Happy Ending

Note: A slightly delayed farewell present, and dude, you gotta like this!

That time when you stole the last bit of dessert off of my plate before I could reach for it. I was so stuffed I couldn’t have eaten another bite anyway.

Me: I hate you.

You:(smiling): No, you don’t

That time when you dragged me with you, through the night, to trek up a hill and catch a rare sunrise. It was the most beautiful sight I’d ever seen, the best feeling ever to be above clouds with only the sun in distant view, surrounded by fog. Breathtaking.

Me: I hate you.

You:(smiling): No, you don’t

That time when I attempted to cook up a meal, (and NOT -as you put it- tried to kill us both in a kitchen fire) and burnt it, and you somehow performed magic (and NOT -as you put it- cooked another meal). We’ve survived quite a few decently cooked meals (by me of course!) after that, but it’s always that first one that comes to mind.

Me: I hate you.

You:(smiling): No, you don’t

That time when a movie I had been anticipating was finally in theatres. And I was ranting about wanting to watch it, but was unable to get tickets for almost a week, only to find out on the day of the release, that you had booked the tickets way in advance.

Me: I hate you.

You:(smiling): No, you don’t

That time when I was mighty pissed off at you for being out of town on my birthday, and had issued huge announcements about never wanting to see you again. I logged into my mail account at the end of the day, and the best birthday present ever awaited me: a video of you singing n playing my favorite song.

Me: I hate you.

You:(smiling): No, you don’t (and this part was also in the video after a perfectly timed pause for me to say ‘I hate you’)

So many times, so many memories, I could write an entire book recounting each of them, crystal clear in my mind. But really, it comes down to two incidents:

The time you told me about that interesting new job you were offered,

Me: I hate you.

You:(smiling): No, you don’t

 something you always wanted to do,

Me: I hate you.

You:(smiling): No, you don’t

with real good career prospects for the future and a good pay cheque to boot

Me: I HATE you.

You:(smiling): No, you don’t

It was so much better than what you were currently doing, and way better than what I was doing, and I must admit, I was a wee bit jealous.

And then you said, that the offer was for a post in an alien country, with slim chances of you returning in the near future, if at all. I could literally feel my heart falling down to my stomach with a loud thump, and knocking the wind out of me. For the last time,

Me: I hate you.

You:(smiling): No, you don’t

And then, today, now. At the airport, waiting (but not really) for the time when you must absolutely go inside, and then never come back. Fumbling over words, now, after all this time, all these memories, trying to make goodbye seem anything but. We’d been over this. We’d agreed it was for the best. It wasn’t an attempt for me to get you to wait. But it was just something I had to say. To complete this. To complete us.

Me: I love you.

You:(smiling): No, you don’t

The rest is a daze, the huge bear hug you enveloped me in, the one where our friends were alternatively shouting ‘CRY!’ And ‘GAY!’ You’d think they could be a bit more emotional. But really, where had all these emotions found me suddenly?

I remember turning away as you said your goodbyes to the rest. I couldn’t bear to say it one more time. By the time I looked back, you were on your way in. as always, you understood me perfectly.

“Sometimes we love with nothing more than hope. Sometimes we cry with everything except tears”

And yet, as you walked away, all I was left with was ‘A Tear In My Eye’.

Note: There you go! Don’t really like drawing from real life, but it was where the emotions got me. I feel so gay writing this, but don’t worry, even I were, I’d still love you ;)

I already do, and will, miss you like crazy!

Song Recommendation: just the lyrics this time that fit here:

"He's everything you want

He's everything you need

He's everything inside of you

That you wish you could be

He says all the right things

At exactly the right time

But he means nothing to you

And you don't know why"

Everything you want by Vertical Horizon

A Change of Perspective

How do you know if your world has crashed?

How can you tell one thing isn’t right when all of it is in disarray?

You need a frame of reference,

One thing to measure it by

One thing that stayed as it was, that didn’t crash

While everything around did…

But you notice not what stayed,

All you can see is the chaos,

All you worry about is what’s not there anymore

What can never come back…

It takes but a second to catch your own reflection

Off of some broken shiny object

To make you realize that you are the one thing that is still upright

The only thing that remained

Intact, if only by appearance…

It takes several moments more

For you to realize there is only one thing to do

Try and resuscitate whatever can be

And to clean up the mess the rest made

And as you try to start to do so

And fail at each attempt,

Just as you are about to give up,

You realize all you need is a change of perspective

All that crashed, was you

Everything else remained just the same as before

The biggest of problems seem minuscule when a new one comes along...

Expressing the only way I can...

Full Moon

Note: And, I'm back :) This will explain why I've been missing.

They say it is darkest before dawn but it’s darker when it’s a sky with no moon, and you have a darker soul. The roads were lit with the dull yellow streetlights, but the shadows they cast seemed as lifeless as the lights themselves. That night, I felt like a stranger in my own city. I felt as though the city was trying to alienate me as much I was trying to get away from it. I sped through the empty roads, occasionally driving past a vehicle headed towards what I was getting away from. Always towards. Never away. It seemed, literally and figuratively, I was alone in my journey.

Alone, never lonely. I’d always defined myself that way. But then, the world of difference between the two terms, seemed not to exist. It was just me, with all my material possessions that mattered to me the most, speeding out, getting away. As I drove over the sea, the air that quite uniquely belonged to just my city, seemed to suffocate me. As soon as I crossed the city limits, I looked back, without knowing what I was looking back for. I’d thought it was relief, but maybe I was wrong. The tension within me seemed to lift, with the sun that was rising along the horizon. My destination till then was undecided, but it took me a split second to decide. I’d wanted to run, and run I would. I wouldn’t be alone. I wouldn’t have company, I would have competition. I’d race the sun, to the shores each evening; I’d race to be the one out first at dawn.

The first couple of days passed by with my eyes set on the sun alone. All that mattered to me then, was winning. My days ended at the top of hills along my way, where I sat watching the sun go down. I’d stay at the hill tops long after the sun had disappeared behind the hills in the distance, covering behind the clouds. Coward, I’d said. When I turned around, it was dark again, but when I looked up, a couple of days later, there was the faintest sliver of white- the moon was starting to show again.

I was driving along a road that seemed to have no beginning or end, with just plain unused land all around me, no hint of civilization around for as far as I could see. Soon after I passed a fork, in the road, I looked into the rearview mirror and found a dog following my car. I ignored it as just another dog chasing behind a car, but five minutes later it was still there. It looked like it had slowed down a bit, but it still continued to run. I stopped the car, waiting to see what it would do. I expected it to sniff around for a bit before heading back, but it just came and stopped by my door. It looked at me once, and then it just sort of made up its mind to be my designated companion for the ride. I opened the door to let it in, and after getting in with one pounce, it primly shuffled around in the seat till his head was hanging out. So much for company!

The next couple of days were spent along with my silent companion, and I was happier for it. I’d never had a pet, and thus, never appreciated the comfort or quiet assurance a person cannot provide at times. The Dog (I refused to name it) knew just how to be. We were two souls, in no hurry to get anywhere once the sun had set. My soul was starting to warm up, and the sky lighten a little bit more each night, with the moon showing itself a little more each day. Funny to think I’d never even have noticed it back home. ‘Back home’… I was surprised I could still call it that.

Finally one day, I reached the end of all the land I’d ever known. I finally got to see where the sun went to hide its head under the sand till the next day. Well, maybe a little beyond the sand, to the surf, and a little beyond that. Water, for as far as I could see, nothing more, nothing less, and the sun, sinking low beneath it. Long after the sun was gone, the Dog and I sat by the sea, watching the last few birds make their way back home. Watching little boats, heading back to shore, filled to capacity with fish (I’d have to find one of those for dinner later), fisherman gaily calling out to each other, happy talk about their lucky catch for the day, and anticipation of going home to a warm home-cooked meal. I sat until it was all dark, maybe I had dozed off for a bit, lost in the silence except for the waves crashing till the Dog’s bark woke me. The water had just about reached us, it was time to head back, he seemed to say as he ran away.

I ran after it. I had no name to call out for, just blindly followed the barks in the dark. I slowed down when it got a little lighter, we’d reached some sort of little settlement, and the sights and sounds (ands smell) told me it was a fishermen’s village. The Dog’s barking got louder, and I picked up pace, only to find it jumping around in abandon with little kids who took turns running away and rolling around in the sand with it. The sight stilled me. What wouldn’t I give for such abandon, and no worries! The Dog sensed I was there, and came up to me, almost dragging and pushing me towards the kids who hesitated no more than a minute to accept me considering I was with the Dog. That’s how the Dog earned us our first warm home cooked meal in days.

And of course, then I had to leave. As a token of my gratitude for the free meal and shelter for the night, I offered the fisherman a drop to some place if he wanted to go. No sooner than I had spoken, than my car was filled with people. Men and women who had work in the nearby town, and kids who had no work, but wouldn’t miss a car ride with a Dog. I worried a little for all my stuff that was getting cramped up, and my guitar that the kids seemed to find a little amusing, but the ride to the town was unlike any other. The elders kept me busy with their talk, and even though I barely got a word in, it was the most I’d spoken, except with the Dog. We got to the market and the grownups decided I could be left with the kids to watch over them for a while, and we spent a few hours, Dog and I, entertaining them. I even played some music for them, and that made me realize how much I’d missed it! The familiar sting of the strings beneath my fingers- sweet pain!

Dog decided that would be our mode of travel for the rest of my journey. Hed decide who our company for the day would be and I’d exchange free rides, and some time of human company for a free ride to some place, or a free song on my guitar.

Just as suddenly the Dog decided to join me, it decided to abandon me. So much for being man’s best friend huh! We were atop one of the hills closer to home again, and I was busy looking around the place. Unlike the past few days, I had no one for company. I didn’t realize when the Dog stealthily got away. I waited, a long time, for it to show up, but it didn’t. And I knew, that it wouldn’t, no matter how long I’d waited. Maybe it had found someone else who needed the company more than me. As I lay down to sleep, I realized that I’d be home the next night.

I woke up to a faint drizzle, and keeping in mind that it was my last day of journeying, and since the Dog was no longer by my side, I decided to journey alone. Familiar roads now, familiar sights, I’d been here a lot of times even when I wasn’t running away. The air seemed to get familiar too. I made no stops, paid no heed to my craving stomach, and finally as it got dark, I turned onto the final road that would lead me Home. The beauty of my city is that, no matter how long you’ve been away, you’ll always know when you’re back. Back again driving over the sea, this time I was driving in the same direction as everyone else, though I did spot the few that were running away.

I was home. Maybe not forever, maybe I’d only returned to say goodbye. Maybe I’d set out again, soon, looking for something I don’t know that I’m looking for. Maybe I’ll always leave, only to return. Because, and I’m ready to accept it, no place will ever be home, but the best of us need to get out of it sometime.

As soon as I got out of my car, I heard a cloud burst, and huge drops of the rain that had been threatening me all day, poured over me. I let it all sink in, let the water drench me to my bones, stretched out my hands, with my eyes closed, leaving all my senses open to just feeling the rain. As I opened my eyes and looked up at the sky, I noticed the moon. A full moon. Bright and shining, but alone.

Alone. Not lonely.

Song Recommendation: 'Full Moon' by the Black Ghosts

Note: If you're read it all, thanks. A little long, but it had months of venting cramped in it, and i couldn't bring myself to edit any part of it. Will try again in a more stable frame of mind, if ever :)

The Road (Not) Taken

Somebody tell me what’s wrong
I seem to have lost my way
The urge to get away from a crowd is strong
And alone my far flung thoughts lead me astray


I’m headed down memory lane
Down a boulevard of broken dreams
I have an insight into what might have been
And the bag of choices un-taken is bursting at its seams


Trying to figure out how I got here
The paths so crisscrossed, it’s a maze
I see the paths I almost took, and the ones I did
Smiles await me at the end of the lanes
And not always at the ends of the ones I walked


I wonder what I’d do,
If I could go back and rewrite the past
Would I take on paths un-trodden?
Or would I still be here wondering?


Choices made, shattered dreams, broken promises
Will I ever know where I went wrong?
Maybe if I’d tried harder, held on longer?


Maybe I gave up too soon,
Or maybe, not soon enough?

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Note: Just scribbles. Wasn't gonna put it up here, but then, I did.

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Song Recommendation: Too many come to mind, but the line that fits the best:

'The time is gone, the song is over, thought I'd something more to say' -Time

I haven’t, and yet, I have

I haven’t lived long enough to know if death could be more pleasant than life.
I’ve lived long enough to know that what matters is to make each day  alive count.

I haven’t loved strong enough to understand two bodies one soul.
I have loved enough to know I cant live entrapped with not even my soul to call just my own.

I haven’t read enough to claim to know it all.
I’ve read enough to know that tomorrow I shall read something that amazes me more.

I haven’t traveled enough to know every corner of the world.
I’ve traveled enough to know only one place can ever be called home.

I haven’t been away from home long enough to know what home-sickness is.
I’ve been away enough to know you  can never go ‘home’ again.

I haven’t lost enough to ever have felt I have nothing more to lose.
I’ve lost enough to know I can never get back what I had.

I haven’t ever wanted enough to not want anything more.
I’ve wanted enough to know what a desperate measure is.

I haven't done a lot of things I wanted to do, but when I think of it,

I haven’t, and yet, I have…



Note: The line in italics(I haven't done a lot of things I wanted to do, but when I think of it) was contributed by my traveler friend and fellow blogger Angelo . You can look at some of the pictures from his travels here .

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Song Recommendation: Lost by Coldplay