. But I could not shut down the sounds that followed. The glass shattering, the pebbles scattering, the gasps of the people followed by their sudden silence. I opened my eyes, to the blurry (I was NOT gonna cry) mess in front of me. Each precious pebble I’d so carefully sought and guarded, there amongst bits of glass. I tried to salvage a few, but the jar had shattered into so many little pieces, I couldn’t touch a pebble without getting any glass in my fingers. My bloodied fingers finally made me stop, And I resigned to the fact that I could never have those back again.

Walked out this morning/ Don't believe what I saw/ A hundred billion bottles/ Washed up on the shore/ Seems I'm not alone at being alone/ A hundred billion castaways/ Looking for a home - Message in a Bottle by Police

I have that one new pebble that I hadn’t yet added to the jar. Maybe I’ll start over, or maybe I’ll add it to the trash bag with all the others.

Fade to Nothing

I had a dream last night.

I am walking down a road. It is unfamiliar to me, but not unknown. I’d never been down this one before, but the terrain, now that I knew. There’s a little bit of me, that tiny voice that loves the ‘unsafe’. This road has huge warning signs all over it. As I walk along, the person walking besides me (changing every second from person to person, everyone I ever knew and loved) keeps asking me to stop. Keeps telling me it is dangerous. Some try to move me away from it physically, but I somehow find the urge to keep going irresistible. The tiny voice in my head is having the time of its life, egging me on. ‘It will be so much fun. Aren’t you bored of being so nice all the time. Aren’t you just sick of doing what everyone else asks you to do? This one’s the biggest challenge I could find for now. If you conquer this, well, you will be basking in the rewards later, and these people will be your side, applauding you then.’ The voice is crazy with glee, overshadowing everyone else’s, and so I pay heed to it. Ignoring the pleas, ignoring the threats from some of my friends. I keep walking. Slowly, my companion fades. In phases, there is someone suddenly walking besides me, and a few steps later I am all alone. Even the voice in my head has left me. I have no company anymore, and if I have to walk down this road I am all by myself. I look back, once, to see if I should really go back, but there is nothing behind me. Nothing at all, just black emptiness. I look ahead and there is the road stretched out in front of me, flooded with blinding light. There is clearly only one way to go.

I’m walking and with each step I take, the ground behind me vanishes into nothingness. The road seems really easy. Is it really the one I’ve been seeking when I was walking through all the others? I know there is something brilliant waiting for me at the end of this road, but the details elude me. I just know that I have to keep walking, and while I cant wait to reach the end, I don’t want the road to end either. I realize that I’ve begun to run, run really fast, and it is so graceful, so fluid, that I almost shock myself into waking up. As I run along, the landscape keeps changing constantly, but one thing remains constant, the road behind me keeps turning into nothing. If it weren’t for the changing landscape, and the fact that I could feel my body move faster than ever, I would be simply standing in the same place staring out into the light, with nothing behind me. I have an aerial view of myself as I run, and I am the line that divides the road from nothing, as I keep moving, the darkness keeps moving, engulfing with it more and more of the road. As I run along, I still catch odd glimpses of people I know. People I’ve loved. Some just stand there, and I am unable to make out any more because I have run past them, and they have been engulfed into nothing. Some I spot from a little distance, they seem to try to mouth something out to me, but with the sounds of my footsteps and my breathing, I can’t hear a word they say. I try to stop a couple of times, but I am unable to, its like I am now a machine that has been set to run at a predetermined sped in a particular direction. Few, very few, try to run along, I spot them for longer periods, trying to keep up, stay with me, knowing I cannot understand, just quietly running along, with the occasional smile that is both meant to reassure me of their presence , and at the same time, sad. ‘Why sad?’ I wonder out aloud, ‘at least you care enough to try to keep up. The others didn’t even take a step‘. As soon as I say this out, their look changes to one of hurt. I do not know why, but immediately after they are left behind too.

I’m confused now, I want to continue, but I still want to stop and go back. I realized I can only go forward. My body has stopped being controlled by my brain, and is just moving ahead, and I realize all I can do now is give in, and wait and watch. I resume my aerial position, and watch as my body moves along the road, with the darkness moving in from behind. It suddenly hits me, I am not running away into the light, I am running away from the darkness, which is engulfing me fast from behind. I am surprised that my body knew this before my mind. Now I am glad that I’m moving away, though I am afraid what it means that my friends are being left behind. As soon as I think this, I spot one more moving ahead. One of my closest friends, my rock. Long before I reach there, my  friend has started to run, knowing that keeping up will require a huge head start. I know that my heart would be a little hurt, lacking the logic that my brain has. I would only have seen it as my friend running away, leaving me behind. My brain understands,  grasps the concept of the true friend and the fact that my heart will never forgive my friend for leaving me behind. I suddenly realize what me heart is asking my body to do, and I try to go back, force it into reason, but the attempt is futile. I can only watch, shocked, as I see myself catch up, and push - put out my arm, and use all the super-human force I seem to possess - my friend into the darkness.

My mind is reeling. From up here, with this objective view, I finally get the look of hurt on my friend’s face, and am ashamed of myself for putting it there. Another one lost into the darkness. All sorts of thoughts are running in my head now. Jumbled, in random order, with little or no reference. I am thinking back to all the times I let my heart decide before my mind, and I think back to the outcomes. Whoever said, listen to your heart over your mind, did they think it through? While I am still coping with the thoughts, still wondering about the kind of person I’ve been, I happen to look ahead, and happen to see what I instinctively know my body has not, the end of the road. Just as the darkness behind me, there is nothing beyond that point on the road ahead, and I am hurtling towards there. Even though I know, that I haven’t been the best person, survival instincts kick and in , and I rush towards my body, determined to get it under control again. I have to make it stop. I don’t know what will happen when I stop, will I just be stuck on the road, between two worlds of darkness? I shall be alone, I have myself pushed away anyone who ever cared. But I know I must stop. I have to. The aerial view I have shows me that we’re almost there at the edge. My heart and body still won’t listen to my mind. On the contrary, I see a smile on my lips, albeit disconnected from my eyes. My eyes look elated, not in a happy kind, just in the sense that says it knows its goal is achieved.

I am too late, in the end I won’t be able to save even myself. I see the light slimming down to a sliver and the last thing I can see is myself, jumping off the edge of the road, (which now seems to be a cliff) into nothing. And then there is only the darkness. The last thing I feel, is my feet leaving firm ground and jumping into nothing, the darkness I’ve been running from. As I feel the lurch of the ground slipping beneath my feet, I jerk awake, breathing as though I had actually run all that way. I do not know if, when I jumped, I managed to fly, or if I fell.

“Time takes it all whether you want it to or not, time takes it all. Time bares it away, and in the end there is only darkness. Sometimes we find others in that darkness, and sometimes we lose them there again.”

- Stephen King

Note: Didn't exactly think this one through. The work of a truly insomniac mind.

The brain is hazy between the real and the dream now.

~

Song Recommendation: Run Away by Staind