Alive

It had been ages since a day like this
She walked up to the glass windows, observing the rain pouring down
'Melting silver', she'd once heard it described as

She shut her eyes and rested her forehead against the glass
Flinching for a second at the difference in temperature

All she could hear was the rain; her absolute favourite sound in the world
But that wasn't what this was about
With all the effort she could put in, she drowned out the sound of the rain
With greater effort, she managed to tune out the less likeable voices in her head to distant murmurs

She concentrated instead on that faint, slightly off beat sound she normally never paid heed to
She thought she heard it a little louder now, a little firmer "tip tip tap" - every second or less
She imagined - as she could hear it grow louder - that she could feel it
She didn't even need to raise her hand to her breast to feel it this time,
Unmistakably, she heard her thumping heart, imagined it going from broken to whole,
Could feel the actual outline of that organ pushing against her ribs

No longer out of tune, the beats were completely in sync with her "heart", her soul
She felt her mouth turn upward in a smile, and this time she raised her hand, to touch and feel it
And as she did, she felt a drop on her hand.
The rain, she thought, pouring out her eyes through her soul.

They were both out of place, the rain outside and her smile.
This was not the time for either of them.

For her though, neither could've been more welcome.

It had been ages since a day like this. 
It had been forever since she had felt Alive.


Note: A slightly out of time post, but then again, the rains this year have been unpredictable too :)

Song Recommendation: I Am Mine by Pearl Jam

From Dusk to Dawn

I start at the end
I start by bidding people goodbye, and yet it isn’t me that’s leaving,
I’ve only just begun.

The number of people around me dwindles, even those separated through several time zones leave, 
One IM window at a time, till there are none.

A silence of the sort I’m unaccustomed to settles around me, deep enough to hear my thoughts,
Disrupted only by frantic keyboard clicks with which I attend to pressing matters at hand.

The luxuriously slow pace with which everything seems to move, lends an illusion of true disconnect from the world,
The only thing changing; the reflection of the glaring light from the screen

Occasionally, seemingly when my solitary existence gets too much to handle, I hear a beep, of an incoming mail,
that (stupidly) startles and amazes me – ‘I am not alone. There is someone else out there’


The momentary excitement is just that, but it’s something to get me through the next hour, maybe longer.
Phone calls are too much for my sleep addled brain to handle, even though it is one more contact to a world that seems so far away


As time passes by, I realize what a fictitious world I’ve made up in my mind
The sun does not rise as early as I imagined it would
There isn’t a way to tell by looking out the window if it’s a new day or midnight


If it weren’t for a clock, id easily believe I was stuck in time
Or if I let my imagination go wild, that I was moving at a supersonic speed, and everything around me was frozen in limbo.


Finally it’s time,
Sleep has successfully evaded me all night, and as I lay in bed soaking now in complete darkness and quiet, 
I start to think maybe sleep has left me entirely


Another stupid notion I’ve imagined I realize, as my mind moves to the unrealistic subconscious thoughts that can only qualify the start of a... good morning’s sleep :)

The Memory Remains

Deviating from the normal here - the following is neither a story nor an attempt at poetry. It is merely me recounting a memory I hope to have with me for years to come. (in a very long, very personal post)

It happens with the best bands. It happens with the best songs. It happened with Metallica. I don’t remember the first song I heard by them, but I know the first song that changed me – The Unforgiven. Over the years, I fell in love with more and more songs by them, I fell in love with the band themselves, and their stories. It raised a want within – the want to see them perform live. A few months ago, the rumours started – Metallica would be visiting India. There was hope, that fizzled when the rumours got more concrete, about Metallica visiting India, but in Gurgaon. That wasn’t an option. Then came the news – Bangalore too. Did I dare hope? Would I ever be able to see my dream come true? When confronted with a dilemma about a choice one has to make – there is only one thing to do. Stop thinking. I had a friend book the concert tickets for me, had the tickets booked a couple of months in advance, but I refused to think about it. I didn’t want to jinx it.

After months of waiting that I refused to acknowledge, the day was finally here. I would be leaving to watch the Gods of music, perform LIVE. There was a little nervousness, a little anxiety I felt all day that I couldn’t place, like something was about to go very wrong. It was mostly nervous excitement, but just before I left office I heard the news – the Gurgaon concert was cancelled. No wait, postponed. No wait, cancelled. So no one was sure. We started the train journey with uncertainty writ all over it. To add to it, tickets that should have been confirmed, weren’t. That left three of us, sharing a berth, sitting uncomfortably through the night, with me wondering – is this jinxed, or would we be third time lucky? After a long tiring journey, (for the nth time, Bombay-Bangalore needs a faster route by train), we reached our destination. And it was raining. Rain has always meant well for me. It was also a lot cooler than it is in Bombay this time of the year. The next day arrived, with overcast skies. Would it rain over the concert? I didn’t care if it flooded the city, as long as the concert happened. 

The pass said, ‘Gates open at 3’. But news was that people had been camping outside overnight. I reached the venue close to 3, where I was supposed to meet my friends. The queue seemed to stretch along the perimeter of the ground. A line of people in black, almost all in Metallica t-shirts, waiting patiently while the sun played hide and seek. I managed to bypass the crowd and get into the venue and met my friends. There were distinctly 3 groups of people I expected to be around. 2 of them had guys. So, just before we decided to make our way into the ground – there we were – 4 girls.

A little to be said about the management. Imagine a huge rectangle filled with people, with just 1 bit of a corner open, to let one person out at a time- that’s how they planned to let us in. Not very confidence-inspiring for us girls to be in a crowd full of testosterone fuelled metal heads. But we bravely made our way through, me fighting my claustrophobia- counting the number of steps we could move ahead, every few minutes – a grand total of 2. To add to it, guys around us were lighting up like chimneys. 6 steps inside – with stale air and cigarette smoke around, things didn’t look very promising for me. Just then there was some chaos at one end of the crowd, and we were pushed to a side. With mighty effort, our own and the guys around us, we managed to not be crushed. I looked behind for an escape route – there was none. Luckily, there was a small road-divider just besides the ‘wall’ we were against, and I got up on it, balanced precariously till the end of the rectangle. Finally, we were in. But wait, there were more queues to be stood in. Luckily these moved fast enough, and we also got a chance to have a couple of bites – all that we would eat all day that day.

Past that queue, we were finally IN. Rushing as ahead as we could. In the queues, they wrote the sections we were supposed to be in on our hands. Ours read ‘L6’, which happened to be the third section from the front. But no one seemed to be entering that, and seemed to be entering the section in front of that. We got into that one too. Then we noticed our magic entrance to the front. The section right in front was open and people were rushing into it. So did we. It felt good to be this close to the stage. They also stopped letting in people after a while, which meant we had lots of space to ourselves. We felt like royalty. By the time we were there, Inner Sanctum was done with their bit and Guillotine was on stage. Being a Delhi band, they were suitably boo-ed. But they managed to keep a straight face, and did their bit. Then there was a long wait while Biffy Clyro set up. Most of us sat down, saving up our energy for the main event. This was a band I didn’t know about till before I knew they were opening for Metallica. The last couple of songs they played were good, and it also rained while they were performing. It added to the atmosphere loads. Once they were done, was the long- almost insufferable- wait for Metallica to get on stage and get started. By this time, our spacious section was filling up with more and more people by the second. Also, because it had rained, there was less ground and more slush around, so the question of sitting down again was out.

The crowd was getting increasingly impatient and exponentially bigger. It had started to get darker, and the colour that ruled now was definitely black. At close to 8, the magic started. The lights went out, the traditional AC/DC track playing loudly, and then there were four- on stage.

The crowd went crazy. They started with ‘Creeping Death’ and as one the crowd rose. Singing, cheering, jumping, raising their hands in the respectful sign of the horns. You could feel the energy spreading through the crowd in waves. Suddenly all the space, lessening as it was, around us was taken up by more and more people. With each song that they played, moving onto for whom the bell tolls, fuel, the crowd seemed to get more energized, more enthusiastic, and chanting along the lyrics with no less conviction than believers at a prayer meet. I loved James Hetfeild talking to the crowd in between songs, loved watching the crowd hanging on desperately to every word, cheering, being taken in by the music.

While the entire duration of the show had everyone singing along, head banging (violently at times, I had hair-whiplash marks on the back of my neck the next day :-P), and going hoarse cheering, and fingers frozen in the sign of the horn, a few songs stood out:

1. The crowd, swaying as one, cell phones raised high, to nothing else matters. Being the only non-heavy-metal track they played that night, it was the only few moments with everyone just singing along, feeling the magic that the song creates, every time I hear it. And going by everyone around me, I’m guessing it’s the same for everyone else there too.
2. My favorite Metallica concert song of all times: master of puppets. One of their most energized, crowd, designed to drive crowds crazy everywhere, and every single person yelling back ‘master’ at Hetfield with total conviction. He never comes across as less than a ‘master of puppets’ in this one.
3. Undoubtedly, something that everyone there will remember – the memory remains. The band started the song, crowds went crazy, and when they got to the na-na-na part of the songs, there was just no stopping us. Even when the part of the song was done, the crowd kept on humming it, and the band had to wait before continuing. Lars, kept cheering the crowd on while James just seemed amused. Everyone broke into applause at the end of it, Metallica got the stage back to themselves, finished the song, and James ended it with ‘You are beautiful, Bangalore!’.
4. The pyrotechnics during ‘Fuel’ and ‘Enter Sandman’. I know it’s not uncommon for a concert, but it always makes me fall a little more in love with Hetfield.

The band also did their bit of drama, pretending to leave the stage. But everyone who is a true blue Metallica fan knows that they never leave their concerts, without a) a cover song, and b) introducing themselves. Fans waited impatiently for them to come back on. They played ‘Am I Evil’, and the crowd, having re-energized themselves in the previous couple of minutes, was BACK! James did some more drama with putting his guitar on (everyone cheered), taking it off (everyone boo-ed) a few times. One guy behind me yelled loudly, ‘yeh humko fuck raha hai’. Then they got on to play ‘Battery’ and just when it seemed it would really be the end (the crowd did not want it to end, and even though exhaustion and claustrophobia was finally catching up with me, I did not want it to end either), James announced their final song for the night, in ‘three simple words’. He did not need to tell us what they were, because once again, in unison, everyone yelled back at him… ‘Seek and Destroy’. Absolute mania.

Then the part that makes Metallica, Metallica. They each came on stage to say their good byes:

James Hetfield announcing once again that Metallica loved Bangalore, asking how it felt to be alive in India, that they had waited for a long time for this, but most importantly, that it changed his life. Mine too – I screamed, with 40000 others. Robert Trujillo, was the one to watch out for throughout the show. Being on the bass guitar, he pranced around the stage, and we got to see the most of him right in front of us, less than 10 feet away. You have to love watching him play with James, love his spider meets crab way of going real low on his guitar and prancing around. Towards the end, he spun round and round on stage his guitar, slung around his neck, swinging around in an outer circle to his own spinning. On the mike, he – growled, once, twice, thrice, and the crow growled right back. But Lars, my favorite drummer said the words the crowd was dying for – ‘Is it just me that thinks Metallica should come back to India?’ I’d like to think I was the first to scream back, ‘yes you should!’ For the millionth time that night, the crowd went berserk, and Lars promised that they would make it happen. I hope they keep that promise, but even if they don’t that night was more than I could ever have asked for. Finally they each walked across the stage, throwing around picks (a whole lot of them, and I didn’t even get one :-() almost causing a stampede, and Lars even gave away his drumsticks. They took their final bows, one arm around the other and the other raised high. The crowd saluted them back the same way, and it was the end of a truly magical night.

I’ve already mentioned before that the crowd around was awesome too, truly there for the music. Considering the crowd was almost all male, there was pushing and shoving and aggression, but there was no stampede and except for the occasional headbutts due to all the headbanging, no one was hurt. I remember, sometime in between, a couple of girls managed to squeeze their way to right behind where we were starting, and asked, all pretty, if they could go further ahead. You’ll know what I meant when I say the crowd there was all for the music; because the boys they asked, replied back with ‘absolutely not’ and went back to enjoying the music. The cops forming the human chain keeping us further away from the barricade were mighty sweet too. They never pushed back till everyone was right at the barricade, and then too, they were as polite as they could be. In fact when James came to the part of the stage we were standing right in front of, the guards even let a  few of us go right up to the barricade. Another big fat cop came right after and pushed us back into the crowd, but for what it was worth, we were right there! They even passed out water occasionally, and when you’ve been on your feet, jumping around screaming your head off, you know what a boon that is. We overheard a couple of cops cribbing about the ‘kind’ of music and wondering how people enjoyed it, but for all their ignorance, kudos to them for a job well done. There were a couple of slightly older men that I noticed in the crowd too, enjoying the music like they had attained nirvana. I can only imagine what it must have been like for them, having waited most of their lives to watch legends from their younger years playing live in front of them – a dream come true, am sure. Then there was this guy who had got along his younger brother, all of a ripe age of 14. I loved how big-brotherly he seemed, am sure he had gotten a huge list of to-dos from his family, but he kept watching out for his little brother, making sure he was still standing in the crowd, ensuring he had pulled his jacket over his head when it started to rain, and also trying to keep him right in the front, to get an unobstructed view. When Metallica came on, and the crowd went crazy, they got separated for a bit, and he was constantly seeking him out in the crowd. Towards the end, I saw him lift his kid brother high, sp he had the perfect view. I am sure the kid must have gone back to school being the coolest kid of his age.

There was some chaos getting out of the grounds again, thanks to the mis-management, just not enough space for everyone to get out quickly enough. People got impatient and brought down one of those cloth partitions blocking the exit. The exhaustion, the noise, the smoke had finally caught up. By the time we got out onto the road, our group of 4 that had somehow managed to be together during the concert, had separated. i told my friend who was with me, to find the others and meet me across the road, where I headed to sit down on the footpath to overcome the nauseating feeling creeping over me. I wasn’t the only one, the road was full of people sitting down  anywhere they could find, also trying to find the rest of their groups, and getting back some of their energy. I don’t know if it was planned to be so, but there were no active mobile networks in the area, adding to the chaos. We had a tough time locating the cab we had booked for us, and then a tough time finding a place to eat, considering everything shuts down in Bangalore, super early, before we finally made it back to our room. Everyone else crashed almost immediately, but I still had some of that adrenaline rush left over, and stayed up late into the night, reliving the moments.

Because we crashed with barely talking after the concert, the next day, or afternoon, by the time everyone woke up was all about reliving the night – through the blurred pics and videos on our phones, and hunting through TV channels for news about the concert, and letting it sink in – I WENT FOR A METALLICA CONCERT!

Things seem different after this concert. I feel different. I take music seriously. I judge people by the music they listen to. I’ve believed in the healing power music has. I’ve believed it is a religion, and I got to see the gods I follow, so I know it isn’t blind faith. I’ve seen the power of music, the power it has to change someone, the power to teach, the power to bring someone together. This concert has strengthened all of these convictions, and even though there are a couple of more months to go before this year ends, it has been the perfect way to end a year that has brought about significant changes in me. A year where I’ve decided and strived to put myself first, where I’ve made an effort to venture out of my comfort zone and into territories I wouldn’t imagine considering before. Most importantly, a year where I’ve been the reason for my happiness, and found that I am truly my best friend. This concert helped me realize all of this. Most people won’t understand this feeling. Most people don’t even get why I had to be at the concert, or why I feel the elation from it. Am sure, normal routine will take over and this feeling will wilt with time, and in time all of this will purely be a memory. Am sure there will be times when I will be happier than I can even imagine now, and times when I will not be sure if I can face the day. But if I can remember what I felt like during those two hours, and now, just the memories will suffice then.

So I don’t know about you, but IT CHANGED MY LIFE.

Song recommendations: http://www.metallica.com/tour/oct-30-2011-bangalore.asp

Pics: http://www.metallica.com/photo-gallery/oct-30-2011-bangalore-gallery.asp

Happy Birthday to me :)

A wise man once told me, “You can claim to live by your own rules, all you want, but the real challenge is in going out of your own comfort zone, not others’”. So there I was, fidgeting about, waiting for the clock to strike ‘nerves hour’, asking myself to ‘Stop it!’ - and back to step one. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and barley had time to register my change in expression to mocking laughter, before I was back at uncertainty, just as I heard the doorbell go off. “Well”, I said to myself, “This is as good as it’s gonna get” and headed out.

Being greeted with that familiar warm smile helped the nerves some.

“Door, huh? Nice touch. I expected a car honk.”

“I wanted to do this right”

“So are my flowers in the car?”

“Nah, even I couldn’t get away with that”

We headed to a nice restaurant and over a leisurely, wonderful meal (and dessert that gave me a peek onto what heaven might feel like), we ate, laughed and talked. It was nothing new, and yet nothing that we had ever done before. In contrast to my nerves earlier, I was starting to wonder now, Why hadn’t we don’t this before? But there’d be time for that later. I would obviously be spending a lot of time going over tonight in my mind; for now, I wanted to merely enjoy the moment and build up on memories.

Far too soon, in my opinion, we were done with dinner and walking back towards the car. And even with the contended sigh that I got into the car with, I almost wished we weren’t here already. Registering who I was with, I realized I could actually say it out loud and I did.

“I thought you’d never ask” he smiled. “If it’s not too late, we could walk”.

When we stopped at a beach, I couldn’t help but smile. You could leave some things to fate, but knowing for sure what someone would like, comes with familiarity over time. And I was loving all the attention to detail. It was past the time tourists thronged the place, even past the time the creepies decided to take a walk. Now, there were just a few people around, minding their own business, enjoying the peace and quiet. After a few minutes of walking in comfortable silence, I felt his hand reach mine.

“Did you have fun tonight?”

“Yes, I did”

“I thought so; you can’t seem to shake that smile off your face.”

“Neither can you”

I had to ask what had been on my mind for along time now. “Why now?”

“Why anything, you know? Maybe because I just found the guts to ask you now. Mostly because it felt right, now. Any other time, might not have gone well, with either of us”

I knew what he was talking about. “Maybe it would have been better”

“No, I think we needed that stuff. We might be more cautious now. But that will make us value this more. I know that’s how it is for me”

“I’m not sure. I don’t…”

“That’s fine. I’ve been here a little longer than you have. I don’t mind waiting for you to catch up. Just as long as you don’t try to needlessly complicate this into something that it isn’t”

“What is on your mind”, he asked, and I realized I had been quiet for the past few minutes. A few minutes, a lot more steps, faint footprints in the sand, that would be gone with the next slight breeze, or wave that washed over them.

“Just thinking”. Answering his questioning glance, I said “About how well we know each other. And how simple this seems. And I can’t even remember the first time I met you. I normally do”

“Not everything has to be dramatic you know. You don’t have to hate or love a person when you first see them. They don’t have to make gallant efforts to get to the other side of that. Not everyone needs to have a song” I smiled at his last statement.

“That’s right actually. In fact we’ve been almost boring. We didn’t turn into best friends overnight, nor did I try to kill you. No one warned me to stay away from you”.

“No one forced us together either”

“No they didn’t, and yet here we are.”

“I’ve probably never said this, but you are a nice person”

“Nope, never said it before”

”You know what I mean, I don’t want that to change”

“Don’t. Don’t over analyse. Be impulsive. If tonight was fun, just enjoy it. Don’t worry about tomorrow”

A little reassured, we walked on, and even as I debated if our new found relationship could handle it, he said it himself, “that last bit should probably be left for when I am drunk” and we broke into laughter. With that, we were back to ‘normal’.

Just then, it started to rain, drizzles to big drops, to rain. We half ran, half laughed to the car, and as soon as we were locked in, he said, “I know you love it, but I don’t think either of us were dressed to get drenched tonight.” Then, in the light, noticing that we were splattered anyway, I laughed,”The best of both worlds!”

The journey back home, was mostly spent listening to and discussing music. The rain had gotten fiercer and noisier, and as always I was enthralled with the windshield getting covered with water drops, and the wiper swishing it away. Since before I could remember, I could watch this for ages.

Alas, as all things must, the journey ended and I was back behind the door where tonight started. We said our goodbyes, and I waited to see him take off and shut the door. A few minutes later, I was back in front of the same mirror, and this time all I could see was the smile that I still couldn’t shake off.

I heard the phone ring, and rolling my eyes thinking it would be one my friends calling to wish me, I felt the smile grow even wider when I saw who it really was.

“So, what is my song?”

“I thought you’d never ask”

Sometimes, all you need is one chance, to confirm what you've really known all along :-)

Note: To start with, happy birthday to me :-)

24 years, and while the world still hasn’t made much sense to me yet, ringing in a new year this year hasn’t been very scary.

P.S: I meant to title this post, 'Every song is...'

Song Recommendation: None, because I have too many to fit this post in my mind right now. But also because sometimes, you have to “make your own kind of music”

Friend or Foe

An update after a long hiatus. This should explain it :)

I've made an acquaintance in recent times,

Although you’ve been around since before I learnt rhymes

I scorned at you, put you down as weak

You waited patiently till my times were bleak

I was left with no choice but to turn to you

With time I realized no one could be more true

Hated, I did, to be told what I didn’t want to hear

With you about that, I never had a fear

You made me face what I always knew

Steadily, surely, my faith in you grew

Everyone realized the change you brought in me

I realized I couldn’t return to who I used to be

Yet, of our association I had second thoughts

Many a battle with myself I fought

From a confidante you turned into my only refuge

Only on you, my thoughts I could deluge(?)

Often I tried to run away from you and hide

The harder I tried, the faster I was forced back to your side

Confined in the very fence I put up for my defense

Undecided friend or foe, I call you, Silence

Read somewhere: Boundaries don't keep others out, they fence you in.

Song Recommendation: The Sound of Silence- Simon and Garfunkel

Note: My second poem that rhymes :)

For quite some time have been hearing from a lot of people that I've "become very quiet" (I guess others can't hear the constant babble in my mind). One such comment and a 30 minute ride home at night inspired this.

So I can sort of rhyme now, but I wish I could rhyme in a less kiddish, less funnier way, at least when I'm not writing anything funny :-/

A Change of Perspective

How do you know if your world has crashed?

How can you tell one thing isn’t right when all of it is in disarray?

You need a frame of reference,

One thing to measure it by

One thing that stayed as it was, that didn’t crash

While everything around did…

But you notice not what stayed,

All you can see is the chaos,

All you worry about is what’s not there anymore

What can never come back…

It takes but a second to catch your own reflection

Off of some broken shiny object

To make you realize that you are the one thing that is still upright

The only thing that remained

Intact, if only by appearance…

It takes several moments more

For you to realize there is only one thing to do

Try and resuscitate whatever can be

And to clean up the mess the rest made

And as you try to start to do so

And fail at each attempt,

Just as you are about to give up,

You realize all you need is a change of perspective

All that crashed, was you

Everything else remained just the same as before

The biggest of problems seem minuscule when a new one comes along...

Expressing the only way I can...

Rain and Reminiscence

Note: I should just state that i can't really do short posts :)

I rushed out of office, afraid I was gonna be very late for my girls-night-out and face the wrath of five angry, possibly drunk women. I’d rushed through the entire day, buried to my nose in work, with barely a break for lunch, so I wouldn’t be late. It’d been ages since we’d caught up, and tonight was a BIG reason to celebrate. I couldn’t wait to get out of office all day.

Damn! Just as I stepped out, it started to pour. Like, not a drizzle pour, not even vertical-columns-of-water pour, but the fierce-breezy-huge-big-drops-that-can-hurt-you-and-your-umbrella-doesn’t-stand-a-chance pour. Don’t get me wrong, I love the rains, I love getting drenched. Most days I gladly pretend umbrellas aren’t invented and give spaced-out looks (imagine ET saying ‘El-li-ot’) to the people on the streets who give me weird looks for this. But some days, a girl just wants to get home dry, so she can zap into clothes and mood appropriate for the party ahead. Drenched-to-the-bone was not a look I needed tonight. I wrestled open my umbrella (mutual dislike and all that) and then wrestled with it against the wind and the rain, honestly, cyclone anyone? The rain refused to let up. I refused to let down my umbrella, even though it squeaked and creaked (being so rarely used) and even threw a mighty tantrum and flipped over. No sirree, I was not giving up.

I stepped out beyond the huge gates (they call it a workplace, but if you ask me they’re secretly building a fortress to create and harbor zombies) into a pool of slush. Now this I definitely hated. My attempts to hail a cab seemed futile as I stubbornly simultaneously struggled to keep the umbrella overhead, and wade through ankle deep slush to any cab I could set my eyes on, even risking my life to step right in front of them, but to no avail. As always, cabs in this city were headed to some secret magical land, that us commuters never got to go to. As the hands on my watch started moving closer to ‘mortal peril’, I decided I had no option but to try and wade through more slush.

I set off in search of dryer land, but it seemed like it was almost time for the apocalypse and the city was drowning. I was probably imagining myself stuck and swinging between heaven and hell when I died, so much so, that I didn’t notice that the water had almost reached my knees now. I was seriously kidding about the city drowning! Could such a thing really happen? I stopped, right in the middle of the river that used to be an arterial road in the city, for a reality check. I could turn back, and head back to office, but really, swinging between heaven and hell through eternity seemed like a better option. I could move forward, and I could see that the water levels only seemed to rise ahead – Nah! Or I could wait here, right where I was, risk hypothermia, leptospirosis, pneumonia, at the very least, wrinkled skin like after you take a long bath. But did I really have an option?

I sighed heavenwards. I wished God would one day realize I wasn’t really competing with him. Maybe he got the sign, because just then, I noticed a bylane. I hadn’t used it earlier, since there were several constructions going on along that road, and now the offices there contributed to the exponential influx of traffic along this river/road. It seemed dryer, at least I wouldn’t have to worry about whether or not the thing that brushed my leg underwater was a twig or a snake or a rat or the aliens that were trying to invade the earth (more cooler than thinking about the apocalypse).

I waded my way through. Shook off the excess water from my shoes. Came very close to shaking myself like a dog, but it hadn’t stopped raining yet. Thankfully, I was more in control of my umbrella. I took out my phone to check for messages and/or last minute cancellation calls. None. I didn’t even have reception. Excuse me, but I thought I lived in a connected city. The lane was more or less empty. I got that feeling. Like in those horror movies, where the girl walks down the dark alley all by herself. But I put it aside as one more of my hyperactive thoughts this evening. All that coffee I had throughout the day to keep me going, was still keeping me going apparently. As I walked on, I saw more people walking along this lane, bordering on crowded. One of the things I’ve loved about rain is how it quietens everything else. All you can hear is the rain.

As I made my way through the river of people now, I spotted him, at a distance. I’d almost missed him, but in keeping with the movie-like feeling I had, I did a double take, and it was him. There was no mistaking his crazy hair, or his jacket (would he ever get a new one?). I waited for that weird reaction I always got when I used to see him, the fictional butterflies in the stomach, and the skipping of exactly one heart beat and the ten others that followed, making you painfully aware you had a heart and it needed oxygen. But it didn’t come. Was it not him or was I not staring hard enough? He turned around a bit later, and it was him. That lopsided grin, that laughter I almost could hear. I waited for the other emotions to settle in. The hurt, the anger, the pain – the pain always lasted the longest. Maybe because it was the amalgamation of the other two. Maybe because my head wanted to separate the other two, but no matter what I did, it always ended up, in pain.

My mind reeled back to those days, when I swung like crazy between the hurt and the anger. I remembered each of it vividly, but that was it. Just the memories. Not the emotions. "The saddest thing about love, is that not only the love cannot last forever, but even the heartbreak is soon forgotten." The lack of emotion worried me. A little. I didn’t have that feeling anymore when I used to dread each morning, when I was surrounded my overbearing reminders of him all around, when I wondered how I could possibly ever feel happy again. When had it stopped? It’s a shame I don’t remember the first time I smiled after that, but I am sure it had to do with the afore mentioned friends. Right. I needed to get to them. Still no reception. Ah! A few more seconds of staring never killed anyone. I wish I could get close enough to see those eyes. And yet, a part of me worried, that all those emotions were just pretending to be in control. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here, they seemed to tell me. Maybe it was me, but I could make out a bit of his tattoo peeking out from beneath his collar. The design used to be something that only I knew about. I wondered who else was in on the secret. I waited for the jealousy to set it. The insecurity. The fear. Nope. Still nothing.

By now, I was sure, I did look like a spaced out zombie, standing in the middle of a road, staring at a guy like a lovesick idiot. Except that I didn’t feel like one. I felt... nothing. And then I felt a little sad about feeling nothing. And then I felt a little angry for feeling sad about feeling nothing. I moved ahead, accepting the inevitable. I watched carefully his expressions change as he saw me, recognition dawned, his face broke into a smile and we exchanged greeting more apt for old friends meeting up. There- were all the reasons I’d loved him. And still… nothing. In keeping with the movie-like sequence, the rain picked up again, as did the breeze, and my poor old faithful umbrella (blue with snoopy on it) gave up with one final squeak, and some rattling of spokes, and flipped over for the last time. It had lived its largely unused life quite well. And I really wasn’t someone to cover when it rained. My phone also buzzed with a few messages then, all about my friends being stuck in places, and we would have to catch up another day. Usually it bummed me out when that happened, but I would catch up, and we’d have an even bigger reason to celebrate.

The rain seemed to catch up and it only seemed wise to get out of it for a bit. We headed to one of those coffee joints we used to frequent (and I’d refused to step in one after that) for some long time catching up with another… friend. The last thought on my mind was. Has it been a year already? Has it really been that long?

"I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded; not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night."

—    Khaled Hosseini (The Kite Runner)

Song Recommendation: ‘Echoes’ by Pink Floyd

~

Note: Phew! And this one pretty much wrote itself. Definitely not what I had thought of when I started with it. What I had thought of was just the ending bit. but now it seems sorta out of place for me. I don't know yet if I should edit it out... it stays till I can decide.

Also inspired by the ‘flood’ in Bombay on 26-Jul-2005. An experience like no other, truly!

The friends mentioned in the post should understand ;)

Imploding

Similarities bore.
Differences frustrate.

I think it’s time I moved on.
I’ve stared at this rock long enough, waiting for it to show me the face of God.

It ain’t gonna happen.



OK, somebody help me move!!!



`

Full Moon

Note: And, I'm back :) This will explain why I've been missing.

They say it is darkest before dawn but it’s darker when it’s a sky with no moon, and you have a darker soul. The roads were lit with the dull yellow streetlights, but the shadows they cast seemed as lifeless as the lights themselves. That night, I felt like a stranger in my own city. I felt as though the city was trying to alienate me as much I was trying to get away from it. I sped through the empty roads, occasionally driving past a vehicle headed towards what I was getting away from. Always towards. Never away. It seemed, literally and figuratively, I was alone in my journey.

Alone, never lonely. I’d always defined myself that way. But then, the world of difference between the two terms, seemed not to exist. It was just me, with all my material possessions that mattered to me the most, speeding out, getting away. As I drove over the sea, the air that quite uniquely belonged to just my city, seemed to suffocate me. As soon as I crossed the city limits, I looked back, without knowing what I was looking back for. I’d thought it was relief, but maybe I was wrong. The tension within me seemed to lift, with the sun that was rising along the horizon. My destination till then was undecided, but it took me a split second to decide. I’d wanted to run, and run I would. I wouldn’t be alone. I wouldn’t have company, I would have competition. I’d race the sun, to the shores each evening; I’d race to be the one out first at dawn.

The first couple of days passed by with my eyes set on the sun alone. All that mattered to me then, was winning. My days ended at the top of hills along my way, where I sat watching the sun go down. I’d stay at the hill tops long after the sun had disappeared behind the hills in the distance, covering behind the clouds. Coward, I’d said. When I turned around, it was dark again, but when I looked up, a couple of days later, there was the faintest sliver of white- the moon was starting to show again.

I was driving along a road that seemed to have no beginning or end, with just plain unused land all around me, no hint of civilization around for as far as I could see. Soon after I passed a fork, in the road, I looked into the rearview mirror and found a dog following my car. I ignored it as just another dog chasing behind a car, but five minutes later it was still there. It looked like it had slowed down a bit, but it still continued to run. I stopped the car, waiting to see what it would do. I expected it to sniff around for a bit before heading back, but it just came and stopped by my door. It looked at me once, and then it just sort of made up its mind to be my designated companion for the ride. I opened the door to let it in, and after getting in with one pounce, it primly shuffled around in the seat till his head was hanging out. So much for company!

The next couple of days were spent along with my silent companion, and I was happier for it. I’d never had a pet, and thus, never appreciated the comfort or quiet assurance a person cannot provide at times. The Dog (I refused to name it) knew just how to be. We were two souls, in no hurry to get anywhere once the sun had set. My soul was starting to warm up, and the sky lighten a little bit more each night, with the moon showing itself a little more each day. Funny to think I’d never even have noticed it back home. ‘Back home’… I was surprised I could still call it that.

Finally one day, I reached the end of all the land I’d ever known. I finally got to see where the sun went to hide its head under the sand till the next day. Well, maybe a little beyond the sand, to the surf, and a little beyond that. Water, for as far as I could see, nothing more, nothing less, and the sun, sinking low beneath it. Long after the sun was gone, the Dog and I sat by the sea, watching the last few birds make their way back home. Watching little boats, heading back to shore, filled to capacity with fish (I’d have to find one of those for dinner later), fisherman gaily calling out to each other, happy talk about their lucky catch for the day, and anticipation of going home to a warm home-cooked meal. I sat until it was all dark, maybe I had dozed off for a bit, lost in the silence except for the waves crashing till the Dog’s bark woke me. The water had just about reached us, it was time to head back, he seemed to say as he ran away.

I ran after it. I had no name to call out for, just blindly followed the barks in the dark. I slowed down when it got a little lighter, we’d reached some sort of little settlement, and the sights and sounds (ands smell) told me it was a fishermen’s village. The Dog’s barking got louder, and I picked up pace, only to find it jumping around in abandon with little kids who took turns running away and rolling around in the sand with it. The sight stilled me. What wouldn’t I give for such abandon, and no worries! The Dog sensed I was there, and came up to me, almost dragging and pushing me towards the kids who hesitated no more than a minute to accept me considering I was with the Dog. That’s how the Dog earned us our first warm home cooked meal in days.

And of course, then I had to leave. As a token of my gratitude for the free meal and shelter for the night, I offered the fisherman a drop to some place if he wanted to go. No sooner than I had spoken, than my car was filled with people. Men and women who had work in the nearby town, and kids who had no work, but wouldn’t miss a car ride with a Dog. I worried a little for all my stuff that was getting cramped up, and my guitar that the kids seemed to find a little amusing, but the ride to the town was unlike any other. The elders kept me busy with their talk, and even though I barely got a word in, it was the most I’d spoken, except with the Dog. We got to the market and the grownups decided I could be left with the kids to watch over them for a while, and we spent a few hours, Dog and I, entertaining them. I even played some music for them, and that made me realize how much I’d missed it! The familiar sting of the strings beneath my fingers- sweet pain!

Dog decided that would be our mode of travel for the rest of my journey. Hed decide who our company for the day would be and I’d exchange free rides, and some time of human company for a free ride to some place, or a free song on my guitar.

Just as suddenly the Dog decided to join me, it decided to abandon me. So much for being man’s best friend huh! We were atop one of the hills closer to home again, and I was busy looking around the place. Unlike the past few days, I had no one for company. I didn’t realize when the Dog stealthily got away. I waited, a long time, for it to show up, but it didn’t. And I knew, that it wouldn’t, no matter how long I’d waited. Maybe it had found someone else who needed the company more than me. As I lay down to sleep, I realized that I’d be home the next night.

I woke up to a faint drizzle, and keeping in mind that it was my last day of journeying, and since the Dog was no longer by my side, I decided to journey alone. Familiar roads now, familiar sights, I’d been here a lot of times even when I wasn’t running away. The air seemed to get familiar too. I made no stops, paid no heed to my craving stomach, and finally as it got dark, I turned onto the final road that would lead me Home. The beauty of my city is that, no matter how long you’ve been away, you’ll always know when you’re back. Back again driving over the sea, this time I was driving in the same direction as everyone else, though I did spot the few that were running away.

I was home. Maybe not forever, maybe I’d only returned to say goodbye. Maybe I’d set out again, soon, looking for something I don’t know that I’m looking for. Maybe I’ll always leave, only to return. Because, and I’m ready to accept it, no place will ever be home, but the best of us need to get out of it sometime.

As soon as I got out of my car, I heard a cloud burst, and huge drops of the rain that had been threatening me all day, poured over me. I let it all sink in, let the water drench me to my bones, stretched out my hands, with my eyes closed, leaving all my senses open to just feeling the rain. As I opened my eyes and looked up at the sky, I noticed the moon. A full moon. Bright and shining, but alone.

Alone. Not lonely.

Song Recommendation: 'Full Moon' by the Black Ghosts

Note: If you're read it all, thanks. A little long, but it had months of venting cramped in it, and i couldn't bring myself to edit any part of it. Will try again in a more stable frame of mind, if ever :)

Deja vu/ Why?

2 things...

1. Déjà vu

(More Than) Empty Conversations

My favourite piece here so far...

I’m biased to my own stories, I’ll never make a good mom :-P

2. This is actually many things, but connected, for me :)

Why do we so often leave our best chances as last resorts?

Why do we often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude?

Why does it have to be All or nothing for me, ALL the time?

Why can’t I do goodbyes?

Why am I being SUCH a girl????

(ok, so maybe this doesn’t really belong here, but, mwa ha ha ha, MY BLOG, MY POSTS)

Also, the hiatus on stuff here is intentional, for those who asked :)

The Road (Not) Taken

Somebody tell me what’s wrong
I seem to have lost my way
The urge to get away from a crowd is strong
And alone my far flung thoughts lead me astray


I’m headed down memory lane
Down a boulevard of broken dreams
I have an insight into what might have been
And the bag of choices un-taken is bursting at its seams


Trying to figure out how I got here
The paths so crisscrossed, it’s a maze
I see the paths I almost took, and the ones I did
Smiles await me at the end of the lanes
And not always at the ends of the ones I walked


I wonder what I’d do,
If I could go back and rewrite the past
Would I take on paths un-trodden?
Or would I still be here wondering?


Choices made, shattered dreams, broken promises
Will I ever know where I went wrong?
Maybe if I’d tried harder, held on longer?


Maybe I gave up too soon,
Or maybe, not soon enough?

~

Note: Just scribbles. Wasn't gonna put it up here, but then, I did.

~

Song Recommendation: Too many come to mind, but the line that fits the best:

'The time is gone, the song is over, thought I'd something more to say' -Time

A Momentary Lapse of Reason

Note: Another attempt at fiction after quite some time. Tried to keep it short.

I think relationships can be defined by big moments that don't happen. ...Or by the little ones that do.

I don’t know where I went wrong. I don’t know if it one big thing, or one tiny thing, or several tiny things. I don’t know if the whole thing was wrong in the first place, but I did not see it coming.

I remember the first time I saw you. He and I were going to watch a movie, and you rudely cut into line before us. Then you lit a cigarette and gloriously ignored my coughing.

You turned around with the tickets in hand, and smiled, no laughed at Her, ran up to Her and almost snatching the slushie from Her hand, gulped down the last of it.

A common friend introduced us a few days later. I didn’t realize then it was you. You still don’t know. You gave a customary nod and smile towards me at my introduction, not really taking in any information about me. At the end of the party, I was waiting for Him to pick me up, saying my goodbyes to my friends. You - the party animal - was amongst the last to leave. Again, a cursory nod, and you were off, without a good bye or ‘hope to see you again’

Fate played a cruel game. He and you became friends. Back then, I saw it as being forced into your company. I took it as you trying to steal Him away from me. What with all our ‘dates’ moving from just the two of Us, to including you, and maybe more guys, hanging out at sports bars. I was jealous for the first time, and because of a guy. Not a good feeling.

I’d come home from a week long business trip. I’d been dying to see Him after being away for so long, but to my disappointment, when I got off the plane, He called to say, He was stuck at work with a deadline. Instead, He’d asked you to pick me up. Maybe it was the long flight, but mostly it was you that made me reply, ‘If you can’t come, I’ll make it home myself, I don’t need a stupid driver’. Of course, when I turned around, you were standing right there, after eavesdropping on my not-so-soft-spoken conversation and fake-grinned ‘your chauffeur is here ma’am’.

His birthday was around the corner. I couldn’t think of a good enough gift to get Him. And I wanted it to be special. ‘What do you get a guy who has me?’ I asked. You named a book, which has gone on to become amongst his most favorite books. I hadn’t realized you read. Heck, I hadn’t realized we talked enough, for you to be suggesting gift ideas, and me to be accepting them. It was when He gave me the biggest grin ever when He ripped open the present, that I realized I couldn’t have gotten Him anything better. I turned around to smile thanks at you, but you were too busy stuffing your face with cake.

It’d crept up on me, I’m sure. How else could I not have realized we were becoming friends? The frequency of calls increased, the subjects, moving from just one question to long discussions. When did I start talking to you? When did I start laughing with you? When did you become among the first people to know anything that happened with me? He didn’t mind our friendship. In fact He was glad for it. I’m not of the stone-age mindset, but I wish for once He’d have a tiny problem with it. He didn’t.

Our jobs often took us to different cities. We spent precious little time together. I would miss Him terribly when He wasn’t here with me. Another place, I wouldn’t mind. But here, home didn’t seem home without Him. Phone calls, no matter how long, or detailed, could only comfort so much. You became the one I turned to. I’d often tag along with you and Her. Funny, I never wondered if She felt the same as you did initially, while hanging out with us. She didn’t seem to mind, and She and I got to be friends too. But seeing you with Her, got harder with time. Maybe I misunderstood.

The two of you together, always reminded me of the two of us. If not in how you were, then in how you were not. Mostly the latter. I always thought ours was a grown up mature relationship, and yours most obviously wasn’t. The silly arguments, and the mushy making up, the giggling and the touching, the wanting to know about every second of the other’s life- I thought we were way over that. Again I misunderstood. I openly made jokes about how childish you two were, but I was just being jealous. I was missing Him way too much. But I thought I was too mature to simply call Him ten times a day just to hear his voice.

You sensed something was amiss. You tried your best to cheer me up. It worked, but only when I was with you. When you weren’t around, my mind was even more confused now. Missing Him and you. I should’ve seen it coming at least then but I didn’t. i was just missing Him, and you distracted me. I knew this. Then why?

How did we end up there? How could I have misunderstood so much? How did I end up being so confused. I never stopped loving Him, I never thought any one else could ever take his place. Yet there we were. Watching a movie, one afternoon. Some stupid zombie type movie, none the less. I laughed appropriately at all the bits that were “scary”. I don’t know how it happened. Suddenly I was very aware of the fact that I wasn’t looking at the screen, but watching your expressions change. I smiled when you gaily laughed. I smirked at your disgusted expression during the zombie-eating-human bits.

But what got me back, was when you turned to look at me. First you were still laughing at some scene, then your expression changed to a smirk, wondering what I was thinking, and finally as realization dawned, your face dropped, and your eyes closed in disappointment.

‘This isn’t’

‘I know’

‘He’s my friend’

‘I know’

‘He truly loves you’

‘I love Him too’

‘I love Her’

‘I know’

‘I’m sorry…’

‘No, it’s my fault’

‘I can’t…’

‘I don’t know what I was thinking’

‘This isn’t’

‘I… know’

Song Recommendation: ‘One Slip’ by Pink Floyd

Note: The story is fictional, the idea is not. Maybe I can come up with His and Her part of the story. Kind of feel sorry for them.